It really irks me when this one guy at work puts his hand on my shoulder as he talks with me. I know that I should respect him because of his position, but he's really an idiot and a bully. It's almost like he knows he's not up to the task of being the boss and compensates by touching me that way. I don't want to be openly rude and back away, but what else can I do to let him know that his actions are inappropriate?

Where do you work?

I'm a government employee. Making an official complaint is not possible because of his position and mine. I need to address this myself somehow.

Stand up for yourself. Simply say "Please don't touch me." You don't have to explain why you don't want someone putting their hands on you! No reasonable person will continue to put their hands on you in a professional work place if you politely say "Please don't touch me."

Is it possible to start conversations with a piece furniture between you?

Put a needle in the shoulder of your blouse (pointing outward, of course). When he puts his hand on your shoulder, the prick will be pricked. Play naive about it, of course.

I would try to figure out his motivation. Either he's trying to assert his dominance (in which case I would resent it), or he's trying to be ingratiating (albeit in an inappropriate way). If the former, I would try to find a desk to hide behind. If the latter, I would ignore it.

BTW, this applies only to male on male touching. Male on female is a whole different ballgame.

In any case, if you're a Govt employee, you know that only bad things can happen if you report this higher up. You'll make an enemy for life, your evaluations will drop, and it will follow you for life.

You're thank you in advance.

It's male on male. Though a woman was chastised for pointing a finger in his face a few weeks ago. I need to figure this out quickly as I'm going to be in a very public meeting with him this week and it would be best for everyone if it is not a confrontation.

Benny Wrote:
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> It's male on male. Though a woman was chastised
> for pointing a finger in his face a few weeks ago.
> I need to figure this out quickly as I'm going to
> be in a very public meeting with him this week and
> it would be best for everyone if it is not a
> confrontation.

You have two options...

1: Tell him not to touch you.
2: File a formal complaint and let HR deal with it.

It's not like you have to take a judo stance and yell "NO, YOU WILL NOT TOUCH ME LIKE THAT!" as soon as his hand comes at you. Just drop by his cube/office sometime and tell him "Look, I'm not comfortable with you touching me and I would appreciate it if you'd refrain in the future." Not only does that get the point across, it also means you're not making a public scene about it.

On the other hand, option 2 provides a paper trail. That way if he decides to be a petty bitch, you at least have something to fall back on and claim retaliation if he tries to fuck with your career. It probably won't get him fired, but it should lead to some reassignments.

Beyond that, you're outta luck. There isn't a magical powder you can sprinkle on him to stop him, nor any magical "Don't Touch Me" suit/tie combination. You need to take some sort of direct action.

Government employee got nothing else to worry about.

Ynneb Wrote:
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> You have two options...
>
> 1: Tell him not to touch you.
> 2: File a formal complaint and let HR deal with
> it.

I think you give this three strikes. First is make an obvious motion that you are moving away to get him to stop. In other words, as soon as he puts his hand on your shoulder you move away from him two steps, enough that he would have to re-approach to re-establish his contact. Second, if he doesn't take the hint and does it again, is to move away and say "You don't need to do that, thanks".

Third time file a complaint and document where/when you demonstrated not wanting him touching you. He is either doing it on purpose to make you feel weird or he's a creeper who needs to be told these things because his mamma didn't.

Male on male can still be sexual harassment, just sayin'. We're talking about unwanted physical contact.

It's a power and control thing. There's also the move when you're shaking their hand and they grab your arm with their left hand just above your elbow and hold you there. I notice Obama doing that quite a bit. I hate when people do that to me.

You counter that by sticking your remaining hand on their shoulder.

The night before your meeting eat Beenie Weenies, onion soup,
and sauerkraut. When he touches you, let'er rip. Laugh....
Bet he'll leave you alone after that.

no one Wrote:
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> It's a power and control thing. There's also the
> move when you're shaking their hand and they grab
> your arm with their left hand just above your
> elbow and hold you there. I notice Obama doing
> that quite a bit. I hate when people do that to
> me.


You figured it out. My apologies for acting trollish, but this picture really annoyed me. For the good of the USA I hope it does not happen again.

Benny
(Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu)
Attachments:

This is the woman I referred to, Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona. Notice how she reacted to his condescendingly grabbing her arm. The news reports didn't mention the President initiated the contact, only criticizing how she reacted.
Attachments:

Obama is a little different. If anyone puts a hand on him the SS tackles them. But no one tackles who he handles. I doubt Benny's boss is Obama, if it is then I take it all back and have to say tough shit. HR isn't going to do anything about it.

There are two good options:

1. Stare at his paw on your shoulder for a couple seconds and say, "sorry, I'm not a touchy kind of fellow."

2. Stroke his thigh tenderly and invite him out for a drink.

Either way, you are unlikely to get pawed again. (option 2 could lead to cornholing)

Thats nothing. My boss constantly has both hands on my shoulders and his thumb up my ass.
Not quite sure how he does it, but the job does pay well.

The boss needs to take a seminar in Interpersonal Skills.
All newly promoted managers at my agency were required to
take this course and it was an eye opener for me. Before that
I'd always thought I was a pretty easy going guy as far as
management style but after the first part, which was an evaluation,
the results said that I was an autocratic dictator. My how we learn.

http://www.amanet.org/training/seminars/Interpersonal-Skills-for-Managers.aspx

I once had a manager touch me similar to the OP.


A couple weeks before my eval, he'd come into my cube and give me a shoulder rub. I turned around, looked him square in the eye and told him:

Unless it's a handshake, don't ever touch me again.

I got high praise on my eval and he was summarily fired a few weeks later. Not sure if there was any correlation, but I do know that half the team was ready to walk if he wasn't forced out.

On another note, spam code was "heeky". Heeky? WTF is heeky?!?

some guy() Wrote:
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> I once had a manager touch me similar to the OP.
>
>
> A couple weeks before my eval, he'd come into my
> cube and give me a shoulder rub. I turned around,
> looked him square in the eye and told him:
>
> Unless it's a handshake, don't ever touch me
> again.
>
> I got high praise on my eval and he was summarily
> fired a few weeks later. Not sure if there was
> any correlation, but I do know that half the team
> was ready to walk if he wasn't forced out.
>
> On another note, spam code was "heeky". Heeky?
> WTF is heeky?!?

You don no heeky? I gib you heeky on your neck. Let me ruv
you long time.

Sorry they didn't get it Benny. I thought it was pure genius, and agree completely.

Charlton Wrote:
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> Sorry they didn't get it Benny. I thought it was
> pure genius, and agree completely.

Rereading it, I'd have to agree.

And Ms. Binh, you can ruv me rong time all time. you sucky sucky?

Just admit you like it, you can't fight the feelings forever

Say "Why are you fucking touching me like that in the workplace?" in a loud voice.

Alternatively, kill him.

Mikeymike Wrote:
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> There are two good options:
>
> 1. Stare at his paw on your shoulder for a couple
> seconds and say, "sorry, I'm not a touchy kind of
> fellow."
>
> 2. Stroke his thigh tenderly and invite him out
> for a drink.
>
> Either way, you are unlikely to get pawed again.
> (option 2 could lead to cornholing)

Love the rapier wit of the posters here!