peekzapeekzapalooser Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Conversational Curry Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Listen: I was fooling around with my wife last
> > night. I noticed she hadn't shaved her pits in
> a
> > while. As I gently began tickling the stubble,
> she
> > jokingly called it her "pepper."
> >
> > Post-coitus, our discussion turned - as it
> often
> > does - to Gallagher. Her earlier pepper comment
> > got me thinking of using G's comedy and jokes
> as
> > conversational spices: accents, flavor, and
> > piquancy that one could add to "pepper" daily
> > conversion to amuse and instruct. Kind of like
> > sprinkling a small airline-size packet of
> > erudition across your dialogue.
> >
> > And sadly, one is probably going to be unable
> to
> > recite "Cupid Pits LoverBoy Versus the Earth"
> >
> (https://www.gallaghersmash.com/cupid-pits-loverbo
>
> > y-versus-earth) while ordering a burger in a
> > drive-through, or while paying at a tollbooth -
> > but you certainly have time to drop a casual
> > Gallagherian witticism in those situations.
> >
> > Towards that end, I've put together a list of
> some
> > succinct G-man nuggets below. You all know
> them,
> > sure, but here they are in one place for easy
> > use.
> >
> > Enjoy, and spice up your life.
> >
> > 1. Living in California is like living in a
> bowl
> > of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is
> flakes.
> >
> > 2. If your knees bent the other way, what would
> a
> > chair look like?
> >
> > 3. Women wear a pair of panties but only one
> bra.
> >
> > 4. I found out why God made babies cute. It's
> so
> > you don't kill them.
> >
> > 5. Why are they called apartments when they're
> all
> > stuck together?
> >
> > 6. 'I before E except after C?' Americans don't
> > want to learn that! They just sort of make an
> 'I'
> > looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the
> > dot, right there in the middle!
> >
> > 7. If you water it and it dies, it's a plant.
> If
> > you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.
> >
> > 8. I don't know why they say "you have a baby."
> > The baby has you.
> >
> > 9. Our alphabet is based on some kind of a
> > bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the
> > Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle
> > business!
> >
> > 10. Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is
> girls;
> > bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls'
> > and 'bullboys.'
> >
> > 11. Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause
> > it's fucking dumb, that's why not!
> >
> > 12. People like crowds. The bigger the crowd,
> the
> > more people show up. Small crowd, hardly
> anybody
> > shows up.
> >
> > 13. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress
> the
> > opposite of congress?
> >
> > 14. Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk
> > Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
> >
> > 15. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a
> > year, why are there locks on the doors?
> >
> > 16. Well, see, babies are born with new eyes.
> They
> > look at the world with new eyes and you begin
> to
> > see things, too, through their eyes. I had a
> > problem with her with toilet trainin' and I
> don't
> > blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you
> > can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I
> > showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then
> here
> > was this chair you could shit in.
> >
> > 17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only
> get
> > one?
> >
> > 18. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations
> when
> > smoking is prohibited there?
> >
> > 19. Why do they put the little "on/off" words on
> a
> > light switch? If the light's on, you can see
> that
> > it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to
> see
> > the words on the switch.
> >
> > 20. When yogurt goes bad, how can you tell?
> >
> > 21. Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when
> they're
> > done building 'em? They ought to be called
> > 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that
> > crumbling over there.'
> >
> > 22. What is dumber than a blind person with a
> gun?
> > The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you
> > hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you
> > make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?
> >
> > 23. Why do they call that funny little statue a
> > bust when it stops right before the part of the
> > body that it's named after?
> >
> > 24. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
> >
> > 25. Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did
> it
> > ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well
> thank
> > God my underarms stunk! He came out of the
> bushes
> > and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
> >
> > 26. Y'know, God experimented with the other
> > animals before he got around to us. You ladies
> > oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and
> > getting that udder idea out of his head!
> >
> > 27. Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted
> fingerprints
> > from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes
> unwanted
> > walls from fingerprints.
> >
> > 28. Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If
> > one side of the horse moves, the other side
> goes
> > with it.
> >
> > 29. Why are there flotation devices under plane
> > seats instead of parachutes?
> >
> > 30. Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
> >
> > 31. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it
> sounds?
> >
> > 32. If olive oil comes from olives, where does
> > baby oil come from?
> >
> > 33. Why do you need a driver's license to buy
> > liquor when you're not supposed to drink and
> > drive?
> >
> > 34. I know you people, you're the smart ones.
> > You're not the ones going down the freeway with
> a
> > seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks.
> > You're not the ones goin' over the overpass
> with
> > the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn?
> You
> > almost wish they would.
> >
> > 35. This I before E stuff would've screwed up
> > Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.
> >
> > 36. I would like now to talk about the Japanese,
> a
> > race of very short people who are always
> bending
> > in half. You can't make an honest business deal
> > with them because you can't look em' in the eye.
> I
> > don't believe any group of people should be
> able
> > to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm
> talking
> > of course about the 'Cororra'.
> >
> > 37. Parents are trying to be friends with their
> > kids rather than draw the line and tell them
> what
> > proper public behavior would be.
> >
> > 38. What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
> >
> > 39. If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your
> > hand, what would they do, say... under your
> arms?
> >
> > 40. I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said
> "That
> > means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a
> Coke."
> > Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no
> > future. Bacon is not a career.
> >
> > 41. I know what people laugh at. I know their
> > vocabulary.
> >
> > 42. I have so much to say when I'm driving and
> I
> > only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A
> horn
> > just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I
> want
> > a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on
> top,
> > like the cops got. You can have 'em, too.
> Freedom
> > of speech includes volume.
> >
> > 43. You listen to the world, you'll hear
> > McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a
> > symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind
> > instrument and the fart's the whole note.
> >
> > 44. What can you say in America? Can I say
> > Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have
> to
> > prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you
> > wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit
> in
> > the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.
> >
> > 45. "Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the
> > front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram"
> on
> > the side, they're after your ass.
> >
> > 46. I have spent my life paying attention to my
> > art form, developing my art form, worrying
> about
> > my show and what I'm bringing to people, making
> > sure that I give them a fine trade.
> >
> > 47. You know that little indestructible black
> box
> > that is used on planes... why can't they make
> the
> > whole plane out of the same material?
> >
> > 48. Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where
> a
> > man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.
> >
> > 49. I like church though. Church was a reminder
> > there was something worse than school.
> >
> > 50. Why are all the home-ec teachers divorced?
> >
> > 51. Before the invention of the telephone, you
> had
> > to lie to people to their face!
> >
> > 52. Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels.
> He
> > must've known we get skates for Christmas.
> >
> > 53. We go to school to learn to communicate,
> but
> > all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"
> >
> > 54. You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on
> top
> > of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet
> and
> > you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up!
> > Now that'd be a sport for ya!
> >
> > 55. Remember this advice... Never let your mom
> > comb your hair when she's mad at your dad!
> >
> > 56. Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
> > drives on parkways and parks on driveways?
> >
> > 57. Wouldn't it be great if people were the
> same
> > in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark
> > Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the
> > headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee,
> > Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting
> > dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'
> >
> > 58. I want you to remember, behind every
> > successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
> >
> > 59. See, it's frivolous, superfluous products
> in
> > America. Like scented toilet
> > paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The
> > only thing you don't have to make smell good
> cause
> > it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell
> there
> > to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my
> > thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
> >
> > 60. So they bother you with it, they bother you
> > with it, they bother you with it. Finally you
> say,
> > "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and
> it's
> > dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days,
> > take it back to the store, get something else,
> so
> > when your mother comes over she don't see
> you're
> > still married to an idiot!
> >
> > 61. I've come here tonight to San Jose, the
> only
> > city in this nation smart enough to put its
> > airport downtown where nobody cares.
> >
> > 62. Do you need a pain reliever that works?
> Picky
> > shits, ain't ya?
> >
> > 63. I wish there was a knob on the TV so you
> could
> > turn up the intelligence. They got one marked
> > "brightness" but it don't work, does it?
> >
> > 64. I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee.
> > The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a
> > writer.
> >
> > 65. I have to say something about people, even
> > when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have
> to
> > say something about a little dude who runs
> around
> > the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat
> > It!"
> >
> > 66. I don't want to overthrow the government. I
> > wanna fire 'em.
> >
> > 67. People don't know how to behave in public
> > anymore.
>
>
> Conversational Curry Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Listen: I was fooling around with my wife last
> > night. I noticed she hadn't shaved her pits in
> a
> > while. As I gently began tickling the stubble,
> she
> > jokingly called it her "pepper."
> >
> > Post-coitus, our discussion turned - as it
> often
> > does - to Gallagher. Her earlier pepper comment
> > got me thinking of using G's comedy and jokes
> as
> > conversational spices: accents, flavor, and
> > piquancy that one could add to "pepper" daily
> > conversion to amuse and instruct. Kind of like
> > sprinkling a small airline-size packet of
> > erudition across your dialogue.
> >
> > And sadly, one is probably going to be unable
> to
> > recite "Cupid Pits LoverBoy Versus the Earth"
> >
> (https://www.gallaghersmash.com/cupid-pits-loverbo
>
> > y-versus-earth) while ordering a burger in a
> > drive-through, or while paying at a tollbooth -
> > but you certainly have time to drop a casual
> > Gallagherian witticism in those situations.
> >
> > Towards that end, I've put together a list of
> some
> > succinct G-man nuggets below. You all know
> them,
> > sure, but here they are in one place for easy
> > use.
> >
> > Enjoy, and spice up your life.
> >
> > 1. Living in California is like living in a
> bowl
> > of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is
> flakes.
> >
> > 2. If your knees bent the other way, what would
> a
> > chair look like?
> >
> > 3. Women wear a pair of panties but only one
> bra.
> >
> > 4. I found out why God made babies cute. It's
> so
> > you don't kill them.
> >
> > 5. Why are they called apartments when they're
> all
> > stuck together?
> >
> > 6. 'I before E except after C?' Americans don't
> > want to learn that! They just sort of make an
> 'I'
> > looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the
> > dot, right there in the middle!
> >
> > 7. If you water it and it dies, it's a plant.
> If
> > you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.
> >
> > 8. I don't know why they say "you have a baby."
> > The baby has you.
> >
> > 9. Our alphabet is based on some kind of a
> > bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the
> > Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle
> > business!
> >
> > 10. Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is
> girls;
> > bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls'
> > and 'bullboys.'
> >
> > 11. Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause
> > it's fucking dumb, that's why not!
> >
> > 12. People like crowds. The bigger the crowd,
> the
> > more people show up. Small crowd, hardly
> anybody
> > shows up.
> >
> > 13. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress
> the
> > opposite of congress?
> >
> > 14. Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk
> > Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
> >
> > 15. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a
> > year, why are there locks on the doors?
> >
> > 16. Well, see, babies are born with new eyes.
> They
> > look at the world with new eyes and you begin
> to
> > see things, too, through their eyes. I had a
> > problem with her with toilet trainin' and I
> don't
> > blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you
> > can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I
> > showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then
> here
> > was this chair you could shit in.
> >
> > 17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only
> get
> > one?
> >
> > 18. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations
> when
> > smoking is prohibited there?
> >
> > 19. Why do they put the little "on/off" words on
> a
> > light switch? If the light's on, you can see
> that
> > it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to
> see
> > the words on the switch.
> >
> > 20. When yogurt goes bad, how can you tell?
> >
> > 21. Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when
> they're
> > done building 'em? They ought to be called
> > 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that
> > crumbling over there.'
> >
> > 22. What is dumber than a blind person with a
> gun?
> > The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you
> > hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you
> > make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?
> >
> > 23. Why do they call that funny little statue a
> > bust when it stops right before the part of the
> > body that it's named after?
> >
> > 24. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
> >
> > 25. Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did
> it
> > ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well
> thank
> > God my underarms stunk! He came out of the
> bushes
> > and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
> >
> > 26. Y'know, God experimented with the other
> > animals before he got around to us. You ladies
> > oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and
> > getting that udder idea out of his head!
> >
> > 27. Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted
> fingerprints
> > from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes
> unwanted
> > walls from fingerprints.
> >
> > 28. Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If
> > one side of the horse moves, the other side
> goes
> > with it.
> >
> > 29. Why are there flotation devices under plane
> > seats instead of parachutes?
> >
> > 30. Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
> >
> > 31. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it
> sounds?
> >
> > 32. If olive oil comes from olives, where does
> > baby oil come from?
> >
> > 33. Why do you need a driver's license to buy
> > liquor when you're not supposed to drink and
> > drive?
> >
> > 34. I know you people, you're the smart ones.
> > You're not the ones going down the freeway with
> a
> > seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks.
> > You're not the ones goin' over the overpass
> with
> > the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn?
> You
> > almost wish they would.
> >
> > 35. This I before E stuff would've screwed up
> > Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.
> >
> > 36. I would like now to talk about the Japanese,
> a
> > race of very short people who are always
> bending
> > in half. You can't make an honest business deal
> > with them because you can't look em' in the eye.
> I
> > don't believe any group of people should be
> able
> > to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm
> talking
> > of course about the 'Cororra'.
> >
> > 37. Parents are trying to be friends with their
> > kids rather than draw the line and tell them
> what
> > proper public behavior would be.
> >
> > 38. What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
> >
> > 39. If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your
> > hand, what would they do, say... under your
> arms?
> >
> > 40. I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said
> "That
> > means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a
> Coke."
> > Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no
> > future. Bacon is not a career.
> >
> > 41. I know what people laugh at. I know their
> > vocabulary.
> >
> > 42. I have so much to say when I'm driving and
> I
> > only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A
> horn
> > just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I
> want
> > a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on
> top,
> > like the cops got. You can have 'em, too.
> Freedom
> > of speech includes volume.
> >
> > 43. You listen to the world, you'll hear
> > McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a
> > symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind
> > instrument and the fart's the whole note.
> >
> > 44. What can you say in America? Can I say
> > Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have
> to
> > prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you
> > wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit
> in
> > the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.
> >
> > 45. "Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the
> > front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram"
> on
> > the side, they're after your ass.
> >
> > 46. I have spent my life paying attention to my
> > art form, developing my art form, worrying
> about
> > my show and what I'm bringing to people, making
> > sure that I give them a fine trade.
> >
> > 47. You know that little indestructible black
> box
> > that is used on planes... why can't they make
> the
> > whole plane out of the same material?
> >
> > 48. Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where
> a
> > man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.
> >
> > 49. I like church though. Church was a reminder
> > there was something worse than school.
> >
> > 50. Why are all the home-ec teachers divorced?
> >
> > 51. Before the invention of the telephone, you
> had
> > to lie to people to their face!
> >
> > 52. Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels.
> He
> > must've known we get skates for Christmas.
> >
> > 53. We go to school to learn to communicate,
> but
> > all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"
> >
> > 54. You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on
> top
> > of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet
> and
> > you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up!
> > Now that'd be a sport for ya!
> >
> > 55. Remember this advice... Never let your mom
> > comb your hair when she's mad at your dad!
> >
> > 56. Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
> > drives on parkways and parks on driveways?
> >
> > 57. Wouldn't it be great if people were the
> same
> > in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark
> > Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the
> > headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee,
> > Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting
> > dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'
> >
> > 58. I want you to remember, behind every
> > successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
> >
> > 59. See, it's frivolous, superfluous products
> in
> > America. Like scented toilet
> > paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The
> > only thing you don't have to make smell good
> cause
> > it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell
> there
> > to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my
> > thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
> >
> > 60. So they bother you with it, they bother you
> > with it, they bother you with it. Finally you
> say,
> > "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and
> it's
> > dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days,
> > take it back to the store, get something else,
> so
> > when your mother comes over she don't see
> you're
> > still married to an idiot!
> >
> > 61. I've come here tonight to San Jose, the
> only
> > city in this nation smart enough to put its
> > airport downtown where nobody cares.
> >
> > 62. Do you need a pain reliever that works?
> Picky
> > shits, ain't ya?
> >
> > 63. I wish there was a knob on the TV so you
> could
> > turn up the intelligence. They got one marked
> > "brightness" but it don't work, does it?
> >
> > 64. I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee.
> > The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a
> > writer.
> >
> > 65. I have to say something about people, even
> > when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have
> to
> > say something about a little dude who runs
> around
> > the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat
> > It!"
> >
> > 66. I don't want to overthrow the government. I
> > wanna fire 'em.
> >
> > 67. People don't know how to behave in public
> > anymore.
>
>
> All such great points, that I even quoted them
> twice.
I LIKE BIG DICKS COVERED IN SHIT
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