I didn't write this, just saw it and thought I'd share.

Not entirely accurate, but mildly entertaining nonetheless.

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition NoVa dolls for the Northern Virginia market:

McLean Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's in Tysons II. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Falls Church Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

Manassas Barbie: This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Great Falls Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Reston Barbie: This former Dot Com Barbie cashed in her options before the bust and now "works from home doing freelance consulting" until the kids get older. She comes with a huge house on a tiny lot, and she channels her formidable energy and intellect managing the extensive social and athletic activities of her three kids, each of whom plays two sports, takes piano and karate, and is on the chess club. A member of the PTA, this Barbie is famous for running her daughter's Brownie troop like a Fortune 500 company ("Do we really have a solid ROI on Girl Scout cookies?"). Her greatest personal accomplishment this year was outmaneuvering the other uber-mommies to be selected as Room Mother for her son's second-grade class. She comes with AOL Ken, accessorized with a Porsche, giant gas grill, and flat-screen TV equipped with Tivo.

Woodbridge Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She comes with a Hooters uniform, and a bottle of hair bleach. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Select dolls come with preferred black boyfriend Kendall, complete with oversized white tee and chains to his knees. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a HOTTIE bumper sticker absolutely free.

Sterling Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

Leesburg Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

North Arlington Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two North Arlington Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

South Arlington Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for South Arlington Barbie or Ken.

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edit by Cary: This was originally posted in the McLean specific forum, but I felt it was broad enough to be moved to general.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2006 02:27PM by Cary.

Hilarious ! ! !

HAHAHA

ROFL

If I may be so bold, I'd like to add Centreville Barbie to the list.

Centreville Barbie:
The series' first non-blonde doll, Centreville Barbie is of Korean descent. She comes with the Costco Shopping Labrynth Playset, which includes dual overstuffed shopping carts. Her Toyota Avalon features Oblivious Driver Technology, which allows it to operate independently of its driver--just like real life! Ken Kim figure sold separately.

I call people like that Toyota Zombies. Totally oblivious to anything around them.

Yeah, I think I've been behind that model before. The light changes green and everybody goes except her, then when the light starts to change yellow she takes off like a rocket leaving me stuck at a red light.

She also tends to be found in parking lots stopped anywhere but in an actual parking spot.

trekroner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If I may be so bold, I'd like to add Centreville
> Barbie to the list.
>
> Centreville Barbie:
> The series' first non-blonde doll, Centreville
> Barbie is of Korean descent. She comes with the
> Costco Shopping Labrynth Playset, which includes
> dual overstuffed shopping carts. Her Toyota Avalon
> features Oblivious Driver Technology, which allows
> it to operate independently of its driver--just
> like real life! Ken Kim figure sold separately.


Sounds like Annnandale Barbie, complete with my hello kitty gear. Kenny Kim sold seperately with a white work truck full of other asians. Payment only accepted in Yen

Funny shit!

The Economist22 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Sounds like Annnandale Barbie, complete with my
> hello kitty gear. Kenny Kim sold seperately with a
> white work truck full of other asians. Payment
> only accepted in Yen

there are actually very few japanese in nova. the majority of asians are from south korea.


"the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish."

Dont forget the West Centreville Barbie:

She is Korean as well, but comes with a Toyota Sienna with RWD and 7 kids in the back. Seatbelts not included due to "cost overruns", but all kids come with sport equipment and uniforms. Windshield is tinted on the inside so that Barbie must frantically look around to attempt to see where she is going. Car includes Fix-it technology to fix the car after an "accident" to promote getting away with smashing into other people and also allows fast driving in snow, becasue it'll automatically fix when broken. The technology prevents crashes with other Asians, however. Jose-Ken is hispanic and has no money or job, and therefore moust be stolen from the store. Extra beer and drugs may be stolen seperatly. Barbie, Jose-Ken, and kids all have special voice technology that prevents them from speaking english. Cop-Ken may be sold seperatly to quell the Jose-Kens, but most are too busy eating donuts or killing kids.

You forgot the Burke Barbie, she comes with two kids and two kids only. She parks her huge SUV on the roadway each day after school waiting for the brats to leave. They are way too good to ride a school bus. The SUV takes up the right lane of Burke Centre Parkway but no one seems to mind since they are so important.
She also comes with pussy whipped husband. Pull his string and hear him say the only thing he knows, "Yes Dear".
Her clothing accesories are a matching jogging outfit which she wears in the Giant Food while pushing those damn annoying shopping carts with dual seats on them.

Tim45 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> damn annoying shopping carts with
> dual seats on them.

The one with the red/green/blue car on the front that take up the entire aisle? God I hate those.

What a riot! Could those of you who've been around NoVa long enough please describe the Vienna Barbie product? As I understand it, production ceased in 1962, making them all at least 60 years old.

Well hello 2006

You forgot Fairfax Underground barbie....shes a 40ish year ugly old soccer mom whore complaining about Litsa

ya. Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You forgot Fairfax Underground barbie....shes a
> 40ish year ugly old soccer mom whore complaining
> about Litsa

Nope. Everyone knows there are no girls on the internet.

--------------------------------------------------------------
13 4826 0948 82695 25847. Yes.

What?!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2009 01:55PM by Shadow.

Bounce House Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What a riot! Could those of you who've been
> around NoVa long enough please describe the Vienna
> Barbie product? As I understand it, production
> ceased in 1962, making them all at least 60 years
> old.


~~~~~~~~~~~~> Bounce House Ha Ha! Math takes a giant shit on you!

Barbie has tits <=====> Barbie => 13
13+(2009-1963)= 13+47 = 60
65>60
QED

Nelson + that math = Suck it!

I don't get it.

Burke Barbie.... you are hysterical!

West Springfield Barbie - This stylish mid-forties divorcee comes complete with an S-class Mercedes with a license plate that reads "Was His." West Springfield Barbie only shops at Tyson's II and never, ever at Springfield Mall. West Springfield Barbie was planning on becoming Oakton Barbie, but got caught out flipping properties in West Springfield during the real estate crunch and is now forced to live in a neighborhood she thinks is beneath her. Skipper daughter Barbie (going to JMU) is optional.

I think you've gotten Oakton Barbie and West SPringfield Barbie confused, or were you referring to your ex?

Neighbor up the street. Nice lady, but rather bitter about her ex. Her license plate has a year and then the "was his" bit which I thought was funny as hell. The thing is there are a lot of single/divorced/widowed women in W. Springfield. I don't know why, but at least a third of the homes on my area are headed by single women. Tough bunch too. Last summer, one of my neighbors, in her late 30s, built a deck on the back of her house with the help of some of her female friends. When I had my deck redone, I hired a crew. She did it herself.

Another thing. She invited a bunch of us over for a neighborhood get-together where she showed off her new deck. I had to admit, she did a bang up job. That's when I asked her a bunch of other neighbors if they shopped at Springfield Mall. Their response (and I am paraphrasing here)

"Oh God no, that shithole! I just don't feel comfortable there."
"There have been rapes in the parking deck by Macys and JCPenny>

They all nodded in agreement at that statement

"And 'they' follow you around in the stores and stare at you, even if you're wearing a long coat. It's like 'they' haven't seen a white woman before..."

Get the picture?

"You know you're from NOVA if...
(18) You avoid Springfield Mall at all costs, even if you live in Springfield."

It's sort of become a joke with a bitter amount of truth to it. Since this is the Underground, I'll spell it out.

"White" Fairfax doesn't shop in North Springfield or Springfield Mall anymore. I'd say even "Black" Fairfax avoids it as well. Last time I was up there on a Friday night, I saw a few whites or blacks and a whole bunch of hispanics. No mall rats. Not a single one. Back when I was kid, you couldn't have thrown a stick without hitting a giggling horde of mall rats. Not anymore. I cruised through Time Out and it was all hispanic. Some of them had gang tats. And yes, I can spot and know a gang tat when I see one. You don't live as long as I have and lived in some of the places where I lived without picking up that particular skill set.

NOVA Barbie is funny. It's also sad too because there is a little truth to all of them. That's why they are funny.