Hello Fairfax Underground,
My name is Thomas Sadler, and I am a mentally ill, unstable young man. I have come here to apologize for my actions, and I want to let you all know that I am reforming my actions tonight. I will fix everything that I have done to everyone by taking a shot of bleach for each time that I have posted on here. I will chase it down with a cup of scrubbing bubbles, and I will have OxyClean for dessert. I have already ingested several tide pods, and I am already starting to feel the high of them circulating through my veins…..tingling down deep into my toes. Let’s start with some history on the matter at hand: my mental retardation.
I was diagnosed with asperger’s disease at young age, even before I had come out of the womb. The doctors knew there was something wrong with me, but my mom was so big due to my oversized, oafish body that they couldn’t just abort me. Trust me, she tried to abort me. That’s part of the reason I can only do math on a 5th grade level. It’s true. I will never graduate because of that whore. I simply cannot count to potato! I don’t know what happened. After this, I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and ADHD. How does someone become diagnosed with so many mental illnesses? Beats me.
It just so happened that a lot of them didn’t come out until my daddy was tased to death by the police. Then, an angel from god came to me in my sleep (perhaps it was my own father, Jeff Sadler). He told me that I would become a defect to society. He told me to be the biggest fuck up I could and never have any consideration for another person. I follow this model that the schizophrenic angel of death gave me.
After this, I decided to do some fake drugs (not OxyClean, which I do only exclusively now). I started smoking cigarettes. Then, I started skipping school to go screw with underage girls in the ladies restroom at Target. That was where I picked up my first STD. I realized it by the gaping holes surrounding my genitals and overflowing with puss. They characterized this STD as: Herpes. I’d never heard of it before, but man, it made the girls not want to come within 15 feet of me. I am not sure if it was that or the fact that I am over 300lbs.
Next, I was sent to a juvenile detention center. Part of being a very bad person, was to not have any consideration for other people. I decided to beat up my 86yo (at the time) grandfather. It felt good to take my aggressions out on an elderly man who could barely stand. Pushing him down, spitting on him, and laughing in his face made me feel like I was powerful for once. I now realize the error of my ways.
I almost got charged as a sexual predator once because I whipped my dick out in public. I always used to do that as a kid, but I never got in any trouble because it was accepted for a little boy to run around with his dick out. Most recently, I showed it to a 5th grade girl, hoping her mom and dad had given her the talk. I love it when moms and dads give their daughters the talk. It gives me a free entryway into their small, virgin vaginas. I didn’t mean to say that. No one was supposed to know. Forget that I said that. But this 11 year old girl had the talk, and she was curious about my dingling. I had her touch it and her parents came in the house. Oh man, were they mad. I swear my fat has never jiggled so much as when I sprinted from their house and into a bush. I got
some prickley spines in my weewee, but at least the police didn’t catch me!
Well, I am writing this to inform you all that I will change. I tried to kill myself tonight by repeatedly banging my head against a wall to give myself brain damage. The reason it didn’t work was because the physicians found that there was no brain inside my head to damage. Therefore, I am writing to you from Prince William County Hospital in hopes that you will hear my plea.
The physicians here have deemed that I am a menace to society, and they have decided to publicly execute me. My public execution will be Monday, March 12th, at 2:00PM EST.
If you would like to RSVP, please call the main hospital number. If you would like to attend my execution ceremony, where the world is rid of psycho Thomas, feel free to come by at 2PM. Everyone is invited. I must atone for my sins now. Let us pray.
PS: Here is the address and phone number of the hospital where I will soon be executed.
8700 Sudley Rd, Manassas, VA 20110