Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by:
Fieri Fan Club Prez
()
Date: April 06, 2013 10:06PM
Well, I would love to share some straight from the pages of the bass solo master himself however Guy had other plans for us when he publishes his cookbooks. On one of those lazy driving around aimlessly days some of us in the Northern VA area have on occasion I found myself near Border's Books and Music in Manassas. Having nothing better to do I shuffled my way in and began browsing the cookbook area (as there were no attractive women in the "Self Help" or "Body Image Issues" aisle) for something Gordon Ramsay-ish. Noticing that the store was getting more crowded by the minute (and having no patience for waiting in lines around here anymore) I decided to grab a few books that looked appealing and then dive for the registers before the general public all decided to check out at the same time....as they are FAMOUS for doing around here. With visions of spending the evening creating works of art in the kitchen I took off and headed straight home so I could research what I needed to try my hand at some exotic Southwest dishes.
I started with the Bobby Flay "Bold American Food" which was pretty standard cookbook-fare with regards to format, but had tasteful pictures of various ingredients and little pop-up style blurbs covering home-kitchen tips. Next up was Ramsay's "Healthy Appetite" which followed a similar format but was a larger sized-book with larger and more detailed pictures. It had pictures of sliced Salmon with the slashes in the flesh filled with sliced garlic and fresh herbs, then the whole tray was drizzled with olive oil and cracked black pepper. Both of these books made me want to never leave my kitchen again and the clarity and quality of the tastefully done pictures also gave me hope that I could use my meals as a starting point to make myself a better person overall.
Then everything changed.
For starters the cover of Guy Fieri's "Tequila-Peach Hard Rockin' Lemon-Bomb Railway Express Ticket to Smoked Brisketville" is promising to the untrained eye, but a seasoned expert should know better than to blindly pay for this textbook of sadness without flipping through it first. The cover is set against a matte-black backdrop and features a 1950 white Chevrolet Mercury with red and orange flames and the hood and front quarter panels, and polished chrome wheels inside of white wall tires. Guy is hanging out of the driver's window with a shirt that exactly matches the car's unfortunate paint job (of course) complete with matching white-framed purple lens sunglasses, and is throwing up the devil-sign of rock with his left hand. What follows is essentially more of the same as page after page reveals Guy in a different classic muscle car and he always seems to be just barely in control but loving every distortion-soaked-D-chord minute of it. On every other page there is what appears to be some kind of recipe, but upon closer inspection it is simply a list of the "author's" favorite ingredients that generally have no connection to each other. Page 26 is a gem worth noting because it serves as a glimpse into who this man actually believes he is. The setting is supposed to resemble a gas station from what I can only guess is turn of the century New Orleans at midnight. Just off center there is a minivan with Utah plates being pumped full of gas by a man in a sweater vest with his wife and kids waiting patiently inside the vehicle, all wearing seatbelts and appearing to be well behaved. Then, lying on the roof of a candy red 1966 Shelby Cobra which has a Les Paul Sunburst finish electric guitar airbrushed on the hood, is yet another intensely-postured Guy Fieri. He is wearing sunglasses with hot pink frames, a black tattoo artist silk shirt with gold and red stars throughout, and apparently screaming at the camera as if to hit that mid 1980's high pitched hairband bad boy note nobody ever wants to hear again. In the corner of this mural of extreme rebel hard rock craziness is the most retarded recipe for guacamole you will ever read.
The last page of this $39.95 error is simply a picture from behind of Guy (with his sunglasses being work backwards on his neck) walking out of a cellar-style door which is setup to look like the lead signer of the winning band in a local battle of the bands contest leaving for the night. Even Harry Connick Jr, who fancies himself a black jazz musician from the slums of Louisiana isn't this delusional. All in all you get 43 heavily glossed pages of Guy standing in, leaning on, posing with, and hanging out of several classic muscle cars nobody cares about and at all times wearing the entire inventory of Hot Topic's 2001 summer catalog. Hidden deep within these lost scrolls are no less than 11 recipes which include (but are not limited to);
Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge-cake with bourbon vanilla sweet cheese glazed sliced strawberry mash attack.
Monsters of Rockfish with mezcal marinated chipotle plus grilled jalapeno million watt cream sauce and an angel hair encore.
Bubbly lobster and pepperjack queso melt drizzled over free-range quail and bison chili, served with guitar pick shaped butter crackers.
Smoked garlic and Sunkist marinated Porterhouse grilled to order on the engine of a 1973 Dodge Charger with a sour cream and whole milk potato mash topped with a roasted shallot 89' farewell tour jus.
And of course, a recipe for guacamole so retarded that I'm insulted I ever read it. And I'm not talking the high-functioning "he's as much a part of this family as anyone else" retarded.......more like the "men in an armored safari SUV with super-charged cattle prods and high-powered tranquilizer dart cannons are chasing my child down the street in hopes we don't have to have the local military airbase launch a fleet of AH-64 Apache Attack Helicopters to bring him down before he gets another taste for blood" retarded.