The Ugliest People in America Live Here
Posted by:
WhatHappenedToFFX?
()
Date: August 31, 2014 12:01PM
This place is a fucking freak show.
Here's my story:
Me and the wife took three weeks' vacation this summer, yes I know it must be nice but that's not the point.
We spent a week in Denver (July 21-25) because it's one of those bucket list places we've never been to before and now that we're in our late 50s we figured "let's go and check it out". The fact that the Nats were playing the Rockies at Coors Field that week was a bonus.
So we check into the downtown Sheraton and the first thing I notice in the lobby were all the gorgeous blonde women. Over the next several days my head was on a swivel. Dazzling blue-eyed blondes everywhere you looked. One afternoon we were on the 16th street shuttle bus and a bunch of Asians jumped on board. Typical Asians: slim, well dressed and beautiful. Girls all wearing heels.
The last night we were there we had dinner in the Palace Arms, part of the Brown Palace Hotel. The waiter was attentive and helpful, but what grabbed my attention, of course, was his assistant, a young gal from El Salvador, maybe in her mid 20s. She was tall, slim and fucking gorgeous: a black haired, brown-eyed stunner.
And that's when it hit me: How come all the gals from El Salvador that live in the Washington DC area weigh 300 pounds? Why do we get stuck with all the big fat, fat, fatties?
After our return to Falls Church and a couple of weeks working, we headed down to Virginia Beach for a week. Checked into the Hilton, next to Neptune Park. Of course, everybody is fucking beautiful. Our first night we had dinner at "Hot Tuna" in Lynnhaven, and the hostess was a gorgeous young girl in a miniskirt. The bar was filled with extremely hot women in their 40s and 50s.
After another day on the beach checking out hot young chicks in bikinis, we had dinner in "Catch 31", the Hilton's in house restaurant that is located on the first floor, along with the bar, all in one big open area. The entire wait staff for the bar and restaurant are tanned young girls in miniskirts. Blondes, brunettes, black and Hispanic girls, all of them fantastic looking!
Have you been to the Hilton? Go sit in the huge bar overlooking the beach and check out the wait staff. Un-fuckin-believable.
After dinner we went to the Sandler Performing Arts to watch "Defending the Caveman" which I thought sucked by the way, but the Sandler, which I believe is only a couple of years old, is pretty nice. The crowd was older but extremely attractive. The ladies were all dressed to the nines and the men were all in slacks and collar shirts. Everybody looked great.
The remainder of the week was much the same: beautiful people everywhere. We had dinner, two consecutive nights, at One-Fish-Two-Fish, also in Lynnhaven. The hostesses were a pair of pretty, shapely, well tanned brunettes in micro mini-skirts. The bar was populated by slim, smartly dressed people in their 30s, 40s and 50s.
Good Lord.
Friday morning we made the trek back to Falls Church, which was a good thing because I was about ready to lose my fucking mind in VA Beach. On the way back, when we weren't dodging/being delayed by accidents caused by idiot drivers tailgating at 80mph, I kept telling myself "Well, of course everybody looked great, its seaside resort area." But in reality, I knew better.
One more week of vacation time left and on Sunday we made the long haul, SUV filled with tools and hedge trimmers, to the family manse in suburban Boston. We arrived late afternoon and as is custom, I dropped off wifey and luggage at the house and headed into the "downtown" area of the small town I grew up in to get some takeout pizza and beer. Hey, don't get me started as to why every city and town in suburban Boston has a corner bar or pizza joint that has the best pizza in the world and after 20 years, I'm still looking for a decent pizza in Northern Virginia (which automatically rules out the faggott pizzas topped with arugula and goat cheese that you typically find around here (i.e., Lost Dog Café)).
As I'm driving to the pizza joint, what I notice is that everywhere I look people are WALKING and all the girls are wearing shorts. Yup, I forget about this in the course of 12 months, but rediscover it every year when I go home on vacation, but in my hometown, as in many places in the USA, people walk. Maybe that's why they're all in good shape.
So I pull up to the pizza place and stroll inside and BANG! Two teenage girls, one blonde the other a dark brunette, at the counter in daisy dukes and sandals. "JEEZ-US CHRIST", I said to myself, I don't want to ogle 16 year old girls, but I couldn't help but stare at their shapely legs.
The blonde behind the counter is about the same age as the girls in line and she's taking orders, also wearing short shorts and sandals. When it's my turn, she looks at me with her big blue eyes and big smile and says "Gee, we're a bit backed up now" she crinkles her nose a bit "mmm... it's about a 20 minute wait, is that OK?"
Are you shittin me? I'll happily spend the remainder of the summer here, staring at you.
A few days later, me, my 75 year old mother and the wife are in the South Shore Plaza, New England's biggest mall, maybe a tad bigger than Tyson's mall. They head off to Nordstrom's and me; I decide to stroll the mall. So visualize this: you're in Tyson's Corner Mall, at the Barnes and Noble bookstore and you slowly stroll all the way thru the mall to Bloomingdales. That the size of the SS Plaza (well, Tyson's is a bit smaller). So I happily cruise the entire mall, it's filled with sharp looking businessmen and women, nicely dressed and of course there's a hundred teenage girls in daisy duke shorts roaming around but what strikes me at the end is what I didn't see.
The entire way, I didn't see one of them.
Holy shit.
I didn't see one, not a single one.
Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough. So I walk back and carefully look.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
I stop at "Hennessey's" newsstand in the mall and get copy of USA Today. Wouldn't you know it, the girl at the register is yet another teenage blonde, and I shit you not, she's wearing daisy dukes and she's standing on the little carpeted area in her bare feet. Another stunner.
I continue my stroll back to Nordstrom's and sit down on one of the benches.
I can't fucking believe it. I didn't see one the entire time and I walked for about 40 minutes.
Not one.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP ….
I DIDN'T SEE ONE FUCKING TATTOO IN THE ENTIRE MALL!!!!!
And I'll tell you something else, as I sit on the bench I'm noticing that almost every guy, not all of them, but 90% of the men, have SHAVED. Yes, they look like they shaved when they woke up that morning. Imagine that. The pretty ladies are all in shorts and skirts and the guys have all shaved and none of them have UGLY FUCKING TATTOOS.
The day before we left, we did some shopping in the nearby Target. So wife and mother are bullshitting around in house wares, and I move over to the stationary area and notice this Asian woman and her kids walking down the aisle. The mother is maybe 40 years old and, of course, she's wearing shorts because, well that's what women, except in Fairfax County Virginia, wear during the summer: short pants. And she's also got on strapless heels, maybe they're more appropriately called sandals, I don't know. They're black, they have a 2-3" heel and the foot slides into them. Are they called slides? Beats me, but they look great. So she's slim, shapely, is wearing shorts and heels, has great legs, dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin and she's smiling at me. So we chat for a bit about school shopping and I'm ready to hand her kids $100 bucks and tell them to go buy stuff while I take their mother out to my Ford Expedition, slide my stiff white dick up between her brown legs and bust a nut inside of her Chinese cunt and that's when **POP** my wife and mother show up and ruin everything.
Oh well, it wasn't going to happen anyway, but it was fun thinking about it, no?
The next day, back home in Falls Church.
Its 92 degrees out in the late afternoon of our return and my wife asks me to run out to the Giant located in Loehmann's Plaza and pick up fresh milk, cream, deli meats and such. Sure.
As soon as I walk in there's this chubby blonde standing in my way, bitching at somebody on her cell phone. So I move around her, staring. Maybe she's 22, about 5'2" and while she's not massively, grossly fat, she probably tips the scales at 150 pounds or more and she's wearing these big stupid plastic earrings like they wear in Africa that creates these bizarre open circles in your ear lobe. Disgusting. And, of course, she's wearing something that looks like pajama bottoms even though its 92 fucking degrees outside, after all short pants are illegal in Fairfax County aren't they? Unfortunately, she also has on a tank top that allows everybody to get sick looking at her left arm which is nothing but ink.
So I stare at her, she doesn't even notice me, and I’m thinking "Blonde hair and blue eyes and you look like shit. You have to try to look bad when you're a young blonde girl don't you? I mean God gave you these great gifts of beauty and what do you do with them? Wake up in the morning and say 'I think I'll eat like a pig all day and then get another tattoo?' Girls all over the world would give up 10 years of their life to be white, blonde and blue-eyed like you and what do you do with these gifts? You throw them in the trash can you fucking idiot."
She keeps screaming at somebody on her cell phone and I move away.
I stroll around the Giant and it's the usual carnival freak show. Massive south American women with little kids, a couple of big fat black teenage girls wearing those gross spandex pants, yet another fat-assed blonde, and then there's this white guy maybe you've seen him before if you go to that Giant, he's probably 70, he wears a Crocodile Dundee hat and hasn't shaved or had a haircut in at least five years. His white goatee is braided into a knot, his appearance is absolutely fucking revolting. Over in produce I finally see an Asian woman, of course she's wearing a sweat shirt, jeans and sneakers like it's fucking November, not August. At the register, there's a white lady about my age, she looks like shit, she's got tattoos all over her arms and legs, but at least she knows to wear shorts when its 92 degrees outside, I guess I should be thankful for that and I would be if her legs weren't slathered in ink. Her man, another white guy, looks just as bad, more tattoos all over the place.
On the way out I see in the parking lot the obligatory young Hispanic male with gold chains draped around his neck which is decorated with MS 13 tattoos.
Welcome home.