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Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 01, 2013 03:32PM

My apologies to Dairy Queen. If you eat three ice cream cones, two hot fudge sundaes, and a milkshake, there's not much you can do but leave a heap of humid shit on the floor.If only Eesh could assist plugging up my asshole with super glue, or maybe more complete could fist the problem away, it would be better for the poor sops who have to clean up the mess. The children of the lilly white soccer mom in the Sienna, would not have to explain the biological deposit left in front of the counter.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: dear eyedea ()
Date: April 01, 2013 03:33PM

you aren't very good at trolling

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 01, 2013 03:43PM

Trolling is shit hanging out of ones rectal area, most likely cf caused by eating foods that cause rabbit turd style defecations. This is the opposite, as some poor minimum wage earning bastard , just had his already crappy day made worse for the wear, with e coli and hepatitis on his broom or perhaps the bottom of the shoes DQ sent him from the mail order catalog. This man might need to file a workman compensation request, for therapy and or a cleaning in bleach. A shame to have left such a package, without a red bow on top.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: dear eyedea ()
Date: April 01, 2013 03:44PM

tl;dr

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 01, 2013 07:25PM

Dairy Queen is a double edged sword for the lactose intolerant that are lacking in will.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: _Eyedea_ ()
Date: April 01, 2013 07:31PM

dear eyedea Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> tl;dr


wasn't me. I take a lot of pride in my trolling, and I find potty humor to be ill suiting for a master troll. cuz the idea is to get a reaction, you see. I wasnt named to the All FFXU regional trolling team(two years in a ROW) for nothing.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Tough One ()
Date: April 01, 2013 07:33PM

BEH Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Dairy Queen is a double edged sword for the
> lactose intolerant that are lacking in will.


Anyone who can have wit with shit, is quite a hit. Props BEH!

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 07:00AM

Bollocks! My rump became full of a cataclysmic explosion, stomach juices started to churn up, as the combination of croissants, cheese and coffee did their bidding. I am sorry to the lady at 7 11 who toils over the remnants of my rather intrusive breakfast. To her your day might have started on a sour stinky note, but the day will get better, as the cornhole related issues of this morning, shall later be forgotten with sanitizer and febreeze.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 08:17AM

Sorry about the pinching a loaf, but the grocer should be grateful for surplus baked goods.Digging mud from the bottom of the pond led to another surprise, defecation on aisle 2 with a Cleveland Steamer Lincoln log for all to see. May the ventilation system work well, to eliminate the fetid smell, and on a plus note tongs should take care of this deposit. True there might be a clean up on aisle 2 but the area will be less congested of customers, clear like my empty rear and intestines that might just get a reprieve.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: zirquest ()
Date: April 02, 2013 08:29AM

Gordon79 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My apologies to Dairy Queen. If you eat three ice
> cream cones, two hot fudge sundaes, and a
> milkshake, there's not much you can do but leave a
> heap of humid shit on the floor.If only Eesh could
> assist plugging up my asshole with super glue, or
> maybe more complete could fist the problem away,
> it would be better for the poor sops who have to
> clean up the mess. The children of the lilly white
> soccer mom in the Sienna, would not have to
> explain the biological deposit left in front of
> the counter.


love your posts on ratemypoo

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ralph Pootawn ()
Date: April 02, 2013 08:40AM

strange, I havent had my morning shit yet o_O

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 10:05AM

Mylanta did not do the trick, as I just dropped what appears to be a Oreos and Cream after some induced colon bowlin'. The feta cheese looking crap made quite the site for sore eyes. Citizens of every stripe and color stood in awe, as the agony from my buttocks generated quite the response.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: butt chugger ()
Date: April 02, 2013 10:57AM


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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 11:59AM

Where is eesh with the fantastic fister five thousand? Where is more complete with the super glue or sutures? This cannot continue, these explosive bowel volcanic eruptions of crayola brown.My legs hurt from the crouching and my poor asshole needs flowers and a card as it has been through so much.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 12:34PM

Kibbles and bits, a dash of gravy, and you will have what I left at the music store. The Meade Skelton Special, it made my bung hole scream in agony, wishing that my cries would be heard by those who have expertise in fisting and closing up the barn yard door for some time. A lady I'm friends with expects curry tonight and if that's the case my hole is going to be on fire.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 01:27PM

I just learned a valuable lesson, in that not all dumplings in a toilet are ever the same, in fact they are biological fingerprints. The staff at McDonalds were not pleased by my efforts, well intended they were, as alas the plunger turned the toilet into turd soup. While not quite as appetizing as what is on the menu, this is full of fiber and free to all.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 03:46PM

It appears the fister five thousand, along with more complete and eesh controlling this crap fighting contraption, would not be enough for the soft serve delivered at Home Depot. It was a shame to check the plumbing in the garden supplies area, but while in Rome do as they do. The plants have been fertilized, although the tomatoes should be washed thoroughly as this one cannot be blamed on Mexicans who know a thing or two about Montezumas revenge. My asshole serves proof of that .

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 02, 2013 04:37PM

I'm glad my girlfriend is understanding of my issues emanating from the boiler room in my pants, and with clothes pins on her nose, is not afraid to be seen with my stinky ass in public. She has been kind enough to hold my hand when processing raw fish, or Vietnamese made of Siamese. Its good knowing she has my back or in all reality rear.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 03, 2013 11:43AM

Your ass is a hero, wounded in action, and deserves a Purple Heart.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 08:58AM

Damn it my ass just cannot take much more. Those cinnabons this morning are worthy of an award for bubblebutts. After sitting on the can to defecate, hands on the throne and veins popping out along with the necessary screaming I can proudly render a mission accomplished verdict. While the toilet in question was overwhelmed I feel some relief from the gludial area.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: nicobolas ()
Date: April 04, 2013 09:05AM

its a forum about shit from shit ..... damn these tryhards.....
not a troll just a dick.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 11:30AM

When you ask for the works from pizza hut they aren't kidding, because what comes out of your rear end is open to interpretation. It is with profound thanks that my asshole blew chunks, and I'm pleased that pineapple or corn were not one of the toppings. To the minimum wage employees at the Walgreens I am remorseful, and will try not to double tap your establishment, by making what churns available to you and your customers in the vitamins aisle. Next time I promise to be more vigilant, and go to the aisle with the Charmin.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 12:39PM

Oh my oh my the Cold Stone sundae did not agree with my stomach, ans Brown remnants are all I have to show for that five dollar greenback. It appears the old constitution cannot handle the hot fudge, because with some processing, what results is a steamy pile of shit that alas causes the citizenrt to believe livestock have taken up spots at their strip malls. Please ignore the stench wafting with the winds, and be sure to walk around the piles of fecal matter that are dotting the local landscape.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 04, 2013 12:48PM

Let this be a lesson to all you kids.

Fecal MATTERS!

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 02:06PM

Fecal does matter because while it consists of undigested particles, and water an impressive log can be squeezed out of your butt cheeks, just like a cake maker can with the frosting. Watch what you eat because the food at El Taco can cause El Crapo, there's no predicting when a massive shit is heading down your intestines rolling towards your undies, like the asteroid in Armageddon. Bruce Willis and his team won't be drilling, rather they will be drenched by a gigantic shit cloud, that tomato sauce won't help with the stench factor.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 02:42PM

That was not wise, as it would behoove you to avoid nachos and cheese, to protect the soul of your hole. This one really burned, and a I'm sorry note and box of chocolates will be gift wrapped and sent to the employees of sheetz. They should not have to contend, with what came out of my rear end.The poor bastard mopping the floor would be wise, to wrap his shoes in plastic, so as to prevent any bacteria from my steaming heap from ending up with a call to Dustin Hoffman. No helicopters or biohazards should result from my clump and with these precautions, it is my hope that the store will be able to conduct business as usual.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 04, 2013 03:18PM

I would like to personally thank Gordon79 for sharing his experiences with the maladies of the human digestive system.

While the majority of the population eliminates without fear or distress, many of us that are "Rectally Challenged" are forced to endure absolute horror everytime we feel that rumbling in our rear.

Some, such as gordon79 himself are constantly faced with the challenge of trying to hold back the floodgates. At any time, without warning or enchantment , the bowels open up, causing heartache, embarresment, grief and a hell of a smelly mess.

Others, such as myself , are forever trying in vain for a comfortable, abudant release , only to be disapointed by a pile of rabbit pellets or small , cigar shaped, lady finger like logs , that are expelled only after much pain, burning, grunting, and groaning, followed by endless wiping , with the omni presence of brown on the toilet paper no matter how long and hard we wipe.


As I force feed myself apples by the bushelful, tablespoon upon tablespoon of metimucil, broccolli and baked beans until I bust , I know that my best efforts are in vain.

But Gordon79 posts have created a previously unbeknowst kinship.

Now that I know I'm not alone in my tragic odyssey, I feel better , even as I shit a brick, I have hope.

I am not alone.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ahmayzin ()
Date: April 04, 2013 03:22PM

lmao. No comment, believe it or not.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 04, 2013 03:24PM

Thank you for not making a mockery of my pain.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ahmayzin ()
Date: April 04, 2013 03:36PM

BEH Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thank you for not making a mockery of my pain.


I never thought the day would come when pooping was, work. Then I turned 35. lol.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 03:44PM

You are never alone beh as while our assholes create challenges, one must just go with the flow, knowing that the chocolate starfish has your welfare in mind. I should not have had the gallon of squash, as it led to my taking an unexpected detour in the shoe section at Marshalls. The employees had the audacity to complain about a pair of boots being ruined, but from a cost benefit, its cheaper to throw out Timberland rip offs then to clean the carpets of orange sludge. The new shoe scent provided some olfactory protection, and while customers may have been offended by a grown man bending over in public to drop a load, the signs clearly state management is not responsible. These people need to get a grip, or I might just shit in their Jaguars seats. Leather and fecal matter are like apples and oranges.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ahmayzin ()
Date: April 04, 2013 03:57PM

I think I was around 27 when I discovered I could no longer enjoy dairy products, like I used to. Ben and jerrys....finsihed all of it. An hour later...fuck the trumpet. I was playing one of those old horns they used to blow in midevil (sp?) times. Man oh man. Then a week later I did the old school and ate a giant bowl of cereal. PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!!!!!!!

Then it hit me. I was devastated. I love cheese, ice cream, yogurt and whole milk. It sucks man.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 04:11PM

Amazing have no worry as its about balance but I have to warn you walk carefully around the dairy section.Walk with a light footprint as Colby jack cheese, while it tastes great, can lead to your rectum screaming I am Megatron! You don't want to hear that, and this is even worse in communal John's, such as many of us find at our places of employment. It's perfectly reasonable to call out due to abdominal cramping or constant Lincoln logs running down stream, but most executives don't like to hear Megatron or contend with piles of sung in the IT section, as there's enough shit to deal with already. When in doubt, call out, and be careful with the dairy.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ahmayzin ()
Date: April 04, 2013 04:39PM

LMAO! Hilarious. I don't risk it at work...well...not anymore. I was eating yogurt for a week about 1 months ago. HUGE shitstake..lol. Never again.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 04, 2013 05:03PM

Amazing shitstakes are the worst, especially right before you burst. Then again it does depend on the dung o meter what kind of rock you are going to drop and if it looks like Hershey squirts or lunar rocks. The latter can be painful, leading to contortions of the face that defy physics, and in these cases dairy, yogurt, or cabbage are for the best. Unconventional methods include Eesh and the Fantastic Fister Five Thousand. This hurts like hell and makes the hand with the class ring at the doctors office more bearable, but on the flip side More Completes super glue method isn't a walk around the park either.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ahmayzin ()
Date: April 04, 2013 05:04PM

Zoiks.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 04, 2013 06:22PM

While I suffer greatly from my wrecked rectum, I would never resort to fisting.

Sure, everything would just fall out, but only because someones balled hand is stretching my schphinkter into unnatural, unhuman dimensions.

While the knuckles are knocking , and my prostate is rocking, irreversal damage is being done to my entire ano-recto region.

This may seem old fashioned to you kids out there, but I'm going to find the grand bran, the cream of the beans , something natural, to literally Tsunami my colon.

Only cheaters would resort to enemas, high colonics, cocaine supposotories or....fisting.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ah mad ()
Date: April 04, 2013 09:14PM

Ahmayzin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Zoiks.


images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQiouxtueV_25pZyhfYvb1

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 05, 2013 06:50AM

Mother of all things holy my asshole deserves a condolence card, after breakfast at IHOP. This place should be called IPLOP as the Rooty Tooty Fresh and fruity dribbled out of my ass, like the jugs of syrup on the tables.There was no need for the fisting from eesh or anyone else for that matter, because even Andre the Giant or a football player with multiple rings would run in the other direction. I hope that the host will be able to distract diners, with the tested "there's nothing to see here", escorting people past the large pile of humid biological byproducts. My intestines and rectum are going to need a siesta and its with profound thanks that its not Mexican Monday.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 05, 2013 08:43AM

Bean Queso dip and coffee. There was a disturbance in the voice as of a million voices cried out in terror.The bathroom cleared out quickly as I was able to reach the bowl, but the mashing of teeth and nails on the wall, were heard by all occupants. These people are going to need to see a shrink, because the odor alone is going to be on instant replay, and a biohazard team with full gear may need to scrub down the ol reliable Bemis toilet.The plumbing has been checked, and my rectum and myself, cannot be legally held accountable for any damages.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 05, 2013 08:50AM

You know, my ano-recto specialist really doesn't help much.

He seems more interested in inserting objects of all shapes and sizes into my most private of places, a place surely not designed for the parade of scopes, lights, cameras and thumbs that he his constantly forcing the wrong way up the one way road that is my anus.

If I ask for relief from constipation, or treatment for my inflamed, puss packed , burning hot hemmoroidal tissue, I am immediatly bent over , jacknifed , if you will, and savagely invaded, probably not too much unlike the predetory Huns and Mongols wrecked and pillaged Eastern Europe.

The crisp snap of the rubber gloves, followed by the plop of the vaseline , sends shivers down my spine. This guy goes wrist deep , I can feel every piece of jewelry he wears, rings, a watch, and a quite uncomfortable charm bracelet.

Once, he had to go back in to retrieve his High School Ring, which became stuck in a fissure, and had to be dug out with foreceps the size of an Eagles talon.

I still can't figure out how he can do a digital exam with both hands on my back.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ralph Pootawn ()
Date: April 05, 2013 08:53AM

Gordon79 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Mother of all things holy my asshole deserves a
> condolence card, after breakfast at IHOP. This
> place should be called IPLOP as the Rooty Tooty
> Fresh and fruity dribbled out of my ass, like the
> jugs of syrup on the tables.There was no need for
> the fisting from eesh or anyone else for that
> matter, because even Andre the Giant or a football
> player with multiple rings would run in the other
> direction. I hope that the host will be able to
> distract diners, with the tested "there's nothing
> to see here", escorting people past the large pile
> of humid biological byproducts. My intestines and
> rectum are going to need a siesta and its with
> profound thanks that its not Mexican Monday.


He said IPLOP.
Attachments:
NNNG.jpg

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 05, 2013 08:57AM

That is EXACTLY why you need to go to a Dr that does not use such methods, although eesh and his fister have shown effectiveness in clearing loads per the surgeon general. Your Dr might be trying to provide you relief with the bracelet, think of it as a backstop of sorts, although it will irritate delicate tissues up the tunnel of fudge. Your asshole is very important as it performs a variety of functions, from releasing noxious fumes to letting go of a large sized caramelized onion. Unfortunately its not perfect, because squirts and other less than exemplary defecations can lead to disappointment from many.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 05, 2013 10:38AM

The crap from Chipolte must run through you like a river, becoming a different Chocolate festival then fairfax had last month. I was unable to contain myself, although I did clench my butt cheeks as per the old oy scout try. Failing to work but not failing to launch, I'm afraid to have discovered that boxers cannot hold their own like tighty whities. True the color changes, but for collection purposes, the number 2 option is best.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 05, 2013 11:54AM

DQ, that banana split was appropriately named, as my ass has taken a pounding usually synonymous with combat duty. The mixture of vanilla chocolate and strawberry, there were no Neapolitan qualities to be uncovered. Unfortunately I had to show off my doughy white nudity at the mattress store, and unless you like scratch and sniff, that's not one your going to want. Your significant other will be upset by the aroma that's not amore , and no amount of cleaner can take care of the Brown racing stripes that are on the king set. Now that is a good name for it, as its the same result Elvis had at the end, but I hope to have plenty of shitty days ahead.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 05, 2013 01:53PM

It's bad when the boss gives you your own personal bathroom, with your name on the door. Men women's and yours. The job is shitty enough without this drama, and even though my asshole has o ring failures like the space shuttle,this is embarrassing.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Tough One ()
Date: April 05, 2013 02:32PM

Looks like you've had a shitty day
Attachments:
batshit 2.jpg

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 05, 2013 03:05PM

On the other side of the coin, I also am accommodated at my place of employment.

My Ano-Recto specialist sent my boss a note excusing me from my desk for hours at a time in order for me to be able to try to force out whatever hot steaming brick, log, or pellet I'm able to push out.

Usually, they are dry, hard and large and have caused fissures in my sensitive anal tissue. It is like giving birth to a large baby everytime my stoamach bloats and rumbles from its neccesity to empty itself of waste.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Ralph Pootawn ()
Date: April 05, 2013 03:16PM

Tough One Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Looks like you've had a shitty day


Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 06, 2013 09:43AM

That is why yes, you are correct to surmise that eesh and his patented fister, could do more harm then good. Be sure to avoid cheese and other bowel stopping foods, or ones that can invariably lead to a torn asshole. This is a painful injury, and cause shit problems to only increase in scope. Off to lunch soon and will report on Hard Times Chili and any aftermath events. Hoping no seismic anomalies to reveal itself, but preparing for such a scenario.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 06, 2013 10:57AM

A shame not getting to that chili, as other issues from a fire down below took place, and even Steven Segal couldn't have plugged this one up. French toast and hot chocolate is not the best choice, because you cannot always push it back in as needed. Instead be prepared to drop trow, and have liquid projectiles coming from your rear end, making your presence unpleasant to others. While not fun being a pariah, there are times when your digestive system, leaves you few options.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 07, 2013 10:25AM

Reading the paper at the park, on a nice day like this, us no guarantee that the egg bacon sandwich you had for breakfast, is not ending up as an extra in the sports section. It took effort to hold it in, but the scrambled mess resulting from that meal, is gonna require that park bench to be decontaminated. That's not brown paint my friends but rather a crappy place to sit for a spell, and it could cause you embarrassment at planned social functions. Just a friendly heads up, so as not to spoil your clothing on day off, with remnants that stink to high hell.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 07, 2013 12:06PM

After downing a cheese pizza and cheesy twists, topped off with an ice cream, my asshole needs to be placed on the disabled list. I am literally full of shit, as the sweats and stomach cramps are proof of. I'd be helped by eesh and his fister five thousand, but will try to find a way to unclog the backup.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 07, 2013 02:54PM

Peter Pan was a horrible choice for a late lunch, as I had tentacles and frog legs flying out of my rectum.That toilet is toiling with those items, and there is nothing more disturbing than shitting out creatures with eyes.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 08, 2013 10:07AM

Goodness gracious great balls of fire amigos as the breakfast at Anitas was so muy caliente , that I literally was scratching the stall walls in el bano. This was the neutron bomb, and hot sauce made my face red, veins bulge, and sweat come out profusely straining over the bowl. You might as well put a sombrero on that turd, as its certainly Mexican Monday.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 08, 2013 12:49PM

That will not be done again, listening to Meade Skelton while eating at Tippys, is not a recipe for success. Yes the ambiance at the time seemed appropriate, until the inevitable abdomen pains started up. Firing on all cylinders, I only had a small window of time, to unload contents under pressure. If you plan on a trip to Tippys, the carpet color is a slightly different shade of brown.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 08, 2013 02:58PM

To the person who rides the cab, do not blame the camel jockey for the stench that's putrid and throughout the car. It's a shame that an unexpected delivery arrived. I've been trying to help out my fellow human beings by using charcoal underwear, and adult diapers in extreme cases. Yet the flare ups aren't predictable like the weather. One minute I'm fine, able to hold my own, but for whatever reason my asshole explodes. It's tearing the ass out of me, and I wish I could turn in my rectum, and exchange it for an upgraded model.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 08, 2013 04:10PM

I must confess to the mess, that I had no choice with at the movie theater. It's not my fault. If you show a good movie, and I have to take a dump, pause the movie or get chairs that double as commodes. It's not rocket science, well it sort of is a cross of biology chemistry and physics why humans have to defecate. The life of Brown Eye was simply too good, its sanitizer and rubber gloves time with that chair.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 08, 2013 05:09PM

Mr Hanky is making the rounds!

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 09, 2013 08:56AM

Klondike bars and coffee are a bad way to start the day.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 09, 2013 10:39AM

Taco Bell might as well offer a colon cleaning meal. That is a mess but the bowels are cleared out

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 09, 2013 01:04PM

Oh man oh man the Fortune House tested my gland. Ow my rear end is on fire, asking for extra spicy was not a good culinary decision. Burke residents don't fear as while it looks like an elephant took a crap your town is not a zoo.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 10, 2013 11:49AM

Ow I feel right now as my poor intestines and rectum worked overtime with the block of cheese. Perhaps sharp cheddar wasn't the brightest idea.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 10, 2013 12:35PM

I'm seriously considering changing Ano-Rectal specialists.

For one thing, even after years of treatment I'm still acutely constipated. I went from shitting bricks to cinderblocks, and now my dry, hard to pass stools are the size of Mini Coopers.

And now, the Doctor calls me for an appointment every week! This does not seem appropriate.

My last appoinment , he had on a Tuxedo, really great cologne, and had a bottle of Champagne chilling.

Besides, is a Doctor really supposed to kiss your neck and breathe in your ear while inserting the Anal Scope?

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 10, 2013 01:50PM

You sure your doctor isn't a more suave dressed up version of the mountain man from deliverance? Maybe years of sodomy in the woods, have given him plenty of hands on experience in that delicate cornhole region. Your best bet is Eesh and that fister five thousand of his, or to eat countless bags of dried apricots although it might cause you to shit yourself. Certainly carry a ziploc bag around with extra underwear just in case and some charcoal absorbers.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 10, 2013 03:35PM

Holy toledo my rear end just dropped a deuce of epic proportions. That Thai food tasted good, but laying out a lincoln log on fire, had people running for cover. At first I thought gas bubbles but down below had other plans that could not have been foreseen. The lady who runs this establishment is probably not going to invite me in for seconds.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 11, 2013 10:54AM

Corn shits equate to wads of toilet paper.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: abelard ()
Date: April 11, 2013 12:27PM

You guys need to invest in a washlet:

http://www.amazon.com/SW554-01-Washlet-Elongated-Toilet-Cotton/dp/B0011YSEUC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365697396&sr=8-1&keywords=washlet

Expensive, yes, but you can say goodbye to abrading your nethers. My ass and I have never been on such good terms.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 11, 2013 12:32PM

I use a garden hose, and in emergencies on the road, the nearest fire hydrant.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: abelard ()
Date: April 11, 2013 05:14PM

> I use a garden hose, and in emergencies on the road, the nearest fire hydrant.

That, BEH, sounds less like personal hygiene and more like a social life.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Tough One ()
Date: April 11, 2013 08:35PM

This thread has gone to shit, but when in doubt, whip it out I guess.(Fire hydrant, hose, whatever water supply you can find.)

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 12, 2013 01:17PM

Still a bit cramped up from last nights sushi but am happy abour two books arriving at my doorstep, appropriately from UPS and the big brown trucks. Fun with Feces along with Feces and You are going to be read

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 12, 2013 01:39PM

abelard Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> > I use a garden hose, and in emergencies on the
> road, the nearest fire hydrant.
>
> That, BEH, sounds less like personal hygiene and
> more like a social life.

I suppose it could be both, now that you mention it.
Attachments:
firelady.jpg

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 13, 2013 04:22PM

Like the girls from Harold and Kumars movie I wish that I could play battle shits but alas asteroids is the game I contend with, or colon bowling. The dish at the baked ham was delicious, but those beans at packed with steroid amounts of fiber. I tried to hold it in, side stepping brown capping but it just had to run its course, the proverbial brown rivers dam just couldn't stop the deluge. The levee was not dry but rather I might have to get my asshole checked in for repairs.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 14, 2013 09:41AM

Wasabi nuts were not a good idea. It's a "shell of a way" to spend the morning. Now submitting paperwork to congress for my asshole to get that purple heart, as it has been wounded in action.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 14, 2013 02:34PM

Hindsight being 2020 I should not have eaten the prunes with cabbage.The famous Johnstown Flood might have been horrible, but the Hoover Dam couldn't have held back this brown river of fury.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 15, 2013 11:41AM

You would think your personal relationship with your sphincter would pay dividends. Instead I sit here a sloppy mess, expecting at the very least flowers and a sorry card. You eat safe, playing by the rules, no wonder the term asshole has such negativity associated with it.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 15, 2013 01:00PM

That Dr visit was terrifying. I didn't like the forceps, or what appeared to be a turkey basting device with the flashlight. I don't understand as its 2013, and one would think a ruler and night vision goggles, would provide a doc a good look at ones tunnel of fudge.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Tough One ()
Date: April 15, 2013 01:48PM

Gordon79 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You would think your personal relationship with
> your sphincter would pay dividends. Instead I sit
> here a sloppy mess, expecting at the very least
> flowers and a sorry card. You eat safe, playing by
> the rules, no wonder the term asshole has such
> negativity associated with it.


Yes, an asshole is an asshole is an asshole.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: BEH ()
Date: April 15, 2013 02:12PM

By any other name, it smells just as sweet.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 15, 2013 02:51PM

BEH Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> By any other name, it smells just as sweet.


This is accurate but one must question, why haven't any of our notable inventors, not have made medical equipment less invasive, improved medicines to take care of clogs caused by,blocks of Colby Jack, or rapids of Brown water from beans? One world be wise to wonder about toilet cushions also, because while the rush toils, at least making the abdominal pains and tearing of tissues, a bit more bearable. I should not have to bite down on fan belts whilst taking a shit.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Tough One ()
Date: April 15, 2013 03:15PM

I wish I could give you less crappy advice, but other than a case of food poisoning from a cheap cut of Superfresh steak, I haven't dealt with this kind of issue thankfully. Mylanta or Pepto at least OTC perhaps?

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 15, 2013 04:00PM

Ah the straining and sweat hit the water but it appears the super glue has worked for now. My ass might be in for a good night after all, and less chances for a shit filled water bed.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 16, 2013 07:02AM

Well not to put a damper on things, but that might be my last breakfast at IHOP. To the staff and manager, right now it might look shitty, but think about the promotion opportunity.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 16, 2013 10:58AM

Mediterranean diet sound good? Be careful what you wish for. After eating yogurts and oranges together, my asshole launched a strike of gas and a lincoln log of unbeatable severity.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 16, 2013 11:46AM

I see why Mexicans wear sombreros.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 16, 2013 02:47PM

Milton Hershey is rolling in his grave, as that amount of chocolate from down underneath in the nether regions, is not the sweetest place on earth.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 16, 2013 04:21PM

Those pho places are foul. Contrary to what people in Springfield will think, the pile of shit on Commerce Street, was not left there by a Kentucky ferby winner.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 16, 2013 07:35PM

Well at least I pinched a loaf in the bakery this time

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 17, 2013 09:39AM

I'm thankful to the Panera manager who heard my battle cry, as I strained crying but pushed out a stink sandwich, that some might have called giving birth. To the kind people for holding my hands, for their encouragement I'm profoundly grateful. This is a wonderful community to live in, and the spirit of Fairfax showed this morning.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 17, 2013 11:25AM

That one shall be called the BIG BOPPER!

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 17, 2013 02:57PM

To answer a question, what happens when a grand slam and moons over my Hammy from Dennys reproduce, you end up with a delidinger.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 29, 2013 05:05PM

Lo siento Tippys, as my intestines couldn't hold on, to the brown splatter inside. That's where it belongedbut alas you cannot win all battles. Batting 300 for the Nats is great, but with regards to fecal matters, this is approaching the Mendoza line. Those burritos and tacos madey stomach churn.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: nom ()
Date: April 29, 2013 05:11PM

.
Attachments:
shit-icecream.jpg

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: KPoo ()
Date: April 29, 2013 05:41PM

417806_164888187008370_612924392_n.jpg

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 30, 2013 10:35AM

Good golly miss Molly eesh and his shit stomping fister 5000 is needed. My asshole does in fact deserve a purple heart medal, after the explosive entrails caused by the bagels with salmon this morning. There should be a warning on the salmon spread, because I was left quivering on the bowl with a never ending stream of brown matter. Now looking for an industrial grade hefty bag.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: April 30, 2013 03:21PM

And people seventy years later complain about Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They should have witnessed the mushroom cloud at the Golden Corral, aka the Brown Corral. It's going to be thousands of years before its safe ro go there again, it looks like Chernobyl for fucks sake.

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: May 01, 2013 11:01AM

The San Andreas Fault has just been cracked as that block of cheddar should have known better

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: May 02, 2013 12:48PM

Even rabbits could do better than those pellets

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Re: Shit Issues
Posted by: Gordon79 ()
Date: May 03, 2013 07:24AM

Ah behold the porcelain throne, as Bemis company gets a royal flush

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