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Jinx
I never saw myself making it to age 25, let alone 30, but here I am.
I never thought I would be happy, ever, in life or anything, yet I have arrived.
It didn’t truly dawn on me until I was taking a shower tonight that I haven’t found happiness, I made it. I get it now. You don’t ‘find’ happiness, you make it your own. You go out and just do.
It started with finally getting medication to manage my mental illness and PTSD. Then, it was in the choices I made. Choosing to let things roll off my shoulders instead of dwell, choosing to give forgiveness to people who haven’t done anything for it, choosing to take care of myself. I chose to be happy, and made it out of my image. Remembering who I am, the things I love and enjoy, doing what makes my heart full of light.
I get it.
I also understand that saying I kept seeing, that always made me think I would never be able to love properly. “Find someone who adds to your happiness, not someone who is your happiness” or something like that. It makes sense now. I was already happy, I already was enjoying life, and then I found someone who I can share that with. He doesn’t *make* my happiness, he’s not the reason I’m happy. He adds on to it. Instead of dancing in the kitchen alone, I’m dancing with him. Instead of being goofy while grocery shopping, he’s right there being silly with me. He didn’t make my happiness, I had it already, he just adds to it.
I get it.

It makes me sad to know that there are people out there who view every marriage as a divorce waiting to happen. Who think they can’t love while they’re feeling broken. Who think they’re forever ‘too hard to love’. You can love while in your darkest moments, you can find someone who wants to help support you while not being your sole support.

You have that happiness within you, there’s a light there, and you just need to find that first step to reaching it.

Mine was a good psychiatrist and medication.

What will yours be?

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jinx
January 9, 2018
2014 was a year of brutal downs, and new beginnings.
2015 was a year of slow changes, mostly negative.
2016 was a year of fear and crying, emotional abuse, ending with realization.
2017 was strange. It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t the best. The beginning was good, the middle was really rough, and when I thought it was going to end on a low swing, it ended up being a high note.


2017 started with a kind man, me walking out on a job that was causing me emotional and mental harm (and nearly physical!), and finding my current job. As the year progressed, I was only a temp to hire until August, my finances fluctuated, I got a second job that isn’t awful, and I was an emotional roller coaster, except not as much fun.

There was so much missed communication, or complete lack of, and I more often than not felt completely alone, even when I technically wasn’t. There were broken hearts, torn spirits, and hurtful goodbyes. The middle of the year was the worst for this.

The relationship I was in was crumbling, and in the end it was mutually agreed to split up. During the two weeks leading up to the decision, I decided to do the things I wanted to do, that no one ever wanted to do with me (or was ruined by the 2016 ex). My solitude felt new, my journey’s reviving.

I was remembering who I am, and what I enjoy.

I started reading again, went to DC on my own, played video games, and made a lot of positive changes. Everything led me to finally see a psychiatrist, and I’m pretty sure I stumbled upon the goddess of medicine, because my doctor has been only amazing. She listens to what I have to say, believes me when I share tales of terror (past doctors) and investigations (extensive Google searches, I’ll never take Xanax). She’s been only helpful and attentive.

I even went to a con by myself. Escape Velocity. Science meets Science Fiction. It sounded wonderful, and I was going to go, alone or not.

This is around the time I met someone of the likes I never met before, but heard horror stories of similar persons online and from friends. He seemed nice at first, and I didn’t mind hanging out with him. He brought me lilies, and I let that drop my guard.

It went from late night talks and laughter to crying and fear in a month. I missed the red flags, ignoring them because I was afraid to be alone. I realized I was fine on my own, that I could do it, after things ended, but it cost me.

If you ever are dating someone, and you recognize any of these traits, LEAVE THEM:
He wanted me to block my friends because they were asking how I was doing. That’s it. That’s what friends do, we check on each other. Yet, he wouldn’t block people sending him nudes.
He would get mad that I was on Facebook, and get mad about things I posted. Like, the stupid stuff that makes me laugh, or anything negative about the orange cheetoh in office. He spoke about reverse racism, and was clearly harboring racism in his heart, but was in complete denial.
He would also laugh at Feminism, and speak poorly about equal rights for all. He was clearly misogynistic, and harbored transphobia in his heart as well.

When I called him out on being a hypocrite, I was “name calling”. He was calm, demeaning, rude, and ignorant. I had never truly seen toxic masculinity, white male privilege, and the depth of emotional/mental abuse from someone before. I had heard stories, read them on Facebook via tumblr pictures, but never witnessed the full ferocity first hand. I have dated abusive jerks, sociopaths, and been around misogynistic ignorant butt-hurt privileged babies, but never someone who was so suave at it that if it wasn’t for the fact I was on medication, and had previously realized who I was, I probably would be in a terribly abusive relationship right now.


That was the relationship where I said, “Never again.” I was ready to go into 2018 single, go to cons by myself, and vowed celibacy. I felt strong, and I preferred being by myself doing my own thing than seeing people. I realized I am a hermit, I really am. The less interaction I have with people the happier I am. Ever since November I have been good. I can finally say that. My finances finally steadied a month after being hired on at my office, I like having money for once (and I’m not dating someone who’s constantly telling me to spend it and then yelling at me for not having much money), I revel in my solitude, I have gotten through so many comic books, and been able to take better care of myself.
I had done it. The thing I never in my life thought I would be able to do.

I was happy. Truly happy.

I liked myself just enough, I wasn’t bothered that I wasn’t going out, I was more responsible. I had everything I wanted, and then some. I didn’t feel lonely, I wasn’t worried about love, and I had even stopped thinking about relationships and sex without a problem. I just one day realized how totally okay I was, and life was finally amazing. I don’t know if I had ever felt such a pure calm and serenity before.



Then y’all were going on for a week or something about Bumble. A couple people tried to explain it to me, a dating app where the woman messages first. I looked it up in Google Play, read the description, looked through the pictures, and read a few comments. There was more to it than dating, and for whatever reason I had an urge to download it and see what it was all about. Do people really use it? What are these sections? There was dating, but there was also BFF and networking.

I decided to mess around with it, seeing what would happen if I changed things on different tabs (that’s how they’re set up kind of). So I created a profile for each tab, picked some stupid pictures (like me wearing the Link glasses for Halloween), and decided to swipe a few people. I mostly stayed in the BFF tab, which is full of wives, all of them *love* brunch and shopping (pass pass pass). There was a profile on the dating tab of a dude, whom I personally did not find attractive in the least, which stated, “If you don’t look like your pictures, you’re buying me drinks until you do”. Yikes. Most of the profiles (I had selected my choice as everyone, so I was seeing male and female profiles) seemed like nice people. Lots of brunch and drinking and hiking. I wasn’t really paying close attention, I was seeing if the swiping did ever end though (it does). I thought the app was a great idea, even in the BFF section I can’t send a message to a fellow woman unless she swipes me as well, but I still found it silly. Maybe because I wasn’t trying to look for anything, I was happy on my own.
Then it freaking happened. ”You two chose each other!”

Well, might as well look at the profile again, right?

Oh, he’s pretty cute. Hey, he likes Disney, tattoos, and works as an IT manager. Not so bad. Ah, fuck it, I’ll throw a message. If he doesn’t reply in 2 minutes I’ll just continue to delete this app.

“What exactly do you do as an IT manager?”

A minute later, I was having one of the best conversations I’ve ever had. He collected comic books, recognized my Domino cosplay (one of the pictures I chose for the profile), loved Disney (especially Alice in Wonderland) as much as I do, video games, books, kids movies, everything. He was open to learning about stuff he didn’t understand instead of shutting it down like the majority of people do. His level of romance matched mine (although he thinks he’s going to get me to watch The Notebook, lol, nope). There was this weird energy I felt. It was more than adrenaline, but it wasn’t hope. It felt like electricity running through my veins, it felt good.

He took me to see Coco that night. We stayed up until 7:30 am talking. We haven’t had a night apart since. It’s like I’ve found the missing glove to my favorite set. We talk about everything and anything, and our baggage doesn’t seem so heavy anymore. Old songs have new meanings to me, and even sound different. He’s happy to give me space, or give me all the attention. He doesn’t hinder who I am, and encourages me daily. He loves my friends, and they love him. He’s not controlling, rude, or bossy.

Seriously, missing glove. Perfect analogy.

We’re constantly reading each other’s minds. Obviously not literally, but it feels like it when you each are saying things the other was thinking, repeating whatever it is to a T. There’s no second guessing, no jealousy, we’re not losing who we are but instead build each other up. I’m still doing the things I enjoy, I just have someone to share it with whom I enjoy sharing it with. He isn’t my all happiness, and he doesn’t take it away. He’s adding to what I already have.
His crazy is a perfect match to mine.


“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
–Dr. Seuss

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Jinx
There’s a little more care put into my appearance to the point where it’s easier to take a shower instead of going 5 days without.