Re: The Mike O'Meara Show
Posted by:
Real Super Double Secret Way Insider, Inc. (TM)
()
Date: April 01, 2009 01:11PM
Here is the real story with the goings on at JFK, I know this because I am the radio Messiah, Buddha, Mohammed, Jesus, Lao-tse, Kirkeggarde, and Nietzche.
First The Junkies:
The Junkies will go to all Gladiator format. Lurch will wear a pith helmet and Chain Mail. EB will wear armor made of steel. JP will don nothing but a leather codpiece, but will be armed with a dagger (tanto style). Cakes will wear Japanese Feudal armor from the Edo period. Each day the show will begin with a ceremonial act of urinating into a bucket. Brett, dressed as Robin from Batman, will be forced to balance the bucket on the end of a pole. If any urine is spilled the Junks will sing in unison,”Not too money!!!” (c-minor). BDK will roll in the spillage while singing,”CC time, CC time, CC time, oh bitter failure,, my bride, you are mine!” (d-major). BDK will them be beaten with the body of a salmon until blood is spilled.
The segments of the show will consist of Fights to be matched by the drawing of lots.
Callers will suggest weapons, but only office supplies can be utilized.
For example Round 1: Cakes (armed with a Swingline stapler), will fight Lurch (armed with a container of White Out). Round 2: JP (armed with a paper clip), fights EB (armed with a legal pad). They will fight until one loses consciousness. Round 3 will see the victors of the previous battle fighting for “The Daily Rick”. The weapons will be placed in the middle of the studio and the participants will race to get the weapon of choice. The weapons will be BDK, and Buzz Burbank’s colostomy bag. They fight to last man standing. Killing will not be allowed until sweeps. The victor will place his right foot on the chest of the loser, raise his right hand and sing,”Why so Rick? Why so Rick? For now Victory is mine, thanks to Farrish Toyota!!” (c-minor)
The show will continue with:
•EB reads entertainment page while Lurch, JP, and Cakes throw lawn darts at him. EB will be allowed to dodge the volleys, but the object is to draw blood.
•Lurch will read his sports page in a tank of piranhas, while JP, EB, and cakes launch razor blades at him. Lurch will be allowed to have one free hand to swat at the fish.
•JP will do a brief run down of the day’s news, but he will be tied to a stake, gasoline soaked rags will be at his feet. JP, EB, and Cakes will flick matches at him trying to ignite the rags. JP will be allowed to have a full bladder, urine being his only defense.
•Cakes will be rubbed with bacon fat, he will be put in the mic’d green room with two Rotweillers. He will have to describe his sexual folly with Amy from the previous night while fighting off the dogs. He will have a Little Tots golf club for defense.
This will be the format of the show.
The Big O and Dukes Show:
Will now be known as “The Day of the Chad”
Chad will do the show standing at a podium. He will be fluent in German, and will do the show in that language. He will go on Hitleresque tirades against those he perceives to be his enemies. Working himself into a fury, he will beat Oscar and Drab with a riding crop. Oscar and Drab will be allowed to weep. The show staff will not be allowed to look him directly in the eye, should this happen the show will move outside. The offender will be blindfolded and led to the road. The offenders mother will be on the opposite side of the road. The offender will be pushed into traffic, and his mother will act as a vocal beacon in aiding the offender across the busy intersection. If the offender is hit by a car, Chad will scream: “Scheitern, beachten mein Wort. Vermeiden Sie meinen Blick!!! (Failure, heed my word. Avoid my gaze!!!)
The show will also have heavy emphasis on Chad planning to invade and take over other radio stations in the DC metro area. He will have an army of interns. No one will be safe.
Bi-weekly, Sven Lloyd will come in studio and oil Chad’s left nipple. Chad will stroke Sven’s head gently while singing Lieder für Kinder (children’s songs). Drab and Oscar dance in a circle, and throw flower petals.
Calls are taken, Jews leave the area.
The Mike O’Meara Show:
The show will have no name, and will only run for one week as the show will be terminated after that time has elapsed.
Beth Ann McBride will be heard in the background as a constant drone reciting the Rosary in Latin.
Rob(b) will be dressed as Liberace, in a Bicentennial theme hot-pants rhinestone outfit. He will wear a collar, and Mike will lead him around the studio on a leash. Mike will read excerpts from Joyce’s Ullysses, and Finnegan’s Wake, and weep openly. Single Malt Scotch will be consumed for the duration of the week, the goal being by weeks end Mike is nearly comatose. The second hour of each show, a high Catholic Mass will be held. During the consecration of the Eucharist, Mike will sing ‘Danny Boy’, and weep. Mike will receive communion, and try not to vomit. If he does vomit Rob(b) will catch it in a pot painted gold. He will then hand it to Buzz (who is dressed as a Leprechaun), and Buzz will say,”Behold!!! My new colon!!!” He will then punch Rob(b) in the mouth, and kick him in the right kidney area. Rob(b) will then and in great pain say,”I wish my brother George were here.” Mike will then say, “...brother...” in a forlorn manner, and then weep. There will be no point to the show, and the above description is the only format that will be followed. Ratings will never be higher. The show will end with no fanfare, but Mike will be heard weeping to the sound of bagpipes playing ‘Amazing Grace’. The final minute of the show will end with the only guest to appear during the week long run. It will be Don Geranimo who will laugh for 55 seconds, the final 5 seconds of the new MOM show will end with a single utterance from Don to punctuate the run,”I told you so”.