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Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 01, 2013 09:51PM

I just wanted to start a thread about the most awesome and edgy TV host since the invention of electricity. His Papa Roach fan hair style and shirt with flames goes perfectly with those Risky Business sunglasses and the seemingly endless row of bracelets. This man is not a chef, he is a statement and a Stryper-roadie dose of extreme attitude!

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 01, 2013 09:56PM

I can't take it anymore, he has to die.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Nova Bloggggerrrr ()
Date: April 02, 2013 03:50PM

I remember Risky Buisness, I love his show.. He doesnt look like Tom Cruise at all, nor am i able to order anything he eats in any of the places he's been to in Falls Church or D.C.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Guy Fan ()
Date: April 02, 2013 04:19PM

Guy really knows how to explain the 'fun' in where he goes and what he's eating.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: pwc nation ()
Date: April 02, 2013 05:25PM

Do you think Guy will be blessed with the opportunity to do a show from the Potomac Mills food court..

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 03, 2013 11:17AM

I don't think the Guy-ster is legally allowed to come within 500 feet of the Potomac Mills food court anymore. Back in 2010 I was there enjoying a plate of Chinese chicken when I looked up to see some strange man with a bleached Papa Roach fan hairstyle and fire printed on his shirt ordering from the McDonald's counter. Out of nowhere he became irate and began tearing into the poor hispanic girl at the register before turning around and throwing 2 sweet and sour sauce packets at the pregnant woman behind him in line, cutting her above the eyebrow. I recognized him instantly, it was Guy!! Then he stormed out of the food court waving his hands in the air like a crazy person and I watched as he drop-kicked a homeless man in the chest who was just sitting outside the doors minding his own business and enjoying the weather. As the homeless victim was sputtering and choking on his own lung material, Guy hopped into a classic red Chevelle and peeled out almost mowing down an Asian family on his way out.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 03, 2013 02:17PM

And back in the spring of 2009 I had stopped off of I-95 in southern CT to grab a bite at a diner I frequent when in the area. It is a quaint, family-owned Italian spot with the best menu you could ask for outside of ye ol' country. As I walked in to the pizza deli section on my way to the restaurant out back I passed Guy who looked like he hadn't slept in 2 weeks. His dead, sunken eyes were trained on the poor dishwasher behind the pick-up counter and I saw the veins in his neck pulsating with rage. No knowing the cause nor wanting to get involved I opted to walk around the booths the long way to avoid being within striking distance. As I turned the last corner I heard him scream (louder than anything I had heard before) something about "zipperheads" and "alimony fraud" before the shocking sound of shattering glass hit me. Apparently Guy is not fond of using doorways when he becomes upset and prefers to throw a child's booster seat through the glass wall of the pizza deli sunroom to use as his exit. I heard children crying and saw women hiding in the back but based on my encounters with Guy this is par for the course.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Nova Bloggggerrrr ()
Date: April 03, 2013 05:20PM

when you go back and watch the shows where the entire family is in the episode, his wife never really does look into the camera for to long. that might be the course your talking about.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Another Guy Fan ()
Date: April 03, 2013 06:10PM

What is this site. Guy Fieri is coming to woodbridge??

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 04, 2013 11:57AM

I'm not certain Guy will re-appear in Woodbridge again, at least not anytime this decade. The closest he MIGHT come is King's Dominion but even that is a shaky proposition given what happened last time he was there. I think the Food Network was trying to film yet another drama-filled cookoff challenge show in the same tired format they have been using for 10 years now. Only this time it is sort of an Iron Chef/Carnival kiosk theme. The contestants had 40 minutes to whip up something simple that would then be submitted to a 3 judge panel (again, the same old tired format) one of which would just have to be gay and sassy. Well Guy wasn't about to pass up a chance to show off those famous people skills that make him such a wonderful human being behind the cameras. During a break in filming episodes he ran over to The Scrambler and didn't think twice before jumping on and taking the seat closest to the outside of the car he was in. Keeping in mind that all morning Guy had been pouring sour apple extreme explosion margarita bombs down his throat. In typical average dude fashion, Guy refused to get off the ride when it was over and instead chose to throw a mantrum when asked so the high school kid that pushes the start button just let him ride a few more times. I was waiting in line this entire time working on finishing what was left of my cotton candy before I was abler to get on. Out of nowhere I heard a sound that I can only compare to what happens when you throw a bucket of water onto a driveway and the soundwave cracks and then you hear the water spread across the surface. I whipped around just in time to see Guy launch a stream of Mountain Dew colored fluid from his throat and (due to the swirling motion of the ride he was on) proceed to paint the entire outer circle of the waiting area as the Scrambler spun and spun. The horrified look on everyone's faces was either missed, ignored, or didn't even register at Guy because he casually got off the ride and began making his way to the exit mumbling something about "transvestites" and "The Best Western Continental Breakfast Bar". As he made his way past me Guy had one last parting gift for those of us waiting on the North end of the ride to get on. He turned and projectile-vomited an even more orange-ish colored liquid all over my shirt and splattered the people waiting in line next to me. With my cotton candy now ruined and my nipples clearly sticking through my shirt (looking as if someone had hit me square in the chest with a fire hose), Guy looked at me and grabbed the stick which had formely held the last of my cotton candy, and threw it on the ground in front of me. His eyes were glazed over and you could tell they were desperately trying to focus but to no avail. Having been in line for 20 minutes at that point in the hot, humid summer evening we were quite disappointed when the loudspeaker announced that the ride was closed for the day, and for us to enjoy our stay here at Paramount's King's Dominion.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 04, 2013 03:00PM

wooo keep going.

tell us about the first time you met him as fan club pres.

i heard that was a good one.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 04, 2013 05:31PM

Well, I've never actually "met" him as such. However I seem to be in the general vicinity an awful lot when he is in town. As luck would have it the first time I actually saw Guy in person was at the Panda Express in Fairfax off Rte 29 (across from Anita's and what used to be Tweeters). I had just driven back from visiting family up in CT and wanted to grab something to eat real quick (obviously not caring where I got food from at that point), and so I pulled into the parking lot and stumbled into Panda Express. Now keeping in mind I had just spent the better part of 7.5 hours staring at the road(s) in front of me and rocking out to Type O Negative and Clutch, so needless to say my awareness wasn't what it should have been. I come in, and struggling to focus my eyes on the menu I suddenly hear a man speaking from behind me in what seemed to be my general direction. After not paying attention to what he was saying for a few seconds he finally leaned in and said "hey buddy, what the f(#k? I'm pouring my soul out to you here, try to pay attention."

I tried to humor him even though in all honesty I had never seen him before and the hair, and jewlery, and just his whole thing was appalling. So when it came time for me to order I told the man I wanted whatever chicken dish he could heat up and scrape onto a plate, and proceeded to pretend to listen to this crazy man from a 1997 music video ramble on about kids and life and relationships. When my order was finally ready I began inching closer to the exit and it became clear to me that whatever Guy was talking about had been making him increasingly angrier with each passing minute. By the time I was able to get some plastic forks and napkins he had raised his voice to sportsbar levels and was pointing across the road at Anita's restaurant. What followed was a casserole of hatred where he identified every country in South America and accused each of them of a particular evil practice he obviously did not agree with. Ultimately the bulk of his vitriol seemed trained on El Salvadorians and "their Japanese masters" (which made no sense to me at the time). 4 minutes of dialogue I wouldn't dare publish on a public forum later, he had stuck his head under the soda fountain and was quenching himself with what I estimate to be 1.3 liters of Mellow Yellow which was consumed in under 10 seconds. Guy tilted back his head and began beating himself on the chest with his right arm while pointing at me with the left, as if to signal that he expected me to be on the front lines as a loyal soldier in the coming race war. I had left at this point and caught a glance of the inside of Guy's Chevelle on the way out. There were 3 knives and a roadmap of El Paso and Bangor, Maine in the backseat. As I pulled away I could clearly see him screaming and making stabbing motions with his hands at the terrified employees behind the counter, and he had grabbed the cardboard display of a Panda serving up Kun Pao Chicken and was pretending to rape it from behind.

Thus began a magical chapter in my life where this incredibly talented and original personality would make cameo appearances at the worst possible time.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: pwc nation ()
Date: April 04, 2013 06:32PM

I dont think those kids he has on the show every once in a while are really his.. If i remember corretly his real kids ran away from home when they were somewhere around the age of 8 and 10.. The 10 year old questioned the choice to name a nacho platter the "Out Of Sight, Destruction Of Boring Nachos" nachos.. when that happened he chased everyone around the house with a knife...

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 04, 2013 06:51PM

when was he spotted next?

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 04, 2013 11:32PM

I did catch a brief glimpse of Guy in the fall of 2007 as he was being thrown up against a dumpster and repeatedly gut-punched by the hourly security guards at the Hyatt by Reagan National Airport. Apparently the hotel was hosting an annual tattoo convention and Guy just could not bear the thought of not being the star attraction despite not having any real tattoos himself. So fueled by a responsible combination of no self esteem and bottom-shelf schnapps, Guy proceeded to try and push his way into the convention by skipping the check-in table. And as the security camera footage will tell you, hotel security (while only a whisper above mall security) is a little more difficult to shake off than the high school girl hostess at Macaroni Grill. Lord Fieri (praise his name) put up the best fight he could muster but was still dragged down to the dumpsters via the freight elevator where the old Peruvian security guards took turns kicking him in both knees. Numb and functionless below the thighs, Guy was then held up against the recycling dumpster while little brown fists crashed into his abdomen repeatedly. Once the blonde streak in his goatee was stained red and his shirt was soaked with actual blood, they let him fall to the pavement with a marvelous crash that split his orbital bone upon impact.

Rumor has it that after a few hours of being face-down on the bacteria laden blacktop, he picked himself up and made his way over to Legal Sea Foods a few blocks north. The hostess stand must have been empty as Guy was supposed to have made it to the bar, and after spending 3 intense minutes arguing with the bartender (who, as the story goes, did not know how to make a "Frozen Strawberry Bourbon Fizzy Drum Solo Smash-a-rita" which sent Guy into a fury) he was finally approached by management and ordered to leave. Apparently on his way out the door Guy scolded the staff for not having the vision to add any real "pizaz" to the menu such as the "Fukushima Extreme Melty Cheese Tower with Devil Dipping Croutons" or the "BBQ Cornflake and Rock-out Sausage Soup with a dash of 2000 Watt Extreme Cream." Then as he made his way down the street he was screaming something about "the best crabcakes come from the shores of Colorado" and that you can "beat me all you want, I still refuse to be a dad to my kids." I'd like to think that our friend learned something about himself that day, but when you hear that later that night he was visibly intoxicated beyond civil limits and chasing off-duty Taxi drivers around local gas stations it became clear that it was only a matter of time before we would see Guy again.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 05, 2013 01:22AM

that sounds like the guy i know.

tell us again about the 2011 fieri world tour you followed him on.

and feel free to share any other celebrity accounts you have.

this has all been very fascinating



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2013 01:23AM by localboob.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 05, 2013 01:59PM

Again, I wasn't actively "following" Guy at any point in time here. Mr. Radical Intensity just happened to pop up here and there, and often at the worst possible time in my life to that point. Without going into details, failed relationships, personal shortcomings, financial strife, all hit at the same time and just when I think I'll have a blessed hour of peace.....here comes Guy. I did hear rumors of a world tour a couple years back but I didn't think his level of fame warranted a show at the Nissan Pavillion. But at about 2:37pm on a Wednesday I was filling up at the Sheetz Gas Station near Marshall, VA. As my car was filling I stepped inside to order one of their made-to-order hamburgers and noticed a commotion taking place at the soda fountain across the store. It looked as though there were 4-5 people in an argument with one of them leaning over the fountain itself. As I closed in to use the touch-screen order menu I glanced over and saw our hero leaning in close to a teenage Puerto Rican girl and he kept aggressively poking his finger into her left breast as if to make a point. He was yelling something about "trucker etiquette" and "hormonal imbalance fetishes" but had the largest size cup Sheetz offers. Knowing better than to take an interest in what was going on I paid for my burger and waited patiently over by the Tastykake display. As best I can figure, through a breath heavy with menthol smoke and cheap schnapps, Guy was demanding that these poor kids (who wanted nothing more than to get a couple sodas and move on with their day) learn how to make his patented "Fruity Coke Snickers Mixin' Jam Session Soda Bomb". This latest discovery of his involved taking a cup, filling it a quarter-full of crushed ice, then mixing Coca Cola with Hawaiian Punch and Fanta Orange soda, a little more ice, and then dropping a King-Size Snickers bar in deep. Guy then proceeded to make sure everyone understood what he had just done for them before grabbing a bag of Utz potato chips and violently throwing the entire cup in the trash. As I sat in my car enjoying my burger and thankful that I escaped another episode I watched as Guy walked off and shot the double finger-pistols at some passing cars.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: dennishopper ()
Date: April 05, 2013 05:40PM

Hunter and Ryder... Why!!!!!

Are these kids able to look their mother in the eye..

How bad are the ass beatings in school??

Who can really be proud of a guy that names chicken fingers, the Extreme Straight

Pipe Blasters...... With the nitro sauce..

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: dennishopper ()
Date: April 05, 2013 06:04PM

Wait.. wasnt there something about a customer in one of his "Fridays rip-off" resturants that saw him push around and slap around a bus boy or something like that... Guy was screaming at this bus boy or whatever he was, telling him what a stupid, worthless spic he was because he was having some trouble keeping up with the 19 hour days.. The customer was blown away that this was guy saying this.... Guy was yelling so hard and loud that spit was flying out of his mouth, screaming something like "Grab that mop and clean the F%$King floors or im going to throw your whole family back over the god damn border"...... WOW!!!!!!

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 05, 2013 06:46PM

My uncle knew this guy who was roommates with Guy and shared an apartment with him back in the 80's. He said he never met anybody since who could turn an empty bottle of Midori into a 4 chambered gravity bong. He said Guy would spend most of his days laid up in his room playing air guitar with the windows and shades open in full view of the tennis court. And when it came time to cook a meal, he was absolutely lost but kept referencing a Pat Benatar album while the oven filled with an unfortunate scent. He also said Guy was easily angered when someone would mention Sammy Hagar's desire to open up his own tequila-inspired restaurant. Lead guitarist Fieri would always scream about how nobody truly understood how rock and roll could be applied to a proper plate of nacho meat filled egg rolls. Another one of his wonderfully thought out ideas was to boil spinach in a bath of equal parts Dr Pepper and bong water with a dash of cumin, and serve it up blended with room-temp cream cheese and basil. This marvelous dish would be eaten through a straw provided that Rush was blaring in the background.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 06, 2013 12:06PM

that last dish sounds pretty good, but i think i ran out of bong water the other week


what were some more recipes?

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 06, 2013 10:06PM

Well, I would love to share some straight from the pages of the bass solo master himself however Guy had other plans for us when he publishes his cookbooks. On one of those lazy driving around aimlessly days some of us in the Northern VA area have on occasion I found myself near Border's Books and Music in Manassas. Having nothing better to do I shuffled my way in and began browsing the cookbook area (as there were no attractive women in the "Self Help" or "Body Image Issues" aisle) for something Gordon Ramsay-ish. Noticing that the store was getting more crowded by the minute (and having no patience for waiting in lines around here anymore) I decided to grab a few books that looked appealing and then dive for the registers before the general public all decided to check out at the same time....as they are FAMOUS for doing around here. With visions of spending the evening creating works of art in the kitchen I took off and headed straight home so I could research what I needed to try my hand at some exotic Southwest dishes.

I started with the Bobby Flay "Bold American Food" which was pretty standard cookbook-fare with regards to format, but had tasteful pictures of various ingredients and little pop-up style blurbs covering home-kitchen tips. Next up was Ramsay's "Healthy Appetite" which followed a similar format but was a larger sized-book with larger and more detailed pictures. It had pictures of sliced Salmon with the slashes in the flesh filled with sliced garlic and fresh herbs, then the whole tray was drizzled with olive oil and cracked black pepper. Both of these books made me want to never leave my kitchen again and the clarity and quality of the tastefully done pictures also gave me hope that I could use my meals as a starting point to make myself a better person overall.

Then everything changed.

For starters the cover of Guy Fieri's "Tequila-Peach Hard Rockin' Lemon-Bomb Railway Express Ticket to Smoked Brisketville" is promising to the untrained eye, but a seasoned expert should know better than to blindly pay for this textbook of sadness without flipping through it first. The cover is set against a matte-black backdrop and features a 1950 white Chevrolet Mercury with red and orange flames and the hood and front quarter panels, and polished chrome wheels inside of white wall tires. Guy is hanging out of the driver's window with a shirt that exactly matches the car's unfortunate paint job (of course) complete with matching white-framed purple lens sunglasses, and is throwing up the devil-sign of rock with his left hand. What follows is essentially more of the same as page after page reveals Guy in a different classic muscle car and he always seems to be just barely in control but loving every distortion-soaked-D-chord minute of it. On every other page there is what appears to be some kind of recipe, but upon closer inspection it is simply a list of the "author's" favorite ingredients that generally have no connection to each other. Page 26 is a gem worth noting because it serves as a glimpse into who this man actually believes he is. The setting is supposed to resemble a gas station from what I can only guess is turn of the century New Orleans at midnight. Just off center there is a minivan with Utah plates being pumped full of gas by a man in a sweater vest with his wife and kids waiting patiently inside the vehicle, all wearing seatbelts and appearing to be well behaved. Then, lying on the roof of a candy red 1966 Shelby Cobra which has a Les Paul Sunburst finish electric guitar airbrushed on the hood, is yet another intensely-postured Guy Fieri. He is wearing sunglasses with hot pink frames, a black tattoo artist silk shirt with gold and red stars throughout, and apparently screaming at the camera as if to hit that mid 1980's high pitched hairband bad boy note nobody ever wants to hear again. In the corner of this mural of extreme rebel hard rock craziness is the most retarded recipe for guacamole you will ever read.

The last page of this $39.95 error is simply a picture from behind of Guy (with his sunglasses being work backwards on his neck) walking out of a cellar-style door which is setup to look like the lead signer of the winning band in a local battle of the bands contest leaving for the night. Even Harry Connick Jr, who fancies himself a black jazz musician from the slums of Louisiana isn't this delusional. All in all you get 43 heavily glossed pages of Guy standing in, leaning on, posing with, and hanging out of several classic muscle cars nobody cares about and at all times wearing the entire inventory of Hot Topic's 2001 summer catalog. Hidden deep within these lost scrolls are no less than 11 recipes which include (but are not limited to);

Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge-cake with bourbon vanilla sweet cheese glazed sliced strawberry mash attack.

Monsters of Rockfish with mezcal marinated chipotle plus grilled jalapeno million watt cream sauce and an angel hair encore.

Bubbly lobster and pepperjack queso melt drizzled over free-range quail and bison chili, served with guitar pick shaped butter crackers.

Smoked garlic and Sunkist marinated Porterhouse grilled to order on the engine of a 1973 Dodge Charger with a sour cream and whole milk potato mash topped with a roasted shallot 89' farewell tour jus.

And of course, a recipe for guacamole so retarded that I'm insulted I ever read it. And I'm not talking the high-functioning "he's as much a part of this family as anyone else" retarded.......more like the "men in an armored safari SUV with super-charged cattle prods and high-powered tranquilizer dart cannons are chasing my child down the street in hopes we don't have to have the local military airbase launch a fleet of AH-64 Apache Attack Helicopters to bring him down before he gets another taste for blood" retarded.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: dennishopper ()
Date: April 06, 2013 11:52PM

Nothing beats the 1975 Sting Ray pork-fat reduction, flavortown fried mushroom tips.. Guaranteed to make your children hate you..

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 07, 2013 02:53PM

didn't you used to tell a story about Guy in the fairfax county courthouse or jail or something?

i can't remember it quite right

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Fieri Fan Club Prez ()
Date: April 07, 2013 04:00PM

Ah yes, you must be referring to a side-effect of Fieri's "Summer of Lovin' Cornmeal-Cayenne Dusted Shrimpcake & Whiskey Infused Pan Drip Grits and Gravy Neighborhood Open Mic Spinach Slaw Tour 2009." The details are sketchy at best but what is known is that Guy was knockin' back an irresponsible quantity of dark rum one summer afternoon at Ragtime in Arlington after a long 5 hours of filming in DC. Eyewitness accounts vary but a similar theme was that Guy somehow either left or (more likely) was ejected from the premises and began stumbling up the street past the Arlington County Courthouse. He was mumbling something that sounded like Foghat lyrics and then he leaned over to grab a large rock off the ground. The rebel yell posterboy then walked up to an Arlington County Police cruiser and threw the rock right through the backseat passenger window, shattering it with a loud echo that rang out and grabbed the attention of 4 cops who were standing around the corner. Guy saw them running towards him and threw up both middle fingers as they crossed the street, and he then attempted to run but those legs just weren't cooperating. After being slide tackled 3 times over, Guy was cuffed and led into the courthouse lobby looking confused and very sleepy.

As legend has it, while Guy was "drying out" in one of the cells by himself he would constantly be asking the guards on duty what kind of béchamel base they preferred for a "Zippy Old Time Vodka and Cream Farfalle Bourbon Street Blues Crabcake Opening Set Three Wolf Moon Pasta-tizer." Fieri also claimed to be in possession of a secret club sandwich recipe that would get an average "cheap set" fan "so incredibly laid it should be a felony in 6 countries." Now most people who are in the drunk tank to dry out eventually sober up a bit as time goes on, but Guy seemed to become more and more intoxicated as he rattled off everything from obnoxious Creole-Japanese fusion ideas to stories of the worst bar shifts he'd ever had. Guy would also take his tattoo-artist shirt off and use is as a guitar while he pretended to play Boston's "More than a feeling" over and over again but changing some of the lyrics to include things he needed to buy next week to make " Mom's never leave me alone about my appearance mac and cheese sandwiches with Skid Row poster-inspired tomato basil 18 and Life soup." After 7.5 exhausting hours the cops called a Red-Top cab to come grab Fieri and take him to whatever hotel he was staying in. Since there is no "Hard Rock Café and Vegas Hotel" in Arlington (as Guy kept insisting that was where he was staying), they sent him to the Key Bridge Marriott in hopes that if Guy chose to venture out again he would head straight for Georgetown.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 07, 2013 06:29PM

weren't you staying in the key bridge marriot that night?

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Re: Guy Fieri
Date: April 08, 2013 12:21AM

Not that night, but I believe you may be referring to the "Breezeway" incident from the fall of 2011. Really not much to tell in all honesty, but somehow Guy got it in his head that Alton Brown was "after" him and he would NOT let this go. I had some friends in town for the weekend who were staying at the Hampton Inn across the street in Fairfax City. While waiting for them in the parking lot I kept seeing the master-of-grilled-dragon-meat-and-guitar-solo-mojito-chasers run back and forth between the Hampton Inn lobby and the Breezeway Motel across the street with a briefcase that was barely able to close. Guy just darted out into the road without looking or even apparently caring but had an incredibly panicked look on his face. Now he was, of course, wearing Jnco-style jean shorts that came down to his ankles, white Nike shoes, a black wifebeater, and what must have been 11 pounds of oversized chain-link bracelets and necklaces.

So a week later I got the inside story from a cop buddy of mine who works for Fairfax City in that particular district. Guy had purchased a room in his name at the Hampton Inn but was paying for another room at the Breezeway Motel in cash under an "assumed" name. I say "assumed" because anybody who wanted to know which room he was in would easily recognize him from the false name he provided; "Ronnie James Dio From Canada." Well, Mr. Dio had been spending several nights drinking the hours away at Fast Eddie's down the road and had invited a couple folks back to his "suite" after the bar closed. When these poor folks walked in they were greeted with a room that was destroyed even by Breezeway standards. The mattress and frame were in different corners of the room, clothes and napkins were everywhere and the entire room was lit by one candle resting on the TV which had moved into the doorway of the bathroom. The walls were spray-painted in glitter red letters that read "NO ALTON, NO MORE" and the letters "AB" with a slash through them. Then in the corner of the room there were the names of 33 different vegetables and "NOT GOOD, NEVER GOOD ENOUGH" written across the top of the list.

Nobody knows for certain how Guy got it in his head that Alton was after him, but amphetamines combined with 23 years of lemon-drop shooter abuse can melt a man's sanity forever. The whole thing probably started when Alton gave Guy's dish a 98.5 when everyone else on the 3-judge panel (which is not at all a tired format) gave him a 99.25 during his introduction to the Food Network in 2006.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 08, 2013 06:25PM

so he blamed the vegetables for his poor score from alton?

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: pwc nation ()
Date: April 08, 2013 07:49PM

I heard Guy wanted to do the "Throwdown" show first.. Guy was going to have the show in the same WWF format with entrance music and live blow for blow action. Bobby Flay got a hold of the Food Network big wigs first.. Bobby Flay down played the entrance music, the three judge panel (like you say total B.S) the sun glasses, the stupid shirts and horrible hair dyes....... Guy was beside himself with Atomic-nitro-One way ticket to Flavortown-Express-SanFransico Bar-B-Q recipes, what would he do with all of that knowledge and Christmas lighting.... Guy went insane... The Carmero, the Resturants, the traveling, anything to get him out of the studios of the food network... Gida, or what ever her name is had to get another restraining order on big Mr. F.... And so Triple D was born..

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Re: Guy Fieri
Date: April 08, 2013 08:37PM

Well I think the vegetable message was more just his demonstrably uncontrollable attention defect let loose. Legend dictates that Alton was overheard telling Mario Batali that if an off-strip budget Vegas casino raped the to-go menu from Planet Hollywood and was forced to give birth crawling between a Sunglass Hut and Sam Goody's, then you would have produced one Guy Fieri. This enraged Guy so much that he over-sautéed the garlic in a Dr. Feelgood-inspired side dish which was supposed to accompany the "Brian Bosworth Farm Veal Cutlet with Gaza Strip Market Vegetables" (which is simply a veal steak that was caged, chased, caught and killed at the hands of a drug cartel hired enforcer). This ended up costing him the .75 points he needed to advance to the next level in the contest and thus began a downslide that we have only begun to uncover in this little-known forum.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 09, 2013 01:34PM

so that's how all this started?

what made it escalate so quickly?

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Nova Bloggggerrrr ()
Date: April 09, 2013 04:32PM

I'll take this one... The panel, its all about that retarded Three judge panel, every stupid holiday i have to take the family down south, and it doesnt matter what house i start with.. It doesnt matter if its my mother, grandmother aunts (of course the females) these shows are BLASTING, and there still blown away by it..... On to the breezeway, and the 6 hour block purchesing of porn.... Hold the F14 Tomcat...

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: dennishopper ()
Date: April 09, 2013 06:14PM

It's not the just the presence of the "Three Judge Panel" it's the criticism.. The empty suggestions and "What it could use MORE Of" or what THEY would do differently.. My God this Fat trust fund Brat, a spoiled little girl, and some short order cook turned metro sexual dickbag.. These people are actually passing judgment on "GUY"... Are you kidding me.. Are they taking into consideration the product lines, and the children that cant look him in the eye... Poor Hunter, the blood loss alone kept him in the hospital for at least 6 months...... Guy apparently took the 'NEVER SURRENDER-FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION-DOUBLE SERRATED-STEAK MASTER-CARVER KICKASS PLUS' steak knife from his "One Way Ticket To Flavor-Frisco" series collection and carved 9 1/2 out of 10 my ass across Hunter's back..... That is the passion Bobby Flay doesnt have a hold of...

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Re: Guy Fieri
Date: April 09, 2013 11:34PM

Well once Ming Tsai was arrested and led away in handcuffs from the children's ball pit at a local Boston Burger King, Guy eagerly threw together an audition tape believing this was his chance. There would now presumably be an opening in Food Network's 2003 fall schedule and Guy (delusional and strung out as always) thought he was the perfect Leather & Metal Stir-Fry Wizard to shake things up. Because I think we all know that Emeril, Bobby Flay, and Mario Batali were desperately begging for a dose of Judas Priest roadie to be added to the lineup.

After laughing it off at first, Tyler Florence (the man who was supposed to be the next rising star on the network) eventually decided to make it his life's mission to capture and kill Guy Fieri.

(more on this tomorrow)

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 09, 2013 11:42PM

wow. i had no idea

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Re: Guy Fieri
Date: April 10, 2013 05:59PM

It is a twisted, sordid tale of sex and betrayal. And as always, it begins with yet another terrifically bad decision by Guy Fieri. Combining a Ruby Tuesday's menu with a Spencer's Gifts catalog plus a dash of Metalhead Magazine and then living it was a concept so laughable only a select few would wear it with pride.

And Guy wears it with pride.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 13, 2013 12:39AM

looking forward to any guy updates this weekend. i heard he was going to crash a wedding in d.c tomorrow

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Re: Guy Fieri
Date: April 15, 2013 10:57PM

Ok standby, just a matter of finding the time to explain how the Guy persona began (here is a hint, it has to do with running into an infomercial legend who was high on speedball in the bathroom of a coach flight to Miami).

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 16, 2013 12:14PM

looking forward to it. i need the research for a tell-all biography of the s.o.b

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: localboob ()
Date: April 24, 2013 01:29AM

oh ffcp i've been waiting a week..

i'm on a deadline

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Re: Guy Fieri
Date: April 24, 2013 12:08PM

Apologies all around. I've been dodging Food Network's army of legal staffers and working hand in hand with local authorities to identify and piece together the minutes and hours from Guy's last visit. Plus word on the street is that he's laid up somewhere in an Indian Casino on yet another 11 day bender and is currently being kept alive with rail gin and expired 5th Avenue bars. Problem is that fire-throwing-bechmael-sauce-backup-vocals-and-white-pepper-master knows where I live so sleep is a luxury I cannot afford even if he is reported to be out of state. It is NOT unlike this man to arise from a well-deserved cough medicine coma in the dead of night and decide to make the trip down (or up, or over) to Northern VA to start a ruckus for damn reason at all.

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Re: Guy Fieri
Posted by: Betty Cocker ()
Date: August 28, 2013 11:55AM

I just found this thread, and I have my own experiences with Guy Fieri to share. The man is an animal, and has mastered the art of covering anything with bechamel sauce spiced with curry and cumin. His attempts to remove the sauce with various parts of his body are pitiful due to the over consumption of Thunderbird spiked with vodka. His film crew is disgusted and only stay with him because of his sauteed sirloin tips and Soda Bombs. Guy does use Snickers in the Soda Bombs, but he will substitute a fresh Babe Ruth. Just thought I'd share.

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