Off-Topic :
Fairfax Underground
Welcome to Fairfax Underground, a project site designed to improve communication among residents of Fairfax County, VA. Feel free to post anything Northern Virginia residents would find interesting.
I wouldn't be surprised BEH. Anon dick is not only an asshole doctor, but an asshole, which is what these midevil individuals are. My sister is visiting. Matilda's screams led to a call from a neighbor to the police. She's fine, just a terrible bowel movement. I have her resting now, and am tempted to send that crap to the Smithsonian.
I'm definitely going to post a picture, of my rectum opening up for a huge log. Its high time for those of us with IBS, to show what its like, to throw out a space satellite through a small hole.
Matilda is hurting, and I'm now in a lot of pain after that one. Apparently the roast beef in gravy with steamed vegetables, just didn't cut the mustard.
BO you need to try a summers eve douche on your rectum. My uncle swears by it. He said the lavender garden or juniper valley flavors leave him feeling the freshest. The moisturizers in the douche keep the turd tunnel lubricated for easy bowel passage. Thank me later.
Sitting in the McDonalds chat room at their establishment in Fairfax, sipping on senior coffee, and discussing bowels with fellow diners provided some insight.
First of all, it's good being with a group of gents, whom understand oatmeal, tapioca pudding, castor oil, and bran muffins. Our AARP cards are worn out, and I was surprised that 75% of my fellow diners have IBS or other maladies.
It's amazing while eating a sausage mc muffin, about Herbs bowel woes, and the amount of straining he does. We might start using skype to talk to each other via skype while on the groan throne.
The McDonalds manager, would not let us put up a "Bowel Buddies" poster unfortunately.
Nutritionist Wrote:
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> Are you all ready to discuss your food choices
> yet? I don't think fast food is wise.
My bowels. Would you like to present me with a big mac, hold a magnifying glass to my rectum, and watch what pops out?
I'm so tired of being judged by my bowels. There are no diets that stop the Titanic sized shits.
Brown Onion Wrote:
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> 4 hours after my appointment, my asshole feels
> like it was pillaged by a village of savages.
>
> Not happy about the lack of progress.
Brown Onion Wrote:
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> 4 hours after my appointment, my asshole feels
> like it was pillaged by a village of savages.
>
> Not happy about the lack of progress.
More proof of these ass doctors ego's. First they try to marginalize you, then it's my fault despite spending hours in offices, that shitting out logs are my fault.
The docs are just as guilty, if not more for my Sputnik sized shits. Unbelievable but our bowels have not been served by these shady professionals.
Mr. Brown Onion,
Several posters have mentioned that they really enjoy this thread and have benefitted greatly from your advice. Therefor, they ask that you combine your future postings of this thread into the Mike Omeara Show thread. Since it is here in off topic now, your wealth of important advice will be much easier to for them to find there right up top. In the future, Cary may even let the title be edited to include the mention of proper bowel maintenance.
Unbelievable. Due to Matilda's bowels, she gets to spend the night in the hospital. While most of the nurses have been great, the ass doctors are just that. Asses. They don't care, have their electronic devices typing, and aren't providing any guidance or sensitivity. This is a nightmare.
I'm so backed up today
I can't grit my teeth and make it drop away
how long
how long can my bowels go wrong
cause tonight, moving bowels should be alright
ate a ton of whole wheat
but my schphinkter still is in defeat
this isn't comfortable at all
why can't this massive stool just fall?
BEH, bravo as our plight could be described as far worse than the atrocities of British soldiers. You should send these lyrics to Bono. As he's aged I'm sure he's used a mirror to look at his rectum, or had a crash cart and midwives deliver the Edge out of his bowels.
I agree with above. Sliced Onion hasn't been here for some time. He's a good chap and missed.
Off to the hospital to see how my sister's bowels are.
Wow. This is one crazy thread. Sliced onion asked me to let you guys know that he has been diagnosed with cancer and will be gone for some time. The doctors think he has a very good chance of recovery. He asked me to post this but swore me to secrecy regarding his involvement with this forum and I will honor his wishes. On behalf of sliced onion I wish you all the best.
BEH Wrote:
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> I'm so backed up today
> I can't grit my teeth and make it drop away
> how long
> how long can my bowels go wrong
> cause tonight, moving bowels should be alright
>
> ate a ton of whole wheat
> but my schphinkter still is in defeat
> this isn't comfortable at all
> why can't this massive stool just fall?
>
> Sunday, bloody Sunday
> Sunday, bloody Sunday
> Sunday ,bloody Sunday
>
> and the battles just begun
> passing huge turds isn't lots of fun
> anal trenches dug from sulphuric farts
> rectum, colon and intestines torn apart
>
> Sunday, bloody Sunday
> Sunday, bloody Sunday
> Sunday, bloody Sunday
I'm afraid such juvenile poetry write ups, we're not part of the curriculum at medical school. User Name Beh, did you finish junior high?
friend of sliced onion Wrote:
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> Wow. This is one crazy thread. Sliced onion asked
> me to let you guys know that he has been diagnosed
> with cancer and will be gone for some time. The
> doctors think he has a very good chance of
> recovery. He asked me to post this but swore me to
> secrecy regarding his involvement with this forum
> and I will honor his wishes. On behalf of sliced
> onion I wish you all the best.
I send my regards to Sliced Onion. Please send our brother in brown our best, and may he not only kick cancer's ass, may his bowels continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. Sliced is truly a good guy, and if you can, please let him know we've got him by not only the bowels but on all angles.
Thank you for the update, and may the brothers in bowels stand or squat together on behalf of our friend.
Joan Jett Wrote:
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> I love bowel control
> Stick a ducolax in my poop box baby
> I love bowel control
> Sit down on the pot and poop with me
That's pretty good but Beh's version of bowel woes are the best yet. My sister Matilda is out of the hospital. Dealing with her when she has a sore ass is a royal pain in the ass.
Does anyone have an extra nurse for Matilda? Our bathrooms stink, but other than that, dealing with her heavy ass would be helpful. Family is important yes, and I'm grateful that my bowels are cooperative today, but this is some extreme lifting.
@Brown Onion, I switched to a different firm/specialty, but you can get nurses privately through either insurance or companies. I'd go with one that is certified by a number of medical organizations. You might have to pay more dough out of pocket, but you get what you pay for with a nurse.
Sorry about your situation Brown Onion. Today hasn't been easy, as I made the bad choice to eat fast food. This leads to more straining, than if I cooked food at home instead. I don't like this, and wish it would stop, but I'm afraid my constipation is more regular than how people use that word for taking a crap.
Joan Jett Wrote:
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> I love bowel control
> Stick a ducolax in my poop box baby
> I love bowel control
> Sit down on the pot and poop with me
I applaud you Joan, and share that sentiment whole heartedly,
Day after day
my colon is filled
but ain't it a sin, my bowels are perfectly still
and nobody want to shake hands
they think my thumbs smeared with poo
the doctor can't give an answer,
and the stools on the hill
I was seen squatting down
and the eyes in their heads
see its huge and dark brown
What can I say?
It drew a crowd
if it wasn't so painful to pass
I might be perfectly proud
but nobody wants to help me
during the hours it seems to take
and everyone seems to notice
that the stools on the hill
I was seen squatting down
and the eyes in their heads
see that its huge and dark brown
the nurses don't seem to like me
they're nasty and very rude
constipations got me reeling
and the stools on the hill
I was seen squatting down
and the eyes in their heads
see that its huge and dark brown
Eakin Park Wrote:
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> Sorry about your situation Brown Onion. Today
> hasn't been easy, as I made the bad choice to eat
> fast food. This leads to more straining, than if I
> cooked food at home instead. I don't like this,
> and wish it would stop, but I'm afraid my
> constipation is more regular than how people use
> that word for taking a crap.
Eakin I'm sorry I didn't see your earlier brown news. Are you male or female? Either way welcome aboard the brown train, and sorry to hear about that quite often. I think fast food restaurants are on every corner to oppress those of us who have bad bowels.
BEH, well done! That describes our plight. Biting fan belts on the groan throne, and doctors who are incompetent jerks.
Sunflower thank you. She and her bowels are resting comfortable for now.
If I ate some beef tacos tonight
Would my stomach ever be all right
What else could I do
I know Ill have to poo soon
Ill be on the toilet for the longest time
I'm that sound your hearing in the hall
I have the loudest flatulence of all
Sometimes its wet too
The brown spots often show through
Ill be in the shitter for the longest time
Billy Joel Wrote:
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> If I ate some beef tacos tonight
> Would my stomach ever be all right
> What else could I do
> I know Ill have to poo soon
> Ill be on the toilet for the longest time
>
> I'm that sound your hearing in the hall
> I have the loudest flatulence of all
> Sometimes its wet too
> The brown spots often show through
> Ill be in the shitter for the longest time
Good Heavens! Great rendition, Billy Joel might now have IBS, as he's getting up with us in age. Don't ride in a car with him driving, but the man did score with Kristi Brinkley back in the day. Not too shabby.
I have to get a plumber over tomorrow. It will be the usual high bill, looks of profound judgement, and that bastard getting away with bloody murder with his usual snide commentary. I'm so sick of this shit. If its not the doctors, the plumbers, and society at large messing with those whom have IBS.
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to crap my pants and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let my bowels push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already wiping off my butt
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got a brown eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a groan throne champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a groan throne champion and you're gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar
These song lyrics describe the bowel trodden peefectly. We are treated like lepers. Even society or doctors for that matter, throw the Hippocratic Oath to the toilet.
Matilda is doing better, but I hope my floor tile makes it.
I agree, and I'm going to compose a homage to the late Joe Cocker today if possible, or perhaps maybe even Elvis, since well he did die on the groan throne.I'll never forget that day the King died. Little did I know that one day I'd be suffering on the toilet, and while glad to be alive, this morning the midwives did a fine job.
That literally was the biggest one yet. The straining, groaning, and pain scared my entire neighborhood.
Eakin Park Wrote:
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> I wish that I could avoid having to avoid going at
> work. There are only three stalls.
>
> Do you guys do what I do? Go to the third one
> hoping for the best, and if you clog it just throw
> lots of TP there to hide the shit?
Eakin,
I am retired thankfully, but I remember years of being in an office, worried about such a predicament. The past few years are worse, but when a working man, my bowels did cause problems.
There were unexplained screams in the bathroom, which involved memo's being sent out to my co workers and were very embarrassing. Yes I also used the furthest stall, and even changed shoes, so my coworkers weren't keen on knowing that my ass was responsible for that horrible stench.
Many of them ran out, and it was scarring to hear people come in, and just leave. Some were so rude. "What died in here," or "What the fuck did you eat" were quite common to hear, as my underwear was around my ankles. You aren't alone.
Brown Onion Wrote:
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> I just threw a Caterpillar bulldozer out of my
> starfish. It's amazing although painful what the
> brown eye can handle but it shouldn't have to.
>
> Thank you midwives.
How old are you user name Brown Onion? My grandchildren show more maturity.
Do you all find any home remedies to help? None of the OTC meds at CVS make my dumps smaller, easier to pass, etc. It's frustrating and any he would be cool.
BEH Wrote:
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> Anon Doc. Wrote:
> -------
> >
> >
> > How old are you user name Brown Onion? My
> > grandchildren show more maturity.
>
> User name Anon Doc
>
> How are your grandchildrens bowels?
User name BEH, you truly are an example of why some animals eat their young. You are disgusting.
Anon Doc. Wrote:
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> BEH Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Anon Doc. Wrote:
> > -------
> > >
> > >
> > > How old are you user name Brown Onion? My
> > > grandchildren show more maturity.
> >
> > User name Anon Doc
> >
> > How are your grandchildrens bowels?
>
>
> User name BEH, you truly are an example of why
> some animals eat their young. You are disgusting.
Anon Dick,
Do you like sticking anonscopes up your grandchildren's rear ends, while on a cold metal table like you do to everyone else? You are the animal, you are disgusting, promising to "make things better" when all that results is a sore rectum and money in your pocket.
You are truly worthless. The bottom of the barrel, and I often wonder if the prison industry could find you a job.
me llamo Pedro. I am brown too so we are like hermanos. Mi doctor he say I no eat corn no more. Tengo el constipado muy mal. I stuck 4 day no poop from corn. my boss on constructing site yell at me porque i was in el shitter por 3 hours then i get fired.
no enchilada no taco very sad. I donno wat to eat any more all my food esta made con maiz. some time jalapeno help but butthole burn like fire jajaja.
Lo siento. Sorry my Spanish is bad, but the boweltrodden are international. We are a brotherhood, no matter what country, what region, our asses will not dictate to us how to live our lives. We hold our heads up high, despite the cruel savagery to us from doctors and people who don't care one bit.
Corn can be problematic on the Bristol Stool Guide. And jalopenos. That is a disaster of red and brown shit just waiting to punish.
All night the stomach pains go up and down my belly. I know what it is, the lower and upper intestines are having a war with food byproducts. Its a process that most take for granted, but I do not, as I am fully aware of it prior to jettisoning it off on the groan throne.
33 feet of intestines for dropping off a big one like this. It doesn't move at high speeds, but it leaves quite an impression, along with a sore starfish that is literally going to be put on the disabled list.
Honey, yo problem need the lord help. My frien Danikesha got the same prawblem. Dat devil got in her gaw bladda. So she gone up to da front of da church and ask da preacher to put his hand on her and bless it in front of everbuddy. Afta that she regula now. also you needa be eatin chitlins evera day sugar.
Between rapist mountain men, some kind of jive talk, and asking for videos I'd say even myself that this thread has taken a dump in the wrong direction.
I'll ignore that distract, with an important message, and that's take care of your colon. Its not polite to throw down foods that make your bowels work harder than they already have, and also the medical community needs to show us and our bowels respect.
I am studying some new Bristol Stool Guides and will put them up as a resource.
Nutritionist Wrote:
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> Can I inquire to what you people are eating by any
> chance? It would be an honor to point you in the
> right direction.
I eat pretty much whatever I want, but fortunately I don't suffer from the same issues from which most of the poor souls on this thread suffer. If I need to get things "moving", a couple of cups of coffee or a little extra mayo on a sandwich does the trick.
Fucking nutritionist. Although not as bad as anon dick, what have nutritionists done for people like us over the years? Stupid suggestions that don't work.
My bowels are not moving. They are treading brown right now. There is an awful pressure pushing down on my starfish, but it feels like this crap is moving on the Beltway.
I don't have any problems with my butthole. I eat pretty much everything in sight and suffer no effects one way or the other with one exception: the bags of assorted dried fruit from Price/Costco really get things moving! Prunes are the major fruit that does it, but the rest of the fruit seems to have that effect as well.
The first time was totally unexpected. I was munching on them for about an hour and all of a sudden it hit me like a lightning bolt. I actually like the taste/texture of them, that experience taught me to be careful and not a large quantity of prunes at one sitting.
bagged prunes Wrote:
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> I don't have any problems with my butthole. I eat
> pretty much everything in sight and suffer no
> effects one way or the other with one exception:
> the bags of assorted dried fruit from Price/Costco
> really get things moving! Prunes are the major
> fruit that does it, but the rest of the fruit
> seems to have that effect as well.
>
> The first time was totally unexpected. I was
> munching on them for about an hour and all of a
> sudden it hit me like a lightning bolt. I
> actually like the taste/texture of them, that
> experience taught me to be careful and not a large
> quantity of prunes at one sitting.
>
> Have you guys tried eating prunes?
Yes, it seems I have an allergy to prunes.
Even one gives me pure liquid eliminations that sometimes I have no control over.
One time, a prune danish eaten with espresso before church caused gas and pain during services.
It was a small church, and when I could not take it anymore, and retreated to the rest room, everyone must have heard the sputtering and splashes.
I missed holy communion but made it back in time for the sign of peace, and no one would shake my hand.
I happened upon this forum via a dogpile.com search for bowel problems. I have been having severe health problems over the past 7 months, and I am only 18. I cannot seem to pinpoint my problems, no matter what,diarrhea and the recurrent nausea is keeping me from living my life properly. I would like to request that I remain in everyone's thoughts, as minor as the situation may seem. I often begin to lose hope in getting well, and I would love to be my old self again. Seeing the looks of concern on the faces of my family and friends is heartbreaking...and I want to be able to take care of them and myself like I used to. Thank you so much. I will now pray for everyone in this thread.
scooby doo gang Wrote:
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> The mystery meat is no longer a mystery, as posted
> above.
Agreed. This is actually bowel shaking in scope, not in any way bowel friendly.
Speaking of bowels, one has to wonder about the bowels of those two inmates in NY State. Can bowel related emissions provide search dogs extra help? If I was in their shoes, the dogs would drop dead after I pour out brown meatloaf.
Eakin Park Wrote:
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> Any OTC products help guys? I am constipated.
No. They are temporary. Instead eat fruits, vegetables and avoid Trans fats. Those medicines with sodium bisthmol or other ingredients, should only be used for a day or two.