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Markets Panic as IKEA CEO Bob Malm Announces Retirement
Posted by: FFXU Business News ()
Date: June 30, 2019 06:39AM

Date: June 29, 2019 12:10PM

DATELINE: Wall Street — June 29

Markets today faced their heaviest losses in more than 30 years after IKEA CEO Bob Malm announced his resignation earlier today. The news comes following reports that Malm had been repeatedly contacted by Sigrid Yahner, head of an alleged terror cell based in Western PA.

Losses were heaviest in the blue chips, with AT&T, Microsoft, Bank of America and other leaders all reporting massive sell-offs.

The news led to sharp declines in foreign markets, with the Hang Seng, Frankfurt, and other major indexes reporting heavy losses.

“We will ensure that world markets continue to receive adequate petroleum supplies,” said Saudi oil minister Khalid A. Al-Falih. “The Kingdom stands ready, willing and able to increase capacity to meet world demand.”

Meanwhile, world leaders scrambled to respond, with German Prime Minister Angela Merkel announcing, “We remain partners and allies with the United States, despite today’s grim news. We stand in solidarity with all who are threatened by terrorism and violence.”

Local leaders announced increased security measures, as the Sugarland Directorate of Internal Security, led by Jeff Chiow, began rounding up suspects. “This whole free speech thing has gone too far,” said Chiow. “The police need to get involved when, as here, we are dealing with domestic terrorism.”

Malm reportedly has left IKEA North America headquarters, and is believed to be headed for the Malm family compound in Mattapoisett Massachusetts. Asked about this, IKEA spokeswoman Lisa Medley said, “It is the policy of IKEA to neither confirm nor deny rumors and speculation in the media,” adding, “That said, Bonetti is a liar.”

US president Donald Trump, a frequent golfing partner of Malm’s, weighed in, “This is fake news. Just another effort by the liberal media to undercut me. But you’ll be happy —- so happy — to know that Bonetti will get his. You’ll see.”
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