Jesus Harvey Christ was born to a dirty, unclean woman of lower stock in the olden days (many Jesus scholars estimate these olden days to be about 90 to 125 years ago). The dirty woman who also had lots of VD's was named Maria Changstein. She went around and liked to tell lots of guys she was a virgin, but most guys did not believe her. THere was one guy, Joe Thurber, who was a welder in those old bible days, and he had had an massive head injury in a welding accident one day while some italian guys were making a big racetrack. Long story short Joe was not a smart man but he knows what love is, and Maria had met him while being a whore one day on Sunday and she told him she's a virgin.
Long story short, Maria Changstein tricked Joe into having carnal knowledge of her. When Joe started to get a burning sensation while urinating at the construction site, his foreman, Julius Caesar, told him he was a dummy and the girl Maria Changstein was a big whore and she'd given Joe the syphilis. Really mad, Joe went over to Maria's apartment in Venice and smacked her around a few times.
When Joe got tired of hitting her, Maria told Joe that if he didn't pay child support and also start to tell all of his buddies at the pub that it was an emasculate conception, and that it was God Christ who had seen fit to knock her up which made it alright in those days, then she was going to alert the authorities about an outstanding warrant for several rapes Joe had done (which in those days was not a big deal but one was a black woman and people were racist in those days). Joe agreed and then Jesus was born and he didn't know he was adopted and Joe Thurber wasn't his real dad until he was 34 and no one knows a lot about what happened in those years.
When Jesus's friend Kenny Morton told Jesus his mom lied to him, Jesus got really mad and started to go and act out and had sex with a streetwalker who started to follow him everywhere because Jesus refused to pay her, and then Jesus shot a couple guys in a church one time because they sold him a bogus rolex, and also got in trouble for public intoxication when he was making wine out of salt water and giving it to people and he got drunk and driving his camel and ran into a palm tree and some of the guys he gave the wine to also were under age so Jesus got in big trouble for that to.
In short, Jesus was turning into an asshole. That's when his dad, God Christ, decided to drive over from Heaven (which in those days was a small town outside of Naples, FL) and his dad told Jesus to quit messing around and fly straight. But there was a guy who Julius Caesar liked and he heard Jesus and God talking about stuff and the guy thought instead of leaving it to God Christ, he should probably take Jesus in and let him dry out in the drunk tank at the local police headquarters. God said it was fine with him and maybe it would teach Jesus a lesson.
In the morning, the guy who put Jesus in the drunk tank told Jesus he was eye witnessed by a woman riding the bus late last night and said she'd seen a guy fitting Jesus Christ's description busting through the plate glass window of a 7-11 and coming out with a lot of cash which in those days was a big deal. Jesus told the italian prison guard guy to call his dad, but the guy refused because he was sick of rich famous dicks like Jesus getting off light. He took Jesus and another guy in front of a crowd in the street and said you can free one of these guys and we're gonna kill the other guy, you pick which one. The guys picked the other guy because he looked less ethnic (which was a big deal in those days).
And so Jesus Christ was sentenced to die by lethal injection that day. One of the guys who was strapping Jesus to the table accidentally poked Jesus in his side with his car keys. Then along with one or two other guys, they injected Jesus with some stuff that kills people. Jesus Christ woke up in his coffin underground later that day and was able to get out. He called his dad and God Christ came over as soon as he could and picked Jesus up and they both drove off to Naples, Florida where they lived for a while. God Christ divorced his wife Inez several years later and remarried to Jenny Christ. God and Jenny Christ live in anonymity in Naples, FL and Jesus is still around, getting into all kinds of pickles and being a trouble-maker. He married to a Chardonnay Washington but had the marriage annulled 48 hours later. Jesus is under investigation for corporate racketeering and fraud.
now we observe the time Jesus got in a real jam and was executed by lethal injection every april and this is the history of easter
the greatest stroy ever told