TEACHER RATINGS NOW!!!
Posted by:
Socrates
()
Date: October 28, 2010 08:19AM
I simply don’t understand why my child’s teachers don’t understand my child’s greatness the way I do. Had they any understanding of how wonderful, righteous, honorable, and brilliant my child is, they would quaver at the thought of giving my child anything but an A. Nay, if they these teachers weren’t so stupid, they would fall down on their knees in the very presence of my child, completely enveloped by my child’s aura of greatness, and thank their lucky stars that they were fortunate enough to have such a wonderful student in their room. But, they don’t understand , and therefore they put their ignorance on display for all to see.
Let me tell you about my child: I realized early on that my child was a magical being set upon this earth to be worshipped and appreciated by all. When my child was a baby, I realized something staggering: my child’s fecal matter did not smell! I watched these other mother’s carting around their pathetic, malodorous offspring, reveling in the knowledge that my perfect child’s waste products weren’t like everyone else’s. Being the benevolent mother I am, I tried to share the wonder of my child’s stools with everyone, but the other mothers steadfastly refused to fill their nostrils with the sweet aroma of nothing that emanated from my child’s droppings. I quickly realized that because I was blessed with such a magical, wondrous child, I was going to get have to get used to this kind of jealousy . Why else would the other mothers not sniff shit? It was because they would realize their children’s inferiority next to mine (of course, they already knew it, but if they confronted evidence they would be forced to admit it aloud).
I am sure that YOU are now convinced that my child is special beyond all belief, but these pigheaded Fairfax County teachers just don’t get it. For example, my child doesn’t know the difference between “they’re†, “theirâ€, and “thereâ€. I shouldn’t say my child doesn’t “knowâ€, because that would imply that my child is less than perfect; what I mean is, my child was put on this earth to clarify things for the rest of us. Not knowing the difference between the “theres†simply illuminates that it is not necessary to know the difference. Everyone KNOWS what someone is talking about when they use the wrong “thereâ€, so my child is simply revealing the obvious. You would think that the teacher would appreciate my child’s precocious ability to streamline the language, but NO! This crazy “educator†insists on marking MY child WRONG? Can you believe that? The fact that she can’t recognize my child’s brilliance leaves me speechless. Now, being a mother who wants to teach my child to fight my child’s own battles, I have only requested four meetings with the teacher, e-mailed her every day since September 8th, called her at home on seven occasions, and gotten her cell phone number from the counselor, but I can imagine other parents might have been way more upset, and , really, justifiably so. It is just a tribute to my parenting abilities that I DON’T fly off the handle, but I can understand how some lesser parents might.
I have worked very hard to raise this beautiful, perfect child. I have hired the best maids, the best tutors, and the best babysitters: when I am at the gym, or having coffee at Starbucks, or driving my gargantuan SUV from store to store during my shopping, my mind is at ease in the knowledge that my child is still learning. I wonder how many other mothers make that kind of sacrifice; I think I know the answer. Like Mary in the bible, I was given this child, and this child was given to me. We function in perfect symbiosis, and even though some would say that my child’s locking my child’s room and remaining there from the second my child gets home from school until the second I serve the dinner I bought is a sign that my child is avoiding me, I know better. My child just needs solitude in order to solve all of the world’s problems and reflect on what a wonderful mother my child has. I laugh at the other children who run and play outside, enjoying the levity that only a foolish carefree mind can know! What are their parents thinking? Then again they probably haven’t the foresight to tell their child what I tell mine: “you WILL go to HARVARD. It’s too important for you to NOT go thereâ€. The report card that my child’s jealous, spiteful teacher is preparing to give my child won’t exactly help in that regard, but I have already called Harvard to explain that this “bump in the road†is due to the TEACHER, and that I hear the fourth grade teachers that my child will have next year are much, much more appreciative of genius.
In short we DO need to have public ratings for these teachers! We CANNOT LET THESE CRAZY PEOPLE RUIN MY CHILD! Or, to a lesser extent, yours.