> My first memories as a child are of being raped,
> repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my
> This darkness, which is the only way I can
> describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at
> times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually
> triggered by a distinct situation.
> In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and
> would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which
> started a trend of awkward and unexplained social
> behavior. The damage that was done to my body
> still prevents me from using the bathroom
> normally, but now it's less of a physical
> impediment than a daily reminder of what was done
> to me.
> This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember
> spending hours playing with legos, having my world
> consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks.
> Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same
> thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing
> Fairfax Underground or watching Netflix or TV.
> Most of my life has been spent feeling dead
> inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
> The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake
> up. I feel like a grime is covering me.
> Three to four nights a week I have nightmares
> about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and
> constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels
> like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up
> sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of
> what was done to me and the control it has over my
> I've never been able to stop thinking about what
> happened to me and this hampered my social
> interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought
> and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or
> making small talk, unable to understand why I
> seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing
> the outside world from a distant portal behind my
> eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I
> wondered what it would be like to talk to other
> people without what happened constantly on my
> mind, and I wondered if other people had similar
> experiences that they were better able to mask.
> Alcohol was also something that let me escape the
> darkness. It would always find me later, though,
> and it was always angry that I managed to escape
> and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible
> things I did were the result of the darkness.
> Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and
> action, but there are reasons why things happen
> the way they do.
> Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore
> the realities of my situation. It was easy to
> spend the night drinking and forget that I had no
> future to look forward to. I never liked what
> alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing
> my existence honestly.
> I used to think if I solved some problem or
> achieved some goal, maybe it would leave.
> It was comforting to identify tangible issues as
> the source of my problems instead of something
> that I'll never be able to change.
> I thought that if I got into to a good college, or
> a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the
> gym nearly every day for a year, then maybe I
> would feel some peace and not be constantly
> haunted and unhappy.
> But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I
> was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way
> fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that
> would change anything.
> I didn't realize how deep a hold it had on me and
> my life until my first relationship.
> I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness
> affected me personally, my romantic relationships
> would somehow be separated and protected.
> Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a
> possible escape from this thing that haunts me
> every day, but I began to realize how entangled it
> was with every aspect of my life and how it is
> never going to release me.
> Instead of being an escape, relationships and
> romantic contact with other people only
> intensified everything about my life that I
> couldn't stand.
> I will never be able to have a relationship in
> which it is not the focus, affecting every aspect
> of my romantic interactions.
> Relationships always started out fine and I'd be
> able to ignore it for a few weeks. But as we got
> closer emotionally the darkness would return and
> every night it'd be me, him and the darkness in a
> black and gruesome threesome.
> It would surround me and penetrate me and the more
> we did the more intense it became. It made me hate
> being touched, because as long as we were
> separated I could view him like an outsider
> viewing something good and kind and untainted.
> Once we touched, the darkness would envelope him
> too and take him over and the evil inside me would
> surround him. I always felt like I was infecting
> anyone I was with.
> Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone
> else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how
> well two people could get along and how much I
> could care about another human being. Someone I
> know I could be with and love for the rest of my
> life, if I weren't so fucked up.
> Amazingly, he liked me. He liked the shell of the
> woman the darkness had left behind.
> But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone
> with him. It was never just the two of us, it was
> always the three of us: her, me and the darkness.
> The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the
> darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions.
> All the closeness we had and I loved was
> complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from
> it. I realized that I would never be able to give
> him, or anyone, all of me or only me. He could
> never have me without the darkness and evil inside
> me. I could never have just him, without the
> darkness being a part of all of our interactions.
> I will never be able to be at peace or content or
> in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility
> of the romantic part of my life.
> And that's why the lady is a slut.