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Fairfax Barbie (oldie but a goodie)
Posted by: Gomer ()
Date: April 23, 2008 05:36AM

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition NoVa Barbie dolls for the Northern Virginia market:

McLean Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's in Tysons II. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. She despises the traffic, but is sure that someday Tyson's Corner will be the new downtown Chicago! Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Falls Church Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Instead she's taking an online course in Easy Spanish to learn to communicate with her neighbors. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

Manassas Barbie:
This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Her boyfriend Ken works at the local sleazy tattoo shop and prefers her to stay blonde.

Great Falls Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Venti Starbucks cup, Visa Platinum card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. See you on the bottom 9!

Reston Barbie:
This former Dot Com Barbie cashed in her options before the bust and now "works from home doing freelance consulting" until the kids get older. She comes with a huge dream house on a tiny lot, and she channels her formidable energy and intellect managing the extensive social and athletic activities of her three kids, each of whom plays two sports, takes piano and karate, and is on the chess club. A member of the PTA, this Barbie is famous for running her daughter's Brownie troop like a Fortune 500 company ("Do we really have a solid ROI on Girl Scout cookies?"). Her greatest personal accomplishment this year was outmaneuvering the other uber-mommies to be
selected as Room Mother for her son's second-grade class. She comes with AOL Ken, accessorized with a Porsche, giant gas grill, and flat-screen TV equipped with Tivo.

Woodbridge Barbie:
This paler model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She comes with a Hooters uniform, and a bottle of hair bleach. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Select dolls come with prefered black boyfriend Kendall, complete with oversized white tee and chains to his knees. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a HOTTIE bumper sticker absolutely free.

Sterling Barbie:
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Careful taking this one in the bathtub, her bottle tan might streak. Percocet prescription available.

Leesburg Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, plenty of hairspray and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

North Arlington Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two North Arlington Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

South Arlington Barbie:
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for South Arlington Barbie or Ken.

Fairfax Barbie:
This multicultural Barbie takes classes at GMU or NOVA on Mondays. She takes advantage of all the happy hour deals Fairfax has to offer. She loves 1/2 priced burgers at Brion's Grille on Tuesdays. On Wednesdays, she gets 50 cent tacos at Carlos O'Kelly's. She frequents Patriot's Cafe for cheap pitchers of Miller Lite Barbie-Sing-a-Long Karaoke on Thursday nights. Friday night is spent at TGI Friday's until South Arlington Ken arrives and buys her a drink. She doesn't remember Saturday night, except for cussing out a Fairfax County Police officer at a checkpoint on Rt. 123 & Braddock Rd. Sundays are set aside for church service, homework, and Campus Ken.

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Re: Fairfax Barbie (oldie but a goodie)
Posted by: bdimag ()
Date: April 23, 2008 09:34AM

needs pictures... i can't read.

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Re: Fairfax Barbie (oldie but a goodie)
Posted by: Suburbanite ()
Date: April 23, 2008 11:33AM

I don't have the version you do, but here's the pix from another version. Equally amusing, I think.
Sorry, but I have no idea how to space the pix within the text or if it's even possible. Look to the end for pix.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for Northern Virginia and surrounding areas.


"Loudoun County Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at the Dulles Town Center or Tysons Corner II. She comes with an assortment of Louis Vuitton Handbags, a brand new Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a way overpriced house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken in High Tech/Attorney/CPA/M.D. attire sold only in conjunction with the augmented Barbie version.


"Fairfax Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. She's currently taking Spanish lessons to get along with her neighbors. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


"Manassas Park Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes in overalls or W al-Mart sweat suit with ra cing strip and "Too Cute" embroidered on front. Accessories include a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.


" McLean / Great Falls Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


" Woodbridge Barbie "
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Ashburn Barbie "
This Botox Barbie comes dressed to impress in leopard print pants and bleached blonde hair. She comes ready to party with a cosmopolitan in her right hand and a bottle of Valium in her left. Overpriced condo sold separately.


" Dumfries Trailer Home Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Warrior Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.


" Dupont Circle Barbie "
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Dupont Circle Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


" Route 1 Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Attachments:
Barbie1
BArbie2
Barbie3
Barbie4
Barbie5
Barbie6
Barbie7
Barbie8
Barbie9

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Thanks "Suburbanite"!
Posted by: Gomer ()
Date: April 23, 2008 11:40AM

This was great. I can combine the two of them and really get serious about
this. Anybody else have different versions?

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Re: Fairfax Barbie (oldie but a goodie)
Posted by: JA ()
Date: April 23, 2008 12:02PM

what no Springfield Barbie?

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Re: Fairfax Barbie (oldie but a goodie)
Posted by: Gomer ()
Date: April 23, 2008 04:25PM

JA Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> what no Springfield Barbie?

Springfield Barbie was arrested and deported last week after being busted
for operating an unlicensed massage parlor.

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Re: Fairfax Barbie (oldie but a goodie)
Posted by: tomahawk ()
Date: April 23, 2008 11:48PM

No Hybla Valley Rt. 1 strip Barbie, either...

She's probably in jail for shoplifting at WalMart and getting in a knife fight in the parking lot of the boarded-up Mount Vernon Cinema next door.

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