I need support from you guys
Posted by:
SusanLivelygoo
()
Date: November 25, 2022 12:30AM
I (29F) recently went on a trip with my partner (45M) of 9 months. Our relationship felt like the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. I have never been so in love and sure of anyone in my life. On our trip, I had a really bad primary outbreak and was diagnosed with GHSV1. I also had a yeast infection and a UTI which I never ever get. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said no, and told me that was a fair question but never returned the question.
The doctor also told me that this could have been dormant in my body for years and there's really no telling who it came from. My partner convinced me it was from my last boyfriend of 4 years. I was so scared at that point that I have unknowingly given it to my current partner and felt immense guilt and shame. It was such a blow to my self esteem and my physical health, not to mention a week of our trip was spent with me delusional in a hotel room on 3 different Antibiotics. He was surprisingly supportive, told me everyone has it and it isn't that big of a deal and we will figure it out together and took really good care of me.
When we got back he majorly pulled away from me, said he needed space. I thought that was fair as we had spent so much time together. Weeks went by and we would still see each other and talk and he would say he just needs to work on himself and thanked me for being so patient with him and loyal... I waited and tried for two months, thinking he was having a depressive episode or something had happened and he wasn't ready to tell me. Or worse, that I was the problem and he didn't love me after spending so much time with me.
He made me feel like he was the victim of something awful and I so badly wanted to help him. Something did happen, I found out he slept with a girl half his age (I'm one to talk) in her very early twenties the day before we went on our trip. He slept with me a day or two later. A week or so after that I developed symptoms. We had the conversation about monogamy and STI tests a few months into out relationship and I felt safe and we didn't use protection in our "monogomous" relationship.
That was obviously the end, but I feel so broken now. I feel mad at myself, because I have all of this love for someone I hate. I feel mad at him, that he not only did this, but couldn't even be bothered to wear a condom! I feel mad at this girl, who knew he was in a committed relationship the entire time and knew me and talked to me like she wanted to be friends or something, and how completely in love with him I was. I don't feel like I trust myself anymore to evaluate situations or people. I don't know when someone is lying. I didn't know herpes was not included on STI panels.
I didn't know anything about herpes until a few months ago. I didn't know that people could be so fucked up, that the guilt would not eat them alive on day one. I'm terrified about the thought of ever trusting someone again, being in a relationship ever again, ever having sex again.
It's been 2.5 months since I was diagnosed. It feels like it's never going to go away. And no amount of reading and trying to understand how common herpes is or why people behave the way that they do is helping. This was the first partner, ever, that made me feel so worthy of love. And so worthy of their time and effort. And like we were going to build this amazing life together and take care of each other like family. And he just fucking annihilated me. I feel so traumatized.