After the unprecedented success of Murder at the Super Bowl, I decide to make the Fairfax Underground Novel my next project. So here are chapters 1-3. James Cameron is already attached to direct the movie adaptation, with Amy Fisher starring as Spunky, Jake Gyllenhal as Bloody Blisters, Jason Bateman as Eesh, Hume Cronyn as Harry Tuttle, Barry Pepper as Mr.Mephisto, Steve Buscemi as Washington-Locian, Hal Holbrook as Graymoose, and HAL9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey as Alias. En-Joy.

In the second film of the trilogy, Pauly Shore will portray Vince(1), Mickey Rourke as Inkahootz, Nathan Lane as Meeper, and Freddie Prinze Sr. as Expensive Jeans. Dr. Evil's hairless cat from Austin Powers will make a cameo as LOLcat and Paul Reubens will play Mastubator Machine Man.




Fairfax Underground Uprising: Book One--The Wrath of Inkahootz

CHAPTER 1: A Premonition


Eesh woke up to a pounding outside his door. The pounding grew more intense, first crossing over into dreams--Eesh dreamed that he was surrounded by an angry mob wielding torches and pitchforks--first the pounding was low and indistinct, drowned out almost completely by the cries and shouts of the angry townspeople. The pounding grew louder--more intense--and gradually he was jerked out of the dream--the pounding was real. Rubbing his eyes and looking over at the alarm clock on his nightstand, Eesh confusedly rolled out of bed, holding his head at odd angles and massaging his temples. He opened the door, slowly, only a crack, one eye peering out to meet the person of Harry Tuttle towering over him, hands clasped in strangely delicate manner. "Harry," Eesh said, his voice still catching up with his brain, disoriented still from the angry townspeople in his dream. "What are you doing here? What time is it, Harry?"

"Never mind the time," Harry said, pushing his way into the room, politely as his force could allow. "We have a problem."
"Well...," Eesh said, stepping aside as Harry made himself at home, "What is it?"
Harry Tuttle only stroked his graying beard and let out a great sigh. "Harry," Eesh repeated, now gaining his bearings and crossing his arms in exasperation.
"Eesh, my friend..." Harry took a deliberate pause; pregnantly, it dangled there. In his usual professorial manner, Harry stroked his beard, and as if searching for the words, began to speak in a grave tone. "Eesh, my friend...it appears that Inkahootz has gained access to the mainframe."

Eesh only stood there, arms crossed, head cocked like a dog at some high-pitched whistle. "What do you mean, Inkahootz has gained access to the mainframe...Inkahootz has been dead for over a year. I saw Bloody lop his head off with my own eyes."
"True. That did happen. But," Harry continued in his deliberate tone, "it also seems that with the help of Expensive Jeans and the sorcery of Spunky's syndicate, he has been revived."
"Revived," Eesh repeated.
"Revived, yes," Harry replied. "Spunky's influence within the syndicate appears to be farther-reaching than even Bloody had imagined. Inkahootz's brain wave patterns have been salvaged from the archives, and have been implanted in a cybernetic body created for the sole purpose of infecting the FU mainframe.....and ultimately seizing control of the sourcing code."
"That means..."
"Yes," Harry said, "it means that the very fabric of time and space may unravel. With Cary gone, there is no administrator powerful enough to defend the mainframe."
"What next," Eesh asked, strapping his proton lazer into its holster and fastening his utility belt.
"We must rendevouz with Bloody Blisters in the high temple of Mclean Citadel. His years of meditation in the wastelands of Manassas have prepared him to meet the threat of Inkahootz and Expensive Jeans' hordes. I believe Bloody is our last hope, Eesh. You must put aside your differences for the common good. The very fabric of the FFXU matrix depends upon it."
"Great," Eesh sighed, cocking his proton blaster and aiming--arms outstretched--at the mirror. "And this was supposed to be my day off."

CHAPTER 2: The Wrath of the Simulacra Horde

"I have waited for this day." Bloody Blisters smoothed back his hair. His eyes sunken...his cheekbones collapsed and ashen, Bloody Blisters set forth an offering on the mantle before him. "It shall be done." Slowly rising to his feet, Bloody turned to face the monitor at his control station. The security tapes had all been wiped clean, but Bloody had been able to salvage the Alias from deep with the matrix. "Alias," he commanded, "what have you been able to reconstruct?"
"I have only been able to decode the first parsecs of the alpha data so far, Sir Blisters."
"A few parsecs?" Bloody asked. "What manner of sorcery be this?"
Alias took a moment to respond, a whirring and beeping emanating from the binary cylinders beneath the console; its robotic voice piping back up from beneath the cylinders, Alias replied finally, "It is an unknown form of plasma interference, Sir Blisters. I cannot decode the Alias data without first reconstructing the matrix sequencing."
"Very well," Blisters said, turning his back to Alias. "I shall await your results."

Blisters felt an uneasy fluttering within his binary circuits. Half man and half machine, he felt nevertheless tragically and hopelessly human at this moment. Powerless. The trials he had endured in the Manassas Wasteland were to prepare him for this day, yet Blisters felt still a sensation that, for nigh on 100 years, he had all but forgotten. His human self mangled and beaten, his machine self in a state of utter disrepair, it seemed the Trials had done nothing to prepare him for this eventuality. For the first time in centuries--in untold numbers of bodies and reincarnations--Blisters felt a gnawing in his circuitry that was all too human...

For the first time in many lives and many years, Bloody Blisters felt fear. The Simulacra Hordes of Spunky and Expensive Jeans were fast descending on the FFXU matrix. Bloody Blisters took a deep breath, knelt at his altar, and offered a prayer.

The rebirth of Inkahootz was finally at hand...and the cataclysm to come would test the very spirit of this warrior. Bloody Blisters remained at the altar. Preparing himself in vain for the real trials to come.

CHAPTER 3: Washingtone-Locian and the Game-Players of Ashburn

"Place your bets, ladies and gentlman." The cyber-punks gathered around the holo-board, fistfuls of money extended into the pit, shouts and obscenities echoing hollowly in the antechamber of the Gaming Matrix. Washingtone-Locian pocketed his winnings, flipped the simulation modulator to the active position, and stood back as the flourescent lightbeams strobed about the gaming dome.
"You think we can play these suckers for another mil'?," Mephisto said furtively over the com-system.
"Best not push our luck," 'tone-Locian replied into his headset.
"C'mon," Mephisto said. "We can take these marks for at least another mil. Just leave it to me."
"I don't know," 'tone-Locian replied, turning his back slightly and pulling up on the collar of his grav-suit.
"I'll take that as a yes."

Suddenly, the game took a deadly turn. The neon strobes began to pulsate violently, the phosphourescent glow illuminating the smoke-filled gaming dome with an ominous instability. The gamers in the center of the dome began to tremble...first slowly--gently. In moments, the gamers positioned behind them let out a collective shriek--their voices distorted with electro-static turbulence.
"What'd I tell 'ya," Mephisto said gloatingly. A great electronic scream erupted from the dome, and in a single flash of neon light, the gamers were vaporized. An unsettling quiet fell over the dome, and Mephisto began to collect the data packs littered about the board...each one a cool grand at least. "I'd say we did pretty good for one day's work, 'Loc."

As Mephisto and Washington-Locian counted their ill-gotten winnings, a strange electromagnetic vibration came over the com-room. "Once a thief, eh, boys?" Materializing before the two grifters was the hologram of Graymoose.
"You son of a bitch," Mephisto shouted, shoving all the data packs spread about the console before him into a large satchel. "We were s'posed to be all good, 'Moose! This was not the deal!"
"I'm not here for your money," Graymoose crowed electronically. "I'm here to deliver a message--a proposal, more like..." Hovering ephemerally above the com-board, Graymoose began to pulsate with a brilliant white light. "You join me and the Syndicate...or you die."
"A proposal, huh?" Washington-Locian said smartly.
"It's open to interpretation." Graymoose slowly began to fade. "You know where to reach me, gentlemen...LOLcat, Mastubator Machine Man and Vince(1) will be awaiting your reply." Sharply, Graymoose vanished.

"Well, old friend, looks like we just got enlisted."
Mephisto bristled. "We're being force to take sides."
"True."
Mephisto threw down the satchel in frustration. "'Tone, man....what do you say we give our old friend Meeper a call."
"You crazy?," Washington-Locian snapped.
"Yeah...but that ain't the point." Mephisto began to pace, stroking his goatee and grinning deviously. "Meep knows a guy who knows a guy...maybe he can pull some strings...so we have something on the 'Moose once we do get called up."
"No," Washingtone-Locian sneered. "No! Not him! Anyone but him!"
"'Tone, dear," Mephisto said, now grinning ear to ear, "Let's give our old buddy Gravis a call."

The gaming dome went dark. Mephisto and Washington-Locian went on about counting up their haul.

I love it clap clap clap Author! Author!

---------------------------------------------------
W.W.S.D. what would Scooby Doo

TL;DR

A finely written start, but it seems to be missing that underlying FU homosexual aura.

Or was a "Tron" type plot gay enough?

+1.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/06/2010 01:46PM by Hunky.

The person who wrote this is very weird.

editor Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The person who wrote this is very weird.

I take that as a high compliment.

HERE I AM--RCOCK YOU LIK A HURICOANE!
Attachments:

Mr. Misery Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> editor Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > The person who wrote this is very weird.
>
> I take that as a high compliment.
>
> HERE I AM--RCOCK YOU LIK A HURICOANE!

You're not funny or interesting either.

You're just jealous. You can't write. You can't draw. You have no talent. What is the point of life without creativity?

Mr. Misery Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> After the unprecedented success of Murder at the
> Super Bowl, I decide to make the Fairfax
> Underground Novel my next project. So here are
> chapters 1-3. James Cameron is already attached to
> direct the movie adaptation, with Amy Fisher
> starring as Spunky, Jake Gyllenhal as Bloody
> Blisters, Jason Bateman as Eesh, Hume Cronyn as
> Harry Tuttle, Barry Pepper as Mr.Mephisto, Steve
> Buscemi as Washington-Locian, Hal Holbrook as
> Graymoose, and HAL9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey
> as Alias. En-Joy.



Excellent Mr. Misery....just some suggestions for your movie adaption.

Mindy Sterling as Spunky.
Jennifer Garner as Alias.
Elijah Wood as Bloody Blisters.
Ethan Hawke as Eesh.
Christian Bale as Washington-Locian.
Michael Gambon as Graymoose.
Donald Sutherland as Harry Tuttle.
Renoly Santiago as Inkahootz.

no deal, i wont sign a consent form if im being played by elijah wood. i would much rather be played by kieran culkin way more than elijah fucking wood and thats not saying much.

How about Edward Furlong to play bb?

How about Macaulay Culkin?

He's up for another Hollywood Hit.

Seeing a large block of text like that, one can't help but detect an odor of potential FAIL in the air.

But that was actually pretty amusing.

Well done.

B+

eesh Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How about Edward Furlong to play bb?


he's a good actor, let me consult my attorney before any final actions are taken.


MyGirl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How about Macaulay Culkin?
>
> He's up for another Hollywood Hit.


Macaulay Culkin?? shut the fuck up, he is way overrated.

Amy Fisher as Spunky... That's funny.

Hume Cronyn as Harry Tuttle... LOL. That guy's not even alive!

"Eesh only stood there, arms crossed, head cocked like a dog at some high-pitched whistle." Haha!

some casting updates: the second and third books in the series will see the introduction of some of the people I missed the first time around. Appearing in book three will be:

Elle Diabla, played by Meryl Oberon (Wuthering Heights, The Lodger)
Melissa, played by either Ellen Degeneres or Anne Heche
Warhawk, who I really don't know much about, so I'm thinking either Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton
Numbers, played by the guy from the TV show Numbers
Pgens, played by Beau Bridges
Charlie Schmidt's "Cool Cat", played by Sammy Davis Junior
Genevieve, played by Kelly McGillis
Hoocoodanoode, played by Avril Lavigne
Fairfax Countys Master of Metal, portrayed by the lead singer for Ratt
wb3van (or whatever his name is) by Gary Oldman
the entity known as "EJ" will be played by Errol Flynn (The Seahawk, Desperate Journey)
fairfaxdude will be played by Basil Rathbone (the Sherlock Holmes series)

who did I forget?

eesh Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Excellent Mr. Misery....just some suggestions for
> your movie adaption.

> Mindy Sterling as Spunky.
> Jennifer Garner as Alias.
> Elijah Wood as Bloody Blisters.
> Ethan Hawke as Eesh.
> Christian Bale as Washington-Locian.
> Michael Gambon as Graymoose.
> Donald Sutherland as Harry Tuttle.
> Renoly Santiago as Inkahootz.

Great suggestions.

But, I like being Hal.

Mr. Misery.... do I start killing people?

I am hooked! When are the next chapters released?

Mr. Misery Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> who did I forget?

How could you forget Meade?

I also think Spacy and Snapple deserve an honorable mention. I always get them mixed up... maybe they could be twins?

Most importantly... I will insist you remove my likeness from the novel UNLESS you include the elusive shape-shifting wizard that is The Final Arbiter of Taste, and the many other assumed names said poster used/uses...
Some examples include: The Bitch, Jethro The Talking Mule, +++The Mentor+++, Mentor's Mom, Peanuts fan, Reiver, Illharmonic, Guy, Mister Magoo...

You should ought to enjoy this piece that was ghostwritten for Meade Skelton:
http://www.fairfaxunderground.com/forum/read/40/273746/274833.html#msg-274833

There's no way I could list all the names used, as there are way too many of them, but if you want to do some research on this character, I could probably dig up a few more examples.

Sorry for blowing up your spot, GFSF... It's just not right for an individual with your talent to remain in obscurity. TTYL



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2010 06:31AM by Harry Tuttle.

Both the actors for me are great but I would prefer Christopher Lee or maybe Sam Elliot

---------------------------------------------------
W.W.S.D. what would Scooby Doo

Mr. Misery Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> who did I forget?


I insist on being portrayed by Gilbert Gottfried.

A couple of nominations:

Vince(1) to be played by Danny Trejo
Vince(r) to be played by Mark Foley (in his acting debut)

______________________________________________
I have had to change the addresses to my retaliatory blogs over half a dozen times.

All,

And naturally, I will play (with) myself riding off into the sunset with my pick-up truck, while longing for a hug from Lance Armstrong.

Live Strongly,
Scat Brown(R)

Scat Brown(R) Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> All,
>
> And naturally, I will play (with) myself riding
> off into the sunset with my pick-up truck, while
> longing for a hug from Lance Armstrong.
>
> Live Strongly,
> Scat Brown(R)


That'§ §tupid

Dude,

I know! Tell me about it!

I'm the one who said I wanted to use my new-found power to HUG Lance Armstrong.

Can you believe it?

For realz,
Scat Brown(R)

Scat Brown(R) Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dude,
>
> I know! Tell me about it!
>
> I'm the one who said I wanted to use my new-found
> power to HUG Lance Armstrong.
>
> Can you believe it?
>
> For realz,
> Scat Brown(R)

That'§ §tupid

Fractured,

Are you hurt? You seem to have a wide array of injuries.

I'm not sure your schtick is going to make it.

Concerned,
Scat Brown(R)

Scat Brown(R) Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Fractured,
>
> Are you hurt? You seem to have a wide array of
> injuries.
>
> I'm not sure your schtick is going to make it.
>
> Concerned,
> Scat Brown(R)

U R §tupid

Elton John will be an excellent choice to play "§", and his favorite republican masqueerading character "Scat Brown".

Go GOP! I'm all for FREEDOM! FREEDOM to use rest areas whenever I see fit!

HeLikesRestAreas@aol.com Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Go GOP! I'm all for FREEDOM! FREEDOM to use rest
> areas whenever I see fit!

Talk about used up §chtick

A GAY @§§ one.

Aggravated,

"§" is an alias for another frequent poster on this site.

I'll give you five guesses.

You'll Never Guess,
Scat Brown(R)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2010 11:04AM by Scat Brown(R).

Scat Brown(R) Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Aggravated,
>
> "§" is an alias for another frequent poster on
> this site.
>
> I'll give you five guesses.
>
> You'll Never Guess,
> Scat Brown(R)

That's §tupid

I'm honored.

--------------------------------------------------------------
13 4826 0948 82695 25847. Yes.

I'm feeling poopy.

Regis-turd Voter,

Have you visited one of my newly opened rest areas? Perhaps that can spell relief for your feelings.

I think I like you Regis-turd Voter. Much better than the other Registered Voter.

Melted Snickers Bar,
Bobbie Francis McDonnell(R)

why yes i could use some rest in my area

Bobbie Francis McDonnell(R) Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Regis-turd Voter,
>
> Have you visited one of my newly opened rest
> areas? Perhaps that can spell relief for your
> feelings.
>
> I think I like you Regis-turd Voter. Much better
> than the other Registered Voter.
>
> Melted Snickers Bar,
> Bobbie Francis McDonnell(R)


That's §tupid

Harry Tuttle Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...UNLESS you include...





Translation: Shhh!

I had some leftover fried chicken for lunch

---------------------------------------------------
W.W.S.D. what would Scooby Doo

"You know where to reach me, gentlemen...LOLcat, Mastubator Machine Man and Vince(1) will be awaiting your reply."

I R Contacting my lawyer UNlezz I gets a luv seen wit Oktunmawm,

LOLcat Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "You know where to reach me, gentlemen...LOLcat,
> Mastubator Machine Man and Vince(1) will be
> awaiting your reply."
>
> I R Contacting my lawyer UNlezz I gets a luv seen
> wit Oktunmawm,


Hey LOLcat,

I see a little silhouetto of a man.

I knew you would feel that way... I hope you read the fine print..

Juan Pujol Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Translation: Shhh!

Why am I being played by someone a generation older than me? Everyone knows that christina ricci always gets cast in my role.

Mr. Misery Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Warhawk, who I really don't know much about, so
> I'm thinking either Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton


Ah, the everyman/average Joe casting. I'd prefer Mel Gibson, as long as it allows me to spew anti-Semitic statements when I'm drunk driving.


> Fairfax Countys Master of Metal, portrayed by the lead singer for Ratt

Or the lead singer for Warrant, who is fat as hell now.

__________________________________
That's not a ladybug, that's a cannapiller.

as long as the hole cast is dozed with catnip and LSD filming shood start NOW.

I wunt Bill Murray to play MEH!

Harry Tuttle Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am hooked! When are the next chapters released?
>
> Mr. Misery Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > who did I forget?
>
> How could you forget Meade?
>
> I also think Spacy and Snapple deserve an
> honorable mention. I always get them mixed up...
> maybe they could be twins?

Ahh, Meade...of course. Let me think....how about John Pinette? He's a man of larger carriage who's overcome a negative self image to express himself as a performer. It's perfect!

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with either Spacy or Snapple...I guess I should go into the archives and do myself some research.
Attachments:

Mr. Misery Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Ahh, Meade...of course. Let me think....how about
> John Pinette? He's a man of larger carriage who's
> overcome a negative self image to express himself
> as a performer. It's perfect!

Can't wait to see what you come up with...

>
> I'm afraid I'm not familiar with either Spacy or
> Snapple...I guess I should go into the archives
> and do myself some research.

Yeah, they're real low-key... Snapple refuses to register... They aren't really main character material...

I'm surprised by your apparent lack of interest in the shape-shifting art connoisseur... This thread was even graced by the divine presence of the aforementioned, under the guise of Juan Pujol.

...Most interesting character (assortment of characters) on this forum...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/05/2010 12:54AM by Harry Tuttle.

Who's playin' John Cofe?

Please, Mr. Misery, PLEAASE... have someone step on the insect-like @aol dolt!

Harry Tuttle Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Please, Mr. Misery, PLEAASE... have someone step
> on the insect-like @aol dolt!


STFU, EJ!

Harry Tuttle Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Please, Mr. Misery, PLEAASE... have someone step
> on the insect-like @aol dolt!

Is this my cue?

Dolt?

Thats it Harry.

I can takes no more!


GGGGGGGGGGGGG_______________A________________Y_________Y_________
G_______________________________A_A________________Y_______Y___________
G______________________________A___A________________Y_____Y_____________
G_____________________________A_____A________________Y___Y_____________
G____________________________A_______A________________Y_Y_______________
G___GGGGGGGGGG__________A_________A________________Y________________
G________________G_________AAAAAAAAAAA_______________Y_________________
G________________G________A_____________A______________Y_________________
G________________G_______A_______________A_____________Y_________________
G________________G______A_________________A____________Y_______________
G________________G_____A___________________A___________Y_________________
G________________G____A_____________________A__________Y__________________
GGGGGGGGGGGGG___A_______________________A__________Y________________

PPPPP__EEEEE___N_______N__IIIIIIIIIIIII______SSSSS___________________________ 
P____P__E_______NN______N_____I_________S_______________________________________ 
P____P__E_______N_N_____N_____I_________S_______________________________________ 
PPPPP__EEE_____N__N____N_____I__________SSSS____________________________________
P_______E_______N____N__N_____I______________S__________________________________ 
P_______E_______N_____N_N_____I______________S__________________________________ 
P_______E_______N______NN_____I______________S__________________________________ 
P_______EEEEE__N_______N__IIIIIIIIIIIII______SSSSS___________________________

NOT your cue ALIAS IT's MINE, keep it up Tutty and I will come back with my boy

John Cofe for a to finish you off with a flawless FATALITY.

Remember, Troll = Always WINS!

Troll@AOL Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> NOT your cue ALIAS IT's MINE, keep it up Tutty and
> I will come back with my boy

But... all you can do is draw pictures.

I'm a powerful psychotic computer.

Dammit. I was hoping against hope that you were a powerful halucinagen.

Harrison Ford as The Sculler.

Book II coming soon...

Boook II will have alot more of gay sex innit.....

Don't tease me, you faggot...

You're not making a book II

Signatures are for fags

LOL

GARBAGE

not garbage

Signatures are for fags

Total Shit ...why give people false hoPe when they suck

I like a false hope sometime.

+

Blessed are the murderous.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/06/2013 10:44PM by eesh.

Mr.Misery,


Be sure to include eesh's name Nicholas John Kowalczyk in your new novel.

closed mouths Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Mr.Misery,
>
>
> Be sure to include eesh's name Nicholas John
> Kowalczyk in your new novel.


The Nicholas Kowalczyk theory is just a clever ruse to divert attention from eesh's true Zumwalt identity.

?

Funny