Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> That was at least a bit of relief. The midwives
> are cleaning up, the crime scene folks realized
> that there were no crimes against society, but one
> could argue against humanity.
>
> My bowels feel like they've been hammered with a
> gong stick, or if you remember the scene in the
> movie Leprechaun, where he's using the pogo stick
> on that guy, you get the idea.
>
> My butt hurts. That starfish of mine is going to
> take time to stop whistling. Its not a comfortable
> feeling, and while the crash cart, epindural, and
> the midwives were supportive for once I'd like to
> just have a #4 #2. 33 feet of intestines scream,
> and they are only rewarded by hoisting a huge
> device out of my starfish, one that causes even
> more pain.
>
> In a sitz bath.


Sitz baths are helpful, but have you thought about making an appointment with a GI? I work as a technician, and think you would be best served by getting medical assistance, as this does sound painful.

Been eating swanson hungry man tv dinners all week. They are digesting well,I think the veggies combined with the wet brownie in the middle compartment are easily digested.

dive bomber Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Been eating swanson hungry man tv dinners all
> week. They are digesting well,I think the veggies
> combined with the wet brownie in the middle
> compartment are easily digested.

I'm not sure about frozen foods. I do applaud you all though. Dealing with rude doctors and others, I'm not sure if those are good for your digestion, but wish you the best.

Scat loving fucks!

A healthy stool should be,,


Color: Dark BMs are healthier, not black.
Length: Long BMs are an indicator of a healthy colon. For example, a child can empty the entire descending colon. Vitality, however, decreases with age and we end up only emptying a little bit at a time.
Shape: Ideally an adult with a healthy colon should be able to empty the entire sigmoid colon and be able to see a “U” shaped bowel movement.
Frequency: Dr. Clark considers one BM per meal to be ideal, which would result in 3 short BMs per day. However she also states that even one longer BM a day is quite good.
Effort: A healthy BM is produced without strain.
Form: A healthy BM is perfectly formed, does not float and has a good consistency, not too hard, not too soft. It leaves no trace on the toilet paper.

Great GI for those with superior bowels

GI Professional Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> A healthy stool should be,,
>
>
> Color: Dark BMs are healthier, not black.
> Length: Long BMs are an indicator of a healthy
> colon. For example, a child can empty the entire
> descending colon. Vitality, however, decreases
> with age and we end up only emptying a little bit
> at a time.
> Shape: Ideally an adult with a healthy colon
> should be able to empty the entire sigmoid colon
> and be able to see a “U” shaped bowel
> movement.
> Frequency: Dr. Clark considers one BM per meal
> to be ideal, which would result in 3 short BMs
> per day. However she also states that even one
> longer BM a day is quite good.
> Effort: A healthy BM is produced without
> strain.
> Form: A healthy BM is perfectly formed, does
> not float and has a good consistency, not too
> hard, not too soft. It leaves no trace on the
> toilet paper.


Personally I like the long ones and enjoy creating a swirled ice cream effect in the toilet bowl. It only works if the poop is the correct diameter, smoothness, and firmness. Stiff turds can't be swirled. Large diameter stiff turds tend to get stuck sideways in the bowl. If you know ahead of time or detect that type of poop is coming out, it is best to pinch off in bite-size pieces rather than pooping out an entire battleship-sized log.

I've seen some good poop category charts but didn't save them. The Bristol chart sucks. There is insufficient distinction for diameter, length, color, and spiciness. For example it makes no distinction between the garter-snake and anaconda size poop and lumps them both in the same category. The flaming shits and ghost shits are not even mentioned in the Bristol chart. Also, the Bristol chart puts chocolate covered peanuts in Type 1 and claims they are "hard to pass". Actually small chocolate peanuts or even almond size turdlets are fairly easy to poop out.

The Poop Name List

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do

The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.

The Stolen Poopie
The poopie you take at a techy toilet, with an automatic flush, that is flushed so quick that when you whirl around to see the poopie you worked so hard for, you are left with a violated and un-satisfied feeling. you never got to see that poopie.

The Different Types Of Poop

Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

I had an experience with a unique type of dump after drinking about half of the lime flavored flush stuff that you have to drink the night before a colon scope procedure at the doctors office. Looking back I think I chugged too much of that stuff too fast. My starfish opened up much like a fire hydrant that is being flushed out for preventative maintenance reasons and I puked out the lime green flush mixture at exactly the same time and then lost conciseness for a few seconds. My wife almost dialed 911 when she saw me on the bathroom floor surrounded by green and brown fluids. I would like to call that one the plane crash dump. God bless my wife for cleaning up that mess, I would never leave her as that is true love.

Ride, I used to jump my throne and ride
Six rolls of charmin at my side
It was so smelly, women cried
And I got bleeding butt but never died

I would ride that throne most every day
My boxer shorts got in the way
Those days were not considered fun
A groan thrones work is never done

My butt really hurts. I promise to read these after industrial grade duct tape is delivered. Goulash

johnny bravo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Ride, I used to jump my throne and ride
> Six rolls of charmin at my side
> It was so smelly, women cried
> And I got bleeding butt but never died
>
> I would ride that throne most every day
> My boxer shorts got in the way
> Those days were not considered fun
> A groan thrones work is never done


lol

Johnny Bravos work is amazing.

Just perfect and I hope Dive Bowels are doing okay.

As today is week 1, after RG III passed through my colon, I can honestly say I feel his pain.

Hey brown, I am house/dog sitting for a friend who is out of town and I am off work tomorrow. Going to watch football all day, how are you and your bowels now that rg3rd string is out of there? I have a 12 pack of bass ale on ice and a papa johns menu. Things are not looking good for my ass.

I experienced the frightened turtle yesterday, and had to leave the bathroom totally unrelieved. Then 2 hours later the turtle emerged as a "wet cheeks"/splashback poop. Had completed the paperwork and my pants already pulled up when an "encore dump" caused me to sit back down.

Gonna find my toilet and put my butt on her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been, when it's right it's right
Why take a dump the middle of a cold dark night

When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
Then we know the night is always gonna be here anyway

Thinking of a mid day dump alright
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite
And the thought of dropping a load gets me so excited

Sky rocket's in flight, afternoon delight
Afternoon delight, afternoon delight

Dive,

Oh dear that's terrible. Tempting but

You know Brown everything happens for a reason. I got a large extra cheese and mushroom from pappa johns yesterday, ate one piece and walked to the cooler to get another beer when my friends dogs jumped on the coffee table and ate most of it and I threw out what was left out because dog lips had been on it.
I called my buddy at the beach and he said the dogs would be fine and to let them out a couple times during the night so they can poop. Poop they did and quite effortlessly I might add, lucky dogs.

Sorry about that.

Dive it's almost as if those dogs knew. This is more proof of why dogs are truly mans best friend. They also don't need toilet paper, midwives, and sitz baths.

Insane Brown Posse. Just an idea as one of my kids listens to that bullshit.

I drove through Browntown VA this weekend and it made me think about this forum
Attachments:

IBS jokes,

IBS is the worlds #2 health problem

An old man goes to see the doctor. "it's about my bowel movements..." says the old man. "Are they loose?" asks the doctor. "No" says the old man. "Are you constipated then?" asks the doctor. "No" says the old man, "Regular as clockwork, that's me!" he continues. "You can set your watch by it....eight o'clock every morning without fail." "So what's the problem?" asks the doctor. "I don't wake up till nine!"

IBS is genetic, it runs in your jeans!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Thank you log floater and 5 am guy.

You have both created a brown bowel friendly smile. Thank you for that as yesterday I had one of the worst days ever.

Felt like my bowels were stepped on like bagpipes. Like with soccer cleats as I doubled down in pain and asked for Mr. Miyagi to help.

I hope you guys are doing ok.

You guys I feel sorry for but here's something that might make you laugh.

When I started selling houses some were trailers in Chantilly. A fat guy who owned one took a giant shit, right as potential buyers walked in. The toilet stuffed up and no sale

realtor12 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You guys I feel sorry for but here's something
> that might make you laugh.
>
> When I started selling houses some were trailers
> in Chantilly. A fat guy who owned one took a giant
> shit, right as potential buyers walked in. The
> toilet stuffed up and no sale


User name realtor 12,

Write ups such as this serve no valuable purpose. Please pay attention to the real estate market. You'll make money there.

How much $$$ you make doc?

Been awhile sorry guys. Anyhow wet towelettes are a life saver. I recommend carrying a fanny pack with them. You never know when needed and with that device in arms reach. Hope this helps you guys.

I have just been reading this thread some. WOW! Who knew there was so much butt suffering in the world? DAMN.

Smoked onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have just been reading this thread some. WOW!
> Who knew there was so much butt suffering in the
> world? DAMN.


Millions of brown Smoked. You aren't alone.

How are your bowels?

It's amazing the strain, the pain, the busted blood vessels one can go through.

Ones bowels can lead to problems elsewhere including your brain.

Your bowels control your brain, it's not the other way.

Had to drop a bomb at work today. As soon as I got settled in stall #1 some jerk comes in and sits in stall #2 leaving 3 and 4 empty. Why the fuck do people do that? He could have used #4 and we would have had a two stall buffer zone. I tried to wait him out but after 20 minutes he was still there. I have a hard time going with sombody that close to me. Ended up taking like half a dump and he was still in there when I washed my hands and left. Maybe he is a fag or something. WTF is wrong with people damnit.

dive bomber Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Had to drop a bomb at work today. As soon as I got
> settled in stall #1 some jerk comes in and sits in
> stall #2 leaving 3 and 4 empty. Why the fuck do
> people do that? He could have used #4 and we would
> have had a two stall buffer zone. I tried to wait
> him out but after 20 minutes he was still there. I
> have a hard time going with sombody that close to
> me. Ended up taking like half a dump and he was
> still in there when I washed my hands and left.
> Maybe he is a fag or something. WTF is wrong with
> people damnit.

Dive you aren't alone. He's not following bowel friendly etiquette, whether he drops regular #4 #2's so many do get to enjoy, or the veritable goulash that millions like you and I ring out on a regular basis.

I think he should be reminded to be more bowel friendly, as I have the same issue. Its bad enough having the pressure, the pain clamping down on the ol' starfish, but it gets far worse when some uninvited gypsy like guest, is next to you when working with or against your bowels.

Either way it is rude, and I hope you put something on his desk stating "Please be bowel friendly, and use the furthest stall." Sincerely, a bowel busting fellow

To my fellow citizenry, lend me your ears.

And maybe your bowels. Apparently some who posted this thread is generating a lot of Internet traffic, it seems you are correct. The brown internet highway does lead here. Despite some setbacks, such as UPS and the Cleveland Browns showing no interest in IBS efforts, the state of most bowels is strong.

If you wouldn't mind writing with your crap here instead of the bathroom walls, I'd be fascinated as would many, by hearing your bowel horror stories.

Whether you have gold plated bowels or what appears to be goulash, please make the rainbow a little more brown here.

Whether a brother in bowel or bowel buddy, step up although watch your shoes.

Fun fart facts,,,,


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass.

Beautiful Mr. 5 am,

I wish you a brown morning, and how are your bowels sir?

That is true, farting is one way our bowels engage us personally, and its best when not in confined places, such as an elevator. Its not a crowd pleaser, just like straining on the groan throne is not at all.

Its amazing the methane amounts, and various other compounds that are in our farts. Yet they are amazing just like our bodies, each with bowels designed to break down foods and eliminate what we don't need.

Oh man the police thought I had a meth lab

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Oh man the police thought I had a meth lab


Hey Brown. Have you ever tried eating swanson TV dinners? I have been eating them regularly because of my house being on the market. We have to keep everything clean and the TV dinners help as there are no pots or pans or even dishes to wash. I have really experienced an improvement in my bowels. I am eating hungry man fried chicken or sliced turkey with stuffing and gravy. The meatloaf one is trouble though, beware of that one.

Here they are the posers here
Attachments:

Ok I'll be back on but need therapy .

Dive, Swanson is a synonym for bowel buster

My poop was green the other day. The toilet paper looked like it had grass stains on it. I freaked out until I realized that it must have been from that store bought birthday cake with the blue icing on it. I fed the rest to my chickens. I'm hoping for green eggs.

relieved Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My poop was green the other day. The toilet paper
> looked like it had grass stains on it. I freaked
> out until I realized that it must have been from
> that store bought birthday cake with the blue
> icing on it. I fed the rest to my chickens. I'm
> hoping for green eggs.


Are you Irish and drinking green beer in large quantities?

The previous poster did remind me of something.

That's see how fast your food goes through your 33 feet of bowels.

Use food coloring. It's cheap, easy to find, and it's unique to see something purple sliding out your rectum.

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The previous poster did remind me of something.
>
> That's see how fast your food goes through your 33
> feet of bowels.
>
> Use food coloring. It's cheap, easy to find, and
> it's unique to see something purple sliding out
> your rectum.


I'm not trivializing your butt problems, but I sit here laughing. A busy day at the office, and while I'm not going to do this thanks

Gimme A Number 4 Number 2 groan throne!
In The Style Of Abba
by Jhonny Bravo

I was sick and tired of everything,
When I called you last night from in the can.
All I do is strain and poop and wipe,
Wishing for a good bowel movement.

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme a number 4 number 2!
Won't somebody help me be regular!
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme a number 4 number 2!
I really want to be regular!

groan throne, I was defeated, you won the war.
groan throne, promise to love me forever more.
groan throne, couldn't escape if I wanted to.
groan throne, knowing my fate is to be with you.
Sweet Jesus-sweet jesus-sweet jesus-sweet jesus-sweet jesus groan throne!
Finally facing groan throne.

You are pooping out Anon doc, here in in the can.
Pooping out Anon doc, feel the beat from the tambourine.
You can be regular, you can be regular, having the time of your life.

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! a number 4 number 2,
Won't somebody help me be regular!

What Do You Want To Be Brown onion?
In The Style Of The Village People
by Johnny Bravo

Where can you find pleasure?
Search the world for treasure?
Where can you get some witch hazel?
Make your dreams all come true?
Where can you prepare a sitz bath?

On the groan throne!
Yes, you can get some witch hazel!
On the groan throne!
Yes, you can prepare a sitz bath!
On the groan throne!
Come on now Brown onion, make a stand.
On the groan throne!

Brown onion, get some witch hazel.
I said, Brown onion, prepare a sitz bath.

It's outstanding to poop on the groan throne.
It's outstanding to poop on the groan throne.

They have preperation H,
You can get some witch hazel.

It's outstanding to poop on the groan throne.
It's outstanding to poop on the groan throne.

They have charmin,
You can prepare a sitz bath.

Brown onion, are you listening to me?
I said, Brown onion, what do you want to be?
I said, Brown onion, you can make real your dreams.
But you got to know this one thing:

Someday you will produce a number 4.

And..
You will suffer no more!

Mr. Bravo,

You truly are entertaining, and your musical styles. Wow, we need to get you at a bowel awareness event.

How much would you charge per hour, if I can get a microphone, a band, and comfortable chairs for people with sore asses?

That bravo guy is good. A few forced rhymes in there but very good. I was dropping a leisurely Saturday morning bomb this morning when I get a text from my Realtor, " Need the house between 10am and 1pm details via email." Now I have to go play hide and go fuck myself for 3 hours. I guess I should be happy my bombay doors opened wide and the payload was released with a minimum of effort.

dive bomber Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> That bravo guy is good. A few forced rhymes in
> there but very good. I was dropping a leisurely
> Saturday morning bomb this morning when I get a
> text from my Realtor, " Need the house between
> 10am and 1pm details via email." Now I have to go
> play hide and go fuck myself for 3 hours. I guess
> I should be happy my bombay doors opened wide and
> the payload was released with a minimum of effort.


I'll read the rest soon. How long or what should be done to clean a rectal mirror?

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> dive bomber Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > That bravo guy is good. A few forced rhymes in
> > there but very good. I was dropping a leisurely
> > Saturday morning bomb this morning when I get a
> > text from my Realtor, " Need the house between
> > 10am and 1pm details via email." Now I have to
> go
> > play hide and go fuck myself for 3 hours. I
> guess
> > I should be happy my bombay doors opened wide
> and
> > the payload was released with a minimum of
> effort.
>
>
> I'll read the rest soon. How long or what should
> be done to clean a rectal mirror?


Just pop it in the dishwasher!

"A flush beats a full house."

-Anonymous; 1987 Toronto Sears department store, stall #3

I’ve lost something which I cannot seem to find, / Trapped with the bursting fear of my heart’s desire / Tangled with uncertainty I cannot seem to unwind / I know I’ll drift away and jump into the fire



From a stall in Half price books 4000 Oxford Dr.
Bethel Park, Pennsylvania 15102

Dive Bomber did your house sell or smell? I dread the day a realtor sells my house, as when my sister Matilda visit or my groan throne smells rancid and like a trench line in combat, it's going to be a horrible experience.

It's Sunday, still no luck with blessing of the bowels. I hope everyone's day goes ahead and I have a new rectum mirror. Dishwashing it was a good idea, but worry it could mess up forks and other silverware.

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dive Bomber did your house sell or smell? I dread
> the day a realtor sells my house, as when my
> sister Matilda visit or my groan throne smells
> rancid and like a trench line in combat, it's
> going to be a horrible experience.
>
> It's Sunday, still no luck with blessing of the
> bowels. I hope everyone's day goes ahead and I
> have a new rectum mirror. Dishwashing it was a
> good idea, but worry it could mess up forks and
> other silverware.


We got a low-ball offer on our house, I am tempted to take it as long as they take it "as is". The wife wants to take it off the market if we dont get a better offer in the next 3 weeks. Looks like we will turn them down and see if they counter offer. My wife is buying fabreeze by the gallon and is encouraging me to poop at work or use camping toilet in the shed.
It sucks living in your own house like you are a guest. How are your bowels today Brown?

Do anyone got any gangsta rap about dey clogged up booty hole? I got a homey name Tyrone who gots dat same problem. I try to get him up in here but he need sum lyrics so he can colaburate one tyme. He aint listen to dat white people music.

peace.

Tdiz Jenkins Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Do anyone got any gangsta rap about dey clogged up
> booty hole? I got a homey name Tyrone who gots dat
> same problem. I try to get him up in here but he
> need sum lyrics so he can colaburate one tyme. He
> aint listen to dat white people music.
>
> peace.


User name Td Jenkins,

You need to seek psychiatric treatment immediately.

Im on the can

Im on the can

Take a good hard look at the motherfuckin can!

Im on the can motherfucker take a look at me

Straight shittin on the can of mystery.

Wiping my butt with paper made from a tree

............................

Brown Onion, I seem to have found myself in a predicament. I could really use your advice here.

This thread has hit its lowest point yuck!

Brownfish Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Brown Onion, I seem to have found myself in a
> predicament. I could really use your advice here.
>
>
>


Wtf??????

Brownfish Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Brown Onion, I seem to have found myself in a
> predicament. I could really use your advice here.
>
>
>

Someone had sushi and didn't chew before swallowing.

I sit here shocked, a torn up starfish and then these aquatic creatures pouring out of a man's rectum.

This is truly an awful day with the brown. My ass hurts. My head hurts. Oh my poor bowels and brain are simply toast.

I do apologize Dive Bomber,

That image just for whatever reason was too fishy for my taste.

Anyhow, I am sorry about your plight. To have to use an outside shitter, and while admirable your wife has stayed with you despite bowels that might not be up to par, what on earth is she doing? I don't mean to intrude in your marital or bowel bliss, but are you on the same roll of toilet paper?

I understand you need to sell this house, and want to get a profit, but I hope this doesn't cause problems, and you can get those potential buyers to avoid the carcass like smell emanating from your bathrooms.

A lot of threads on here are disgusting, but this one wins by a landslide. Whether its talking about taking a dump, various devices inserted up in awful spots, or pics like the one with the fish ass, you guys really do need to get some help.

I'm not trying to be a dick but you are some sick bastards.

Knower, know my bowels aren't the best nor are many people's.

Now to drop off a full sized truck.

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Knower, know my bowels aren't the best nor are
> many people's.
>
> Now to drop off a full sized truck.


User name Brown Onion,

I certainly didn't miss your obtuse write ups while in the Caribbean. Yet please for the sake of others, refrain from such immaturity and with your experience, consider refraining from posting.

Yes the anal doc enjoys vacations in the Virgin Islands or somewhere, when all he does is sodomize the assholes of people for money.

I'm guessing in that part of the world, your stinky finger/money do quite well. That's exactly why you are a "GI" as you call it, although in my view you are a sadist that couldn't make it to a real medical specialty.

You are an asshole who looks at assholes.

I'd like to thank the police for checking on my welfare. While the clothes pins were a bit much, at least they used please and thank you. Unlike the doctor.

Dropped another bomb at work this morning just my luck the boss walks in just as the paint on the walls was starting to peel from the odor. He was heard to utter the words "JESUS FUCK!" My review is just a month away so I am not expecting a pay increase.

dive bomber Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dropped another bomb at work this morning just my
> luck the boss walks in just as the paint on the
> walls was starting to peel from the odor. He was
> heard to utter the words "JESUS FUCK!" My review
> is just a month away so I am not expecting a pay
> increase.


Ah, your bowels have let you down dive bomber, but you can handle this brown matter.

Set up an appointment with your boss. As you discuss your bowels and log sized shits, he will squirm behind his desk.

You'll get twice your average raise

I feel as if Shao Khan engaged my bowels in Mortal Kombat.

Is it okay for a grown man to cry?

good thread.

I have a problem only where there is no private place to poop. I am 44 years old and I have only pooped in a public restroom about 10 times. I have pooped in the woods a few times and I can poop in my own hotel room but not a shared room. Are there others that share my phobia?

shy guy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> good thread.
>
> I have a problem only where there is no private
> place to poop. I am 44 years old and I have only
> pooped in a public restroom about 10 times. I have
> pooped in the woods a few times and I can poop in
> my own hotel room but not a shared room. Are there
> others that share my phobia?


Hi Shy guy,

You aren't alone. I'm hoping others will chime up here, because we have talked about this. All of us to a degree, have the same problem.

Mine is because well the screams, the gripping the stall doors, has led to some embarrassing situations as my bowels have endured hell and led to misfortune in other areas.

Yet like you I prefer the groan throne at my house.

The pope is coming to the US.

Does he have a golden groan throne?

Guessing holy shits.

Pope Francis doesn't have IBS. Benedict does.

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The pope is coming to the US.
>
> Does he have a golden groan throne?
>
> Guessing holy shits.
>
> Pope Francis doesn't have IBS. Benedict does.


Visit the psych ward

I believe anon doc is a troll who sells phone books

Matilda and I had a good dinner at a restaurant. The Cracker Barrel wasn't the best option in Manassas, but we were able to order some salads.

Greens tend to be best for those with bad bowels, but tonight we were both shocked by the rudeness of fellow diners. A family next to us showed bad manners. Matilda and I were talking about our bowel woes, the rankings we got on the Bristol Stool Guide, and sitz baths for our rectums when the father approached our table.

His comment about "our inappropriate discussion" was inappropriate for him and his wanna be yuppie wife and rug rats to deal with. If we had been discussing angina or cancer, we would have gotten the appropriate sympathy, yet our waitress came out wearing a clothespin on her nose.

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Matilda and I had a good dinner at a restaurant.
> The Cracker Barrel wasn't the best option in
> Manassas, but we were able to order some salads.
>
> Greens tend to be best for those with bad bowels,
> but tonight we were both shocked by the rudeness
> of fellow diners. A family next to us showed bad
> manners. Matilda and I were talking about our
> bowel woes, the rankings we got on the Bristol
> Stool Guide, and sitz baths for our rectums when
> the father approached our table.
>
> His comment about "our inappropriate discussion"
> was inappropriate for him and his wanna be yuppie
> wife and rug rats to deal with. If we had been
> discussing angina or cancer, we would have gotten
> the appropriate sympathy, yet our waitress came
> out wearing a clothespin on her nose.


Hey Brown. Screw that guy at the Crack Barrel. You guys were discussing a legitimate subject without any profanity I assume so they can go pound sand if they don't like it.
How are your bowels Brown?

Dive,

Thank you as this cruel man not only interrupted our dinner, but the condescending tone towards my sister and I is outrageous. Perhaps him his stepford wife and little rug rats wearing Ralph Lauren should discuss their bowels.

Its not fair for us with IBS.

To be honest Dive I have a wretched feeling about what's brewing. The stress from this encounter is just unbelievable. The midwives are on standby just in case.

How are your bowels? Any movement there or on your house?

Hi guys, 5 am checking in here. Looking forward to getting off work in about an hour and a half. You know I get strange looks from people at the convenience store as I am standing in line at 7am with a 12 pack of beer while they are getting their coffee and danish. 7am to me is like 5pm to the rest of the world and for some reason I like it that way.
Anyway,I saw this restroom sign that I thought you guys would get a kick out of. I wish you all pleasant bowels!
Attachments:

How do the hops in the beer affect you 5 am? Do they cause sessions of dreadful beer shits?

That sign is bowel friendly. Do you think Bed, Bath and Beyond sells them?

Still on the groan throne. Midwives are enroute

I think I might be passing Gerrymander. This is one big shit enroute. The midwives ashen faces tell me all I need to know.

There are no atheists in foxholes or on groan thrones

There is some battle damage. My fish feels like it just churned up more brown butter than the Amish.

Brown Onion
Attachments:

How much does a typical shit weigh?

I sit here chuckling. Bowels is such an old term, from way way way back in the day.

Mine aren't what they used to be, but you folks are amusing!

Olde Farte68 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I sit here chuckling. Bowels is such an old term,
> from way way way back in the day.
>
> Mine aren't what they used to be, but you folks
> are amusing!


From one silver hair to another, welcome to the best thread on Fairfax Underground. We've had some success, educational opportunities, and of course comradeship. Esprit de corps bowels.

How are your bowels? Don't be ashamed

I feel better with this thread. Also I have IBS and via a message to Brown Onion, I feel comfortable knowing I'm not alone. My condition is like his. Lots of constipation, anxiety, and gas. It's not fun but good supporting and I don't feel alone anymore. Yes it's a headache but I feel happier. Brown Onion deserves a lot of credit as do others here.

Thank you for the welcome. I'm old so it's expected, psoriasis and other ailments including hearing loss.

As for my digestive system, I can't eat in the large amounts I used to while a young man. I eat two meals a day. Toilet time usually isn't too bad but sometimes yes, my cranky ass needs a bit more pushing than it used to. Sometimes I have to take a laxative, but usually a bit of work gets the job done.

Old Fart and other IBS sufferers...

Old Fart: You mentioned you have Psoriasis and IBS/digestive issues.

After moving I've had people comment on the psoriasis on my elbows. 2 out of 3 people said they had psoriasis as well AND their sibling had IBS/digestive issues. How odd the connection! My brother has IBS.

I have used Humira for 3 years to control my psoriatic arthritis and now I see TV ads for its use for IBS/digestive issues.

Might I suggest you and other IBS sufferers check into this with your doctors? 'Tummy' doctors may not recommend this to pocket their own pockets w/money from visits because we all know they are jack asses (I'm NOT mentioned 'He who shall not be named' though I'm implying HIM).

The only side effect I've ever had was liver function kicked up a notch but she simply lowered it to bi-weekly from weekly. The 'cancer' warning are a bit extreme but it sure is worth checking into!!

Let me know how this works out. Blooming onion, for god's sake....please try this!!! You have such a severe case it really IS worth trying.

Supporter

I've been to that Cracker Barrel as I'm sure tons of others, huh?

Anywho, you know I support you sufferers but in this case that is indeed not a discussion in a public restaurant. I would have been perturbed as well but whether I would have mentioned something, I don't know. That's a situation for "What Would You Do?"

I would be more considerate of others in a public place. Perhaps?

Brown Onion and BEH
Attachments:

I wish the pope would bless our bowels.

Brown Onion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How do the hops in the beer affect you 5 am? Do
> they cause sessions of dreadful beer shits?
>
> That sign is bowel friendly. Do you think Bed,
> Bath and Beyond sells them?
>
> Still on the groan throne. Midwives are enroute


The beer shits are not a problem. I just drink 5 or 6 Budweisers every morning when I get off work, watch my dvr a little then get to bed around noon. The beers mellow me out and help me sleep in the middle of the day. Are your bowels giving you trouble today brown onion?

Wow a lot of posts to read. I will and respond to them with brown handwriting as soon as I find my reading glasses and get off the groan throne.

Diced thank you, but in all honesty I'm just one of the brown. A fellow human being with 33 feet of intestines and a rectum that don't always get alone.

This thread is liberating. We aren't alone. The fear of soiling ourselves or heaving large objects is normal.

Olde Fart how long have you used these laxatives, and have they made any difference in your bowels?

Supporter,

You have always been so kind, I hope your bowels are fine today, and thank you for the Humira tip. Maybe the GI would miss jamming his fat fingers in my rectum along with getting paid to do such, as he's never brought that up .

I know you mean well, but bowels are part of our bodies. If Matilda and I want to talk about lungs, hearts, or toe fungus at Cracker Barrel, I'm failing to see the problem. The angry father had bowels, and I have a feeling he felt entitled to shit on us, because his are superior.

Dive, it would be wonderful if in English, Latin, or Spanish, if the Pope blessed our bowels. He strikes me as a caring man, I hope his bowels serve him well on his trip to our region although not our nether regions.

Maybe on his next visit he can bless our bowels, as we bend over and allow our rectums to be splashed.

Mr 5 am you are lucky as beer can lead to smelly shits, which can cause wallpaper to fall off.

There was a note on my desk this morning. I have been informed that the mens room on the third floor has superior ventilation compared to the other mens rooms in the building and that the third floor is less than half rented out so the restrooms get much less traffic there. I am not sure if someone is trying to be helpful or just wants to keep me out of the fifth floor mens room. The note was not signed.

Dive,

That's so rude and proof, that even those whom have superior bowels, don't have guts to sign their name.

Was it your boss? I'm wondering how that discussion about your bowels went.