Alexandria VA —- Grace Episcopal Church, an Anglo-Catholic parish in the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia with a history of innovation and “firsts,” today became the first Episcopal Church in the United States known to have installed anti-truck barriers. The move comes in light of rector Bob Malm’s claim that a terrorist cell, with operatives in Northern Virginia and western Pennsylvania, has launched a campaign of domestic terrorism against the church and its members.

“Among other things, these despicable terrorists used words like ‘suicide,’ and ‘cyanide,’ in their blog, said Malm. “They even used phrases like ‘the Killer B’s,’ and ‘a major terrorist incident’ on their site — a clear reference to the terrorist cells that have infiltrated the Houston Astros and the Pittsburgh Steelers,” he added. “They even threatened to bring their kids to church!”

Said church official Jeffery Chiow, “These barriers, together with our new Western Wall (actually a metal slat fence), serve to improve security at the church. We encourage residents, however, to be alert. Remember, if you see something, say something.”

Diocesan officials report that the barriers will be blessed on the Annual Feast of St. Michael the Archangel, a saint renowned for resisting evil.

Malm concluded, “The cost was just a few hundred thousand dollars, but this serves as an important step to ensuring the safety of our church and school. After all, there are all sorts of twisted and dysfunctional former parishioners out there.”
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Grace School Alexandria
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Bob Malm, loser
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