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Welcome to Fairfax Underground, a project site designed to improve communication among residents of Fairfax County, VA. Feel free to post anything Northern Virginia residents would find interesting.
Welcome to Fairfax Underground, a project site designed to improve communication among residents of Fairfax County, VA. Feel free to post anything Northern Virginia residents would find interesting.
History 101
Posted by:
Professor
()
Date: October 25, 2009 06:01PM
History 101
For those that don't know about history .. Here is a condensed
version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for
the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals,
and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair
to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be
noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them
off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
For those that don't know about history .. Here is a condensed
version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for
the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals,
and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair
to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be
noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them
off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
Re: History 101
Posted by:
formerhick76
()
Date: October 26, 2009 11:06AM
Is this another conservative talking about how much smarter and self-reliant he is than those 'liberals?'
Re: History 101
Posted by:
MrMephisto
()
Date: October 26, 2009 11:40AM
Professor Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> And there you have it. Let your next action reveal
> your true self.
My true self says this is one of the dumbest pieces of schlock I've ever seen. If it's meant to be a joke, there's no punchline. If it's meant to be the "absolute truth," I'd say the writer is fucking retarded.
Only the most insecure, weak-willed idiot would measure his masculinity based on a bullshit political idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------
13 4826 0948 82695 25847. Yes.
-------------------------------------------------------
> And there you have it. Let your next action reveal
> your true self.
My true self says this is one of the dumbest pieces of schlock I've ever seen. If it's meant to be a joke, there's no punchline. If it's meant to be the "absolute truth," I'd say the writer is fucking retarded.
Only the most insecure, weak-willed idiot would measure his masculinity based on a bullshit political idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------
13 4826 0948 82695 25847. Yes.
Re: History 101
Posted by:
Johnny Walker
()
Date: October 26, 2009 12:33PM
Grandpa I told you to stop forwarding me these. The Jesus ones too, OK?