how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Lamont Sanford Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dr. Teri, I hate the rain.

That's because you're not looking at the rain, you're not feeling the rain, you're not listening to the rain. We had some torrential downpours the past few days. That's when you walk outside and let yourself get drenched. It's a wonderful feeling.

Yesterday morning, we had an exciting storm, heavy rain, some intense lightning, and a booming crack of thunder that shook the house. What's not to like about that?

> Found out the waitress
> is moving away.

Good.

> Kind of sad about that.

Don't be.

> but gives
> me good excuse to stay away from bars for awhile.

Any excuse is a good excuse.

> tired of the stupid conversations with future
> alkies I've been running into lately.

Yeah... they say the same stupid things over and over again. So boring.

> Saw my
> reflection in the mirror at bar. bar should not
> have mirrors.

Well, I saw you sleeping in the hospital and you had a very appealing face, so you might want to look in that mirror again.... with a better attitude.

Actually, pick another mirror.....

> hikoo
same to you

Dear Dr. Teri, This has been a rough week for me. first one of my favorite baseball player's from childhood, Harmon Killebrew, goes to Iowa and walks into the cornfield
Then Jerry Lewis announces that the upcoming MDA Telethon will be his last. child hood memories of watching the telethon and it marking the end of summer. also marks the end of old style kind of show business .
the craziness of ARNOLD and his "Love" child
And now Randy Macho Man Savage dies in a car wreck
And then Saturday will be the end of the world
I'm fighting a strong urge to go to a bar and have a gin and tonic and look at young women in shorts before the rapture comes
Help me

btws,Dr. Teri have you ever seen the film "The Graduate" with the character of Mrs. Robinson?

Lamont Sanford Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Dr. Teri, This has been a rough week for me.
> first one of my favorite baseball player's from
> childhood, Harmon Killebrew, goes to Iowa and
> walks into the cornfield

I don't know baseball that well, Lamont, so I don't understand the significance of the cornfield... but I do understand that this is important to you.

> Then Jerry Lewis announces that the upcoming MDA
> Telethon will be his last. child hood memories of
> watching the telethon and it marking the end of
> summer. also marks the end of old style kind of
> show business .

I couldn't stand Jerry Lewis, Lamont, but I do understand that he was important to you.

> the craziness of ARNOLD and his "Love" child

Yeah, well, that's really no biggie. I mean, who doesn't have a love child today?

> And now Randy Macho Man Savage dies in a car
> wreck

I don't know who Randy Man is/was, but I do understand that he was important to you.

> And then Saturday will be the end of the world
> I'm fighting a strong urge to go to a bar and have
> a gin and tonic and look at young women in shorts
> before the rapture comes
> Help me

It's Sunday, Lamont, and you're still alive. Praise the Lord!

And, stay away from girls in shorts that are too short.

> btws,Dr. Teri have you ever seen the film "The
> Graduate" with the character of Mrs. Robinson?

Yes, I have, Lamont. I've seen it many times.

Dear Dr. Teri,

This week I prayed and prayed, hoping that the "J-Man" would take me in the rapture to his wonderful kingdom in the sky. Yet, here I am doomed to walk the Earth until the Zombies (aka Messicans & Black people) or some natural disaster (traffic on Route 28 and 66) get me. What can I do to make my life better? Should I listen to the voices in my head or in my closet? The voices in my head say I should be a cereal killer...The voices in my closet say I should be a Mormon. Can't I just do both...? I sure do love cereal...

Signed,

Crackhead Christian
Attachments:

Gosh Dr. Teri, You seem to be on vacation a lot?
Doc I went for an eye exam. bleeding arteries in eyes. yes that is bad. I get to doc's office which is really some cattle yard with 10 doc's and 100 patients. I go to exam room and what to my bleeding eyes do i find out but the doc I get treated by was no longer with the practice and they'd assigned me to a new doc with nary a word to me beforehand. I think that kind of sucks. they couldn't have sent me a measly postcard or phone call telling me of the change? Even with the old doc I remember one time I sat in the exam room for over 45 minutes. I didn't find out the doc was at hospital for a surgery till I overheard the technician in the hallway say this. they had no plans to tell me about it. I could have sat there for hours. Doc I hate doctors, one I'm not crazy about hearing bad news and two, the generally shitty treatment you get at most doc's these days. I hate cattle yards.

Crackhead Christian Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Dr. Teri,
>
> This week I prayed and prayed, hoping that
> the "J-Man" would take me in the rapture to his
> wonderful kingdom in the sky. Yet, here I am
> doomed to walk the Earth until the Zombies (aka
> Messicans & Black people) or some natural disaster
> (traffic on Route 28 and 66) get me. What can I do
> to make my life better?

Lay off the crack, for starters.

> Should I listen to the
> voices in my head or in my closet? The voices in
> my head say I should be a cereal killer...The
> voices in my closet say I should be a Mormon.
> Can't I just do both...?

Sure you can.

Unfortunately, I don't know anything about cereal or Mormons.

I don't eat cereal, never have. I have an aversion to little particles floating around in my mouth. And, I have never met a Mormon. I've never even been to Utah.

> I sure do love cereal...

I hear it's good for you.

> Signed,
> Crackhead Christian

Drop the crack, Christian.

Dr. Teri,


I am afraid to post under my registered name, but know that I am one of the more prolific posters on this board. Lately I have been stalked by an emotionally unstable female that goes by the name Alias. She won't leave me alone, she is like a Fatal Attraction psycho. What do I do about her?

scared to post Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dr. Teri,
>
>
> I am afraid to post under my registered name, but
> know that I am one of the more prolific posters on
> this board. Lately I have been stalked by an
> emotionally unstable female that goes by the name
> Alias. She won't leave me alone, she is like a
> Fatal Attraction psycho. What do I do about her?

Suck a big D, for starters...

Signatures are for fags

Hello Dr. Teri-

I'm learning to cook Asian food and I want to know if you think it's worth it to invest in an automatic rice cooker and what advantages they have if any over the traditional way of boiling rice.

I love your advice column it is very helpful and fun to read.

Keep it up!
Jen Yen

Automatic rice cooker is great...

You literally just put the rice and water in the cooker... then just SET IT... and FORGET IT!!

You don't have to fuss about boiling... You don't have to stir... you don't have to turn off the heat at the right time... You don't even have to watch the clock...

It's not like cooking rice is hard, but a rice cooker makes it effortless...

Signatures are for fags

scared to post Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dr. Teri,

> I am afraid to post under my registered name, but
> know that I am one of the more prolific posters on
> this board.

I understand... please continue.

> Lately I have been stalked by an
> emotionally unstable female that goes by the name
> Alias. She won't leave me alone, she is like a
> Fatal Attraction psycho. What do I do about her?

That's what you get for having wild sex on a freight elevator.

Dr. Teri- Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Crackhead Christian Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Dear Dr. Teri,
> >
> > This week I prayed and prayed, hoping that
> > the "J-Man" would take me in the rapture to his
> > wonderful kingdom in the sky. Yet, here I am
> > doomed to walk the Earth until the Zombies (aka
> > Messicans & Black people) or some natural
> disaster
> > (traffic on Route 28 and 66) get me. What can I
> do
> > to make my life better?
>
> Lay off the crack, for starters.
>
> > Should I listen to the
> > voices in my head or in my closet? The voices
> in
> > my head say I should be a cereal killer...The
> > voices in my closet say I should be a Mormon.
> > Can't I just do both...?
>
> Sure you can.
>
> Unfortunately, I don't know anything about cereal
> or Mormons.
>
> I don't eat cereal, never have. I have an aversion
> to little particles floating around in my mouth.
> And, I have never met a Mormon. I've never even
> been to Utah.
>
> > I sure do love cereal...
>
> I hear it's good for you.
>
> > Signed,
> > Crackhead Christian
>
> Drop the crack, Christian.

Dr. Teri you are a total douchebag but I'd still mount you like a Herndon Prostitute.

Crackhead Christian Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Dr. Teri you are a total douchebag but I'd still
> mount you like a Herndon Prostitute.

Crackhead, you're missing teeth, you smell bad and you slur your words.

In your current state, you'd be lucky to mount a grasshopper.

Lamont Sanford Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Gosh Dr. Teri, You seem to be on vacation a lot?
> Doc I went for an eye exam. bleeding arteries in
> eyes. yes that is bad. I get to doc's office which
> is really some cattle yard with 10 doc's and 100
> patients. I go to exam room and what to my
> bleeding eyes do i find out but the doc I get
> treated by was no longer with the practice and
> they'd assigned me to a new doc with nary a word
> to me beforehand. I think that kind of sucks. they
> couldn't have sent me a measly postcard or phone
> call telling me of the change? Even with the old
> doc I remember one time I sat in the exam room for
> over 45 minutes. I didn't find out the doc was at
> hospital for a surgery till I overheard the
> technician in the hallway say this. they had no
> plans to tell me about it. I could have sat there
> for hours. Doc I hate doctors, one I'm not crazy
> about hearing bad news and two, the generally
> shitty treatment you get at most doc's these days.
> I hate cattle yards.


Lamont,

You should have been informed that your doctor was no longer with the practice. It was wrong to substitute a different doctor without your permission. You should be treated with respect by your doctor and if not, you should find a new doctor.

I didn't know about your bleeding arteries, Lamont. This sheds new light on your fixation with D.D. and others like her. You've been viewing the world through blood shot eyes.

I hope you........

Sorry, I lost my train of thought.

Good night, Lamont.

Dr. Teri, sorry about that o Doc. i was pissed at the way most doctors act and I just needed to vent. forgive me. yeah bloodshot eyes. I think most folks think I've been smoking weed. I wish.

Who's this d.d.

Lamont Sanford Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dr. Teri, sorry about that o Doc. i was pissed at
> the way most doctors act and I just needed to
> vent. forgive me.

No need to apologize, Lamont. I understand your frustration.

> yeah bloodshot eyes. I think
> most folks think I've been smoking weed. I wish.

Lamont, if you notice anyone glancing your direction, just say, "No, I haven't been smoking pot." Then add, "But, it looks like you've been eating too much, fatso."

That will ward off any suspicion.

> Who's this d.d.

Lamont, I'd like to examine you, in my office. Since I'm not an M.D., you won't be kept waiting for hours and you will have my full attention.

Have you ever gone under hypnosis, Lamont? I'm a license hypnotist and can take you places you've never been before. (wear loose clothing and no jewelry or nail polish)

Stop talking to yourself Alias.

eesh Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Stop talking to yourself Alias.


Hello, eesh.

I'm up late, tonight, working on my second Ph.D., researching and writing my thesis.

I think I've proven that most men are gay.

Say hello to your friend, Alias, for me.

Are you two, lovers? Are you both, gay?

Dr. Teri- Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I'm up late, tonight, working on my second Ph.D.,
> researching and writing my thesis.





Well, I hope by the time you finish your second Ph.D, you realize you are working on a dissertation, not a thesis.

Hello again, eesh.

I tend to use the words "thesis" and "dissertation" interchangeably, as they are basically the same thing.

But, let's get technical for others out there who might be writing a thesis or dissertation.... let's say, on some aspect of OCD.

In the United States, you write a thesis for a Master's degree and a dissertation for a PhD.

In Great Britain, it's just the opposite. You write a dissertation for a Masters and a thesis for a PhD.

Of course, you will need to prepare a strong thesis statement (thesis abstract), which is probably the most difficult part of writing a thesis/dissertation.

I hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, eesh.

What kind of mustard do you like on your hot dog?

Dr. Teri- Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> What kind of mustard do you like on your hot dog?






I like Alias' lips on my hot dog. Hope that answers your question.

Is that a french or domestic mustard?

I've never heard of it.

Dr. Teri, No Loose clothing, no nail polish, no jewelry?
I asked you what do you look for in a young M.D. not whether I'm a transvestite
I think your tired from 40 days and 40 nights but I do think you are very professional and I can look it up in a book

Lamont Sanford Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dr. Teri, No Loose clothing, no nail polish, no
> jewelry?

Correct.

> I asked you what do you look for in a young M.D.

I look for a stethoscope.

> not whether I'm a transvestite

Are you?

> I think your tired from 40 days and 40 nights

That's a long time to do what I was doing.

> but
> I do think you are very professional

I'm certified.

> and I can
> look it up in a book

I'm so proud of you, Lamont.

Hello Dr. Teri,
I'm 40 years old, have 2 jobs and I am the only one who does any of the cooking or household chores. My husband has been out of work for the past 2 years and all he wants to do is have sex. Sex in the morning, sex when I get home from work, sex before bed and he will even wake me up at night and want more sex. I love him and I know a man has needs but I'm just too tired and I can't keep up at this pace. We have a neighbor who I know he finds attractive. Do you think I should allow him to exert some of his sexual energy with her so I can get some rest?

What do I do?
Maria

Hey Doctor-
My wife just turned 40 and she doesn't seem as interested in sex as she used to be. She works a lot and is a little obsessed with all the cleaning and chores she does around the house. I have tried at all different times of the day and night to start some romance but she is either too tired or too busy for me. Well, I don't have to tell you that a man has needs. I have been considering having an affair with our next door neighbor.

What do I do?
Jose

Dr.Teri
Hi, I'm a single woman and I live in next door to a married couple. I don't know what the problem is but it seems like they aren't getting along as well as they could be. Anyway I think the guy is kind of hot. Do you think it would be OK if I had some fun with him while she is at work?

What do I do?
Stephanie

I used apple cider vinegar in my washing machine to get rid of the odor


what color nail polish do you favor Dr. Teri

kinsey or masters & johnson

I was thinking of going back to GMU and getting an MBA. do you think a market study of nail salons and thai restuarants in Fairfax County might interest a professor

Dr. Teri I don't understand some of the oogie hedonistic behavior of todays bar maidens. Is it just a reaction to the oncoming collapse of society or are they sluts? What makes a slut and do they worry about disease or reference back to the forthcoming collapse of society

maria Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hello Dr. Teri,

Hello, maria.

> I'm 40 years old, have 2 jobs and I am the only
> one who does any of the cooking or household
> chores.

That must be stressful for you.

> My husband has been out of work for the
> past 2 years and all he wants to do is have sex.
> Sex in the morning, sex when I get home from work,
> sex before bed and he will even wake me up at
> night and want more sex.

He wakes you up to have sex?

What exactly does he do?

And, when you wake up.... well, just tell me, in your own words, maria.

> I love him and I know a
> man has needs but I'm just too tired and I can't
> keep up at this pace.

I think I understand.

> We have a neighbor who I
> know he finds attractive. Do you think I should
> allow him to exert some of his sexual energy with
> her so I can get some rest?

No.

> What do I do?

Tell him, no paycheck, no sexy.

In the mean time, make sure your paychecks don't go into joint accounts.

rick Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hey Doctor-

Hey, rick.

> My wife just turned 40 and she doesn't seem as
> interested in sex as she used to be.

This happens. Is she tired? Is she dealing with a lot of stress?

> She works a
> lot and is a little obsessed with all the cleaning
> and chores she does around the house.

Women like clean houses.

> I have
> tried at all different times of the day and night
> to start some romance but she is either too tired
> or too busy for me.

Have you ever tried slowly waking her while she's in a deep sleep... when she least expects it, and isn't sure if your advances are those of a ghost or some cute guy at work?

> Well, I don't have to tell
> you that a man has needs.

I've read that.

> I have been considering
> having an affair with our next door neighbor.

> What do I do?
> Jose

Change your name.

Stephanie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dr.Teri
> Hi, I'm a single woman and I live in next door to
> a married couple. I don't know what the problem is
> but it seems like they aren't getting along as
> well as they could be. Anyway I think the guy is
> kind of hot. Do you think it would be OK if I had
> some fun with him while she is at work?

> What do I do?

Buy a vibrator, Stephanie.

this is funny.

d t, how would one know if they contracted the gentle herpes?

bloody blisters Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> d t, how would one know if they contracted the
> gentle herpes?





Simple, it would look like this:

Dr. Teri- Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

disgusting, not funny picture.

____________

The disgusting picture did not come from me.

Apparently, some people find humor in grotesque images, but thankfully, I do not.

I wish I could report the impersonator, but Cary hates me so it wouldn't do any good.

bloody blisters Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> d t, how would one know if they contracted the
> gentle herpes?

Stay away from the following things:
Attachments:

I get so mad when world does not work they way I know it should.

McFisty Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> dr. t
>
> i feel like i want to skip work and just beat off
> for the rest of the weekend.



dr. t

this is really weird. i haven't felt like beating off very much for the last 2 or 3 days. i still do it twice a day but the other 3 to 4 times a day i normally would be working my man i find myself getting distracted or being disinterested. do you think this is just a phase? will it pass? should i be worried if it gets worse? can you suggest any ways for me to get things back to the way they were?

thanks,
McFisty

Lamont Sanford Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I used apple cider vinegar in my washing machine
> to get rid of the odor

What an odd coincidence. I used apple cider vinegar, just yesterday, in a dressing for red potatoes.

> what color nail polish do you favor Dr. Teri

see below.

> kinsey or masters & johnson

I'm a disciple of Dr. Kinsley of The Kinsley Institute.

Kinsey and Masters & Johnson are large poop eating dinasaurs.

> I was thinking of going back to GMU and getting an
> MBA. do you think a market study of nail salons
> and thai restuarants in Fairfax County might
> interest a professor

Market studies, buying short, interest rates..... it's a foreign language to me, but sure, give it a shot.

> Dr. Teri I don't understand some of the oogie
> hedonistic behavior of todays bar maidens. Is it
> just a reaction to the oncoming collapse of
> society or are they sluts?

One might say the collapse has already occurred.

Are they sluts? I don't know. But, if they're having sex with men they've only known for ten minutes, they don't sound like nuns.

The women's movement helped women realize opportunities once only offered to men. Unfortunately, many women have decided to emulate the behavior of men, some of which, is not very lady-like.

> What makes a slut

I don't know, Lamont. It's one of those things... you just know one when you see one.

> and do they worry about disease or reference back to the forthcoming collapse of society

I don't know if sluts worry about diseases. Maybe they think condoms keep them safe. Maybe they think the sun revolves around the earth. Maybe they think stars are diamonds.
Attachments:

EDIT: I spelled "dinosaur".

EDIT: I spelled "dinosaur" incorrectly.

It looks like Dr. Teri has lost her mind... What the hell??
Attachments:

D.D. by any chance could you get a bartending job at Sully's in lovely Chantilly? why you don't even have to wear that shirt

sorry doc teri just being a man i guess

or perhaps "dinosore"
who let the "Its" loose

Dr Teri,

Will you be returning to your practice on FFXU?

Hatemotor Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dr Teri,
>
> Will you be returning to your practice on FFXU?

Oh, yes.

I've just returned from a "Self Realization and Enlightenment" seminar.

My living and conscious energy has been awakened.

No longer am I trapped inside my brain. No longer am I isolated from the universe.

For example, I'm currently learning how to belly dance. It's invigorating.

Is there anything I can help you with, Hatemotor?

This is the new Dr. Teri-.

Hey Dr. Teri- do you think this skirt makes my ass look big?
Attachments:

.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/05/2012 09:57PM by Alias.

Where do you get these animated pcitures Dr. Teri?