HomeFairfax General ForumArrest/Ticket SearchWiki newPictures/VideosChatArticlesLinksAbout
Alexandria :  Fairfax Underground fairfax underground logo
Welcome to Fairfax Underground, a project site designed to improve communication among residents of Fairfax County, VA. Feel free to post anything Northern Virginia residents would find interesting.
Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 28, 2021 12:22PM

As we increasingly see society batten down the hatches as the Delta variant spreads throughout the US, we face the prospect of further shut-downs and another wave of social distancing. This was inevitable, given the politicization of public health and the relatively low uptake of COVID vaccination, even here in Virginia. And I’m prepared to predict difficult times ahead, as schools reopen for the fall and people spend more time indoors.

With that in mind, I have one word for Grace Episcopal’s plan to hold a Shrine Mont event this year. That word is STUPID.

Consider:

Grace has a disproportionate percentage of elderly parishioners.
There are a fair number of pre-existing health issues in the parish, ranging from obesity, to diabetes, to alcoholism.
The consumption of copious quantities of alcohol at Shrine Mont will result in a lessening of inhibitions, particularly after not having Shrine Mont last year.
Those who are vaccinated run the risk of bringing low-grade infections back into the church and the community, placing others at risk.
The presence of swarms of children at the school, none of whom are vaccinated, already provides a strong vector of transmission back into the parish.
The primary Shrine Mont activity, which is swilling copious quantities of alcohol, is not possible while masked.
Holding a social event of this sort in the midst of a still active pandemic that is now getting worse is just plain stupid, and you can quote me on that.

There’s absolutely no reason for parishioners to place themselves and others at risk simply to get smashed for a weekend.
Attachments:
3C425E9B-F5CC-4EEB-B2F7-6B763EAD6636.jpeg

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 28, 2021 12:52PM

For those who don't know, I was Junior Warden. I was single handedly responsible for switching all the bird feeders on the property over to a healthy vegan based slurry instead of seeds. Once the church was planning a trip to Shrinemont when we all realized simultaneously that we had no cups with which to drink our alcohol out of. Well, being Junior Warden, (I was Junior Warden at the time), I managed to source a stack of red Solo cups for parishioners and children alike to use. It's safe to say that once I distributed the cups, libations were freely flowing. Now, for those members of the public who are overly concerned about the children using the cups, fear not. The cups I distributed were suitable for a wide range of liquid products, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic. I simply went up to various members of Grace Episcopal Church and told them, “I’m a Junior Warden, (I was Junior Warden at the time.) and these cups I’m providing you with are suitable to drink a wide range of liquids out of.

Well, safe to say that the entire retreat was salvaged once people were able to hydrate and lubricate. I felt a warm glow in my heart as I knew that ONCE AGAIN, I had saved this Church and these people from their own sad ignorance. That’s why I was so understandably confused when I heard through several well placed sources that Bob Malm had stated that my mother, (or someone purporting to be her), had called him on the phone! I raced back to the church, certain that some sort of mistake had been made. I slammed through the doors and screamed, “I’m a Junior Warden! My mother has not called Bob Malm on the phone!” Suffice it to say, that particular crow had already fled the nest. Bereft of all hope I wandered the streets for hours in the pouring rain, disconsolate and shaken. For a while I sat on a newspaper vending machine like Duckie Dale in the movie “Pretty in Pink”, but no one saw the tragic hero pose I was striking and my back started to hurt so I went back home. I kept thinking to myself, “I’m a Junior Warden! There’s got to be a mistake!”. But as it turned out, there was NO MISTAKE. Bob Malm has said that my mother had called him on the phone. My mind raced with ways to get this news out to the public. “The public DESERVES to know!”, I kept shouting to myself. Finally I contracted with a young El Salvadorian man to distribute leaflets to all of Alexandria. Anyway, long story short, I deserve a million dollars and I want Bob Malm to kiss my hand and call me “Papi Chulo”. Also, if the entire Episcopalian religion would pack up tents and move on, or at least make me Senior Warden, (I was a Junior Warden). But I’ll always remember Shrinemont.

#ELM
#REDSOLOFORTHEWIN
#IMPAPICHULO

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: I’m screaming ()
Date: July 28, 2021 02:06PM

Yo, I’m dead. This had me rolling! The vegan slurry and Duckie Dale shit was priceless. Props to you, good sir. You Bonetti better than Bonetti does.

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Curious Dude ()
Date: July 28, 2021 02:07PM

What is Shrine Mont?

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 28, 2021 02:37PM

Curious Dude Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What is Shrine Mont?


I can answer this question because I was a Junior Warden. Shrinemont is a Church retreat location where Episcopalians go to drink alcohol and spread COVID and other diseases. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask me. I was a Junior Warden so I would probably know the answers.

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Ûü ()
Date: July 28, 2021 06:52PM

Shrine Mont is awesome. Not far off 81 at Mt. Jackson / Orkney Springs. Has an old hotel there that was set up for the local springs out of the mountains (think fresh water & rejuvenation in the 1870s).

I think the Episcopalians let down their hair and drink a lot there. Judging by the pictures Bonetti posted of his ‘dying mom’ loaded up on liquor they were probably frequent guests.

Any new information from him? He’s been posting the same thing for years and years.

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 28, 2021 10:01PM

Ûü Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Any new information from him? He’s been posting
> the same thing for years and years.

Uh……….. I was a JUNIOR WARDEN! How about that? Additionally, Bob Malm said that my mother called him on the PHONE! How’s THAT for “new information”, Mr. Nosey? Didn’t see that coming, did ya?

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Curious Dude II ()
Date: July 28, 2021 10:04PM

What is a Junior Warden and what are the duties and responsibilities?

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 28, 2021 10:18PM

Curious Dude II Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What is a Junior Warden and what are the duties
> and responsibilities?

Well, once I assisted in obtaining a box fan from Home Depot to help circulate the air in the narthex. I also peeled the “Chiquita” stickers off the bananas before they were packed in lunches for the parishioners. It was my responsibility to make ABSOLUTELY SURE that none of those little Blue Tailed Skink lizards got into the trash can in the Fellowship Hall. I made sure that the AA batteries in ALL the remotes were always replaced with fresh ones, and I used to run and get Bob Malm a Cobb salad from Wendy’s, (extra croutons, lite ranch dressing). I mean, I was practically indispensable. I guess if I had to pin it down, I would say that the main responsibility of being a Junior Warden is to be indispensable. A role that I filled with much aplomb! Imagine my horror when I heard from several well placed sources that Bob Malm was saying that my mother, (or someone purporting to be her), had called him on the phone! I turned three shades of outraged that day!

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Curious Dude III ()
Date: July 28, 2021 11:13PM

Eric, that sounds serious. How did you juggle all that work along with the work in real estate, the law, and also your role as liaison with the Arlington County PD?

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 29, 2021 11:36AM

Curious Dude III Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Eric, that sounds serious. How did you juggle all
> that work along with the work in real estate, the
> law, and also your role as liaison with the
> Arlington County PD?


Thank goodness SOMEONE finally understands the efforts I undertake. In addition to being a Junior Warden, (I’m a Junior Warden if you weren’t aware), I am a police officer of unknown rank in an unspecified jurisdiction. This ties into my work as a retired lawyer and also crackerjack Real Estate Agent. Consider me to be a spicy melange of various admirable professions, all of which require multiple years of training and none of which are readily verifiable. (An aside, if you’ll indulge me, but the concerned public are rarely aware that I’m ALSO a Navy HALO jumper as well as a certified F-22 Raptor pilot.) I’m fluent in over 600 forms of communication and am the ONLY Westerner to be accepted into the Wu Ling school of Ninjitsu. Also, I have a degree in C++ and JavaScript from Strayer University. I am what Nietzsche posited in his seminal work “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” as an Ubermensche. So you can only imagine my horror when I discovered that Bob Malm had made statements to the effect that my mother had called him on the phone! (This was confirmed by several well placed sources.) I screamed and cried and had to stop playing with my special handcuffs that I carry as a police officer. Commissioner Gordon asked me what was wrong and I said “Bob Malm said my mother called him on the phone!” Well, Commissioner Gordon turned as white as a sheet! Since that dark day I have pledged to focus all my considerable skills into fighting injustice! Well……. Not injustice as a whole. I just file a lot of harassment lawsuits in various counties while pleading about what a victim I am. Also, I have taken to wearing open-toed leather sandals and looking for loose change in various public venues. And that is why artificial vanilla flavoring comes from a substance obtained from the anal glands of beavers. (Google it if you don’t believe me!)

Please feel free to ask me any other Bob Malm related questions. I was a Junior Warden so I prolly know the answers to almost anything you’d care to ask.

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Sugarland is a clever insult ()
Date: July 29, 2021 12:28PM

I am confused after reading this. Did Sigrid Yahner (or someone purporting to be her) call Bob Malm on the phone?

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 29, 2021 01:47PM

Sugarland is a clever insult Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am confused after reading this. Did Sigrid
> Yahner (or someone purporting to be her) call Bob
> Malm on the phone?

YES!!! Finally some of you are beginning to understand the torment I have been going through. It turns out that while I was a Junior Warden, Bob Malm had made the statement that my mother, (or someone purporting to be her), had called him on the telephone! Now, as incredible as this might sound, it’s absolutely true. I didn’t initially believe it myself until it was verified for me by several well placed sources. At first I screamed and cried and called “Princess Porcine” Lisa Medley but she didn’t believe me and called me “unstable”! (Btw, I made up that nickname up all by myself. I was the first one to ever think of it!) Then I tried Lisa Goff, but the church took the dismal view that they refused to punish Bob Malm due to unfounded and unverifiable allegations with absolutely no proof to them! (As an aside here, what sort of world do we live in when one can’t simply demand that another person be fired and financially penalized just based on the scurrilous and doubtful hearsay of a single individual that is already well known to be mentally unbalanced?)

Well, I did what ANY tragic hero would do. I got some floppy poster board from Michael’s Art Supply, made a sign with sharpie and crayons and then went outside the church where I rang a big bell like a freaking loon in order to annoy and disrupt the Easter Sunday morning worship service. Can you believe that the Alexandria police then came and asked me to stop disturbing the peace? Just more evidence of Bob Malm’s massive conspiracy against me. (Btw, he ALSO caused my mother to die of congestive heart failure! I know, right? What a “Christian” thing to do. (sarcasm)) So then I registered numerous web sites under fictitious names in order to harass and frighten various women and children while simultaneously furiously screaming about my victim hood, and THAT is why cream based soups beat clear broths ANY day of the week, and you can take THAT to the bank!

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Dragging my dying mom ()
Date: July 29, 2021 02:49PM

You’re insane! Clear broth all the way - beats cream based any day of the week. I called my mom to ask her which was her favorite; no answer, so I left a message. Then she (or someone purporting to be her) called me back. She said cream! Guess it’s time to ship her to the old folks home.

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 29, 2021 03:35PM

Dragging my dying mom Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You’re insane! Clear broth all the way - beats
> cream based any day of the week. I called my mom
> to ask her which was her favorite; no answer, so I
> left a message. Then she (or someone purporting to
> be her) called me back. She said cream! Guess
> it’s time to ship her to the old folks home.


Well your mother sounds like a right thinking American, (unless it was someone purporting to be her). I simply pray, for your sake, that the dark day NEVER comes when you find out through well placed sources that your mom, (or someone purporting to be her), has called Bob Malm on the telephone…..

If that day DOES come, however, grab a poster board and a HUGE bell and meet me out in front of Grace Episcopal Church! It would be nice to have a “protest friend”. We can even make macramé portraits of our moms together while we ring our bells! :)

#ELM
#TWOBELLSAREBETTERTHANONE
#CRAZYLOVESCOMPANY

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: I’m me, not him ()
Date: July 29, 2021 05:06PM

I once had a dentist whose first name was Robert, good guy, went in for my appointment once but he didn’t have me on the books. He was able to see me anyway, which was nice.

That was 14 years ago, but now these hundreds of threads have me thinking. Was Robert really Bob Malm? (I looked it up on Wikipedia: ‘Bob’ is short for Robert.) Perhaps this infernal priest took night school classes to become a dentist and someone purporting to be me was calling him and cancelling appointments. We’ll probably never know, even though they had different last names.

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 29, 2021 05:44PM

Your story is quite chilling. I wouldn’t put it past him at all. I’ve found out through hard won experience that Bob Malm is capable of ALL SORTS of strange chicanery. To give you an example, I had EXPRESSLY stated that I wanted Bob Malm to leave me alone and have NO CONTACT with me whatsoever. Just to reiterate, I stated that I didn’t want him anywhere in my physical vicinity. Then, he moved and began working as a pastor in a delightful little hamlet named “Buzzard’s Bay” in Massachusetts. (Pay close attention to this part of my harrowing tale if you truly want to understand Perjuring Priest Bob Malm’s duplicity!) I took it upon myself one sunny day to travel the quick 473 mile/16 hour round trip drive to his new church in Buzzard’s Bay so that I could stand on his new church steps and ring my bell like a retard while furiously waving my floppy posterboard sign. (Here’s where you will begin to see the depths of his depravity.) Now DESPITE the fact that I had CLEARLY stated that I wanted NO FURTHER CONTACT from him, he walked right up to me as I was blocking the church steps and ringing my bell and said, “What are you doing here?”…………….. UNBELIEVABLE! He knew that I, (or someone purporting to be me), had expressly demanded that he not come near me, and now he’s standing not 10 feet from me saying, “Can you please stop blocking the steps? Parishioners are trying to exit the building.” Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather, I kid you not. I drove the entire 9 hours back from Buzzard’s Bay just astounded by his gall. To make matters even worse, when I righteously complained to the Virginia Diocese, they said things like, “He doesn’t live in Virginia anymore.” and “Please stop calling us.” It was then that I knew the depths to which he was willing to sink. He ACCOSTED me on the church steps and made the police tell me to not come within 1,000 yards of his new church because he is afraid of my truth.

I’ll tell you this, my friend. I’ll follow him everywhere he goes to until the end of time. I’ll ring my stupid bell at every church he works for. I’ll follow him to the ends of the earth and peek in his windows and steal his mail and read it. I’ll take pictures of him from underneath bushes. I'll Chase Him 'Round The Moons Of Nibia, And 'Round The Antares Maelstrom, And 'Round Perdition's Flames Before I Give Him Up!…………. If that’s what it takes to get him to finally stop stalking me.

#ELM
#KHAAAAAAAAAAAN

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Curious Dude IV ()
Date: July 29, 2021 07:43PM

Eric

I see your surname and I think "Italian Heritage", but then I see how glib you are with the spoken (written) word and I would swear that you are Irish. Only the Irish can prattle on like this and talk endlessly and in circles, but still be compelling to listen to and leave the listener feeling like they just got a verbal sponge bath. I had to look up half the vocab you used and with the generous sprinkling of literary reference thrown in....well, let's just say you have found another fan.

And a good day to you, Sir !

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: () ()
Date: July 29, 2021 08:25PM

Curious Dude IV: I agree with your sentiments, but your comments should really be about Bob Malm getting a phone call from Eric’s mother (or someone purporting to be her). We are witnessing history: Brown v Board of Education / Roe v Wade / Eric Bonetti v someone who received a call from Bonetti’s mother (or someone purporting to be her).

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: () ()
Date: July 29, 2021 09:56PM

I think Bonetti’s lawyer is a genius. “Yes you have another case, just give me the money and I’ll file it for you. As a former lawyer / real estate agent / junior warden, you can see the case is airtight! We’ll prove that your mother (or someone purporting to be her) DIDN’T make an appointment with Bob Malm!”

Millions are coming your way!!

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Curious Dude V ()
Date: July 29, 2021 09:58PM

Dear ()

Are you like the deceased performer Prince, who came to be known only by a symbol?

If so, I say that's cool, man !

Nonetheless, I hear your gentle admonition and will work to handle this situation better in the future. I'm just a little rattled that I was able to correspond with Mr. B, and especially so because I feel that there is some common ground.

I. too, met the Reverend and must confess I wasn't impressed. That is "confess" in the common parlance of our time, and not any sort of ecclesiastical use of the word.

If Eric would take my advice, however, I would say let bygones be bygones. Embrace life and let the Bob Malms of the world sort themselves out on their own.

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 29, 2021 11:49PM

I appreciate both of your opinions. Allow me to address several points made. Firstly, my lawyer has given me a special discounted rate that is reserved for Junior Wardens, (I once helped to unblock a clogged rainwater drain in floor of one of the outdoor vestibules using a only stick that I found on the ground). I know that it’s gauche to speak about financial matters but I have to brag that they’re only charging me $400 per hour and he assures me that we will eventually win billions of dollars from Perjuring Priest Bob Malm, (or someone purporting to be him). They tell me that it’s just a matter of hours and hours, (and hours), of filling out paperwork, filing lawsuits, wasting days of the courts time, harassing each and every judge that dares to disagree with my psychotic ramblings, etc. Now, admittedly, it’s taking an ENORMOUS amount of hours, but I have faith that I will eventually win. I’ve had to sell my collection of fine porcelain Hummel figurines and an 1985 Pontiac Fiero that I won in a church raffle, but what is that compared to the avalanches of cash that I’m virtually guaranteed to win someday? I’m actually indebted to my lawyers. I was initially worried after the first dozen or so dismissed cases and judgements against me that they would drop me as a client, but to the contrary, whenever I feel discouraged they pep me right back up again with speeches about how I WILL WIN someday! It’s just a matter of several hundred more hours of legal charges, but as long as I pay the bills, my victory is virtually assured. An aside, but while I won’t mention the name of the law firm I use, I CAN say that I found them through a commercial that aired while watching “My Three Sons” rerun episodes at 11:30 in the morning. They’re predominantly personal injury lawyers but after I called and explained about Bob Malm saying that my mother, (or someone purporting to be her) had called him on the telephone, they were EAGER to take my case. I stroked a check for an initial $25,000 payment to get started and they have been putting in hundreds of additional billable hours ever since. (That’s how I know they’re working hard to represent me.)

Now to your statement of being “rattled to correspond with Mr. B”, please understand that I am just a man. I’m a man fighting against incredible injustice, but just a man none the less. Do not deify me. I am not anything special. Just consider me more like a Martin Luther King or a Ghandi, (maybe an Evita). I’m just a humble man who is taking down an Episcopalian empire, one Bob Malm at a time. However I still put my trousers on the same way that most other great men do. When they make a movie about my life, and they will, the tag line will read “They purportedly messed with the wrong Junior Warden! (I want to be played by a younger Colin Farrell. Perhaps they can use one of those computer de-aging programs. Oooo, I’d also like my voice to be done by James Earl Jones.) Maybe then we can meet as friends, bang our bells together, and agree that my mother never called anyone, (even me).

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Curious Dude VI ()
Date: July 30, 2021 01:25AM

Eric, you are incredibly humble and I appreciate that you are allowing me to converse and correspond with you. You say you put your pants on one leg at a time, which is a vain attempt at portraying your presence here as a humble man. And I don't mean that you are making a vain attempt, because I do have faith in your sincerity. I say it's a vain attempt because the best and most forthright efforts on your part are made in vain. It's just impossible to stifle the vibrant energy that's inside you. Your greatness really shines here regardless of best efforts to keep your light under a bushel. I hope that distinction is clear for all who read these bloglike excursions around the Alexandria corner of FXU.

I see your crusade against Bob Malm to be oh-so-similar to The Dude when he was matching wits with Jackie Treehorn. Are you familiar with the movie? If so, I am sure you will see the connection.

And a good day to you, Sir !

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: George Huguely V ()
Date: July 30, 2021 11:34AM

I don’t get it. He sues Bob Malm, and when it’s time for witnesses to testify, he says that Malm tried to ‘drag his dying mother into court’ four years before her death, while simultaneously posting pictures of her drinking at a party? The same woman who mentioned her stepchildren and deceased son in her obituary, but not Bonetti. I saw the obituary online about her (or someone who was purporting to be her).

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 30, 2021 12:24PM

To Curious Dude:

I appreciate your sentiments however I must clarify that I never said that I put my pants on “one leg at a time”. I actually said that I put them on “like most great men do”. That is to say that I throw them high up into the air and then hurl my body after them in an attempt to try and get my legs through the pant-holes before we both hit the floor. Admittedly this method often takes more time, (and I have discovered through trial and error that a carpeted floor or gym mat is MUCH preferable to hard wood or concrete!), but by the time I finally get them on I have a much greater sense of accomplishment. I do not, however, recommend this process to you until you are at least a Junior Warden like myself. Men of accomplishment, like we Junior Wardens tend to be, require greater challenges in everyday life and so despite the bruises and occasional hairline fractures, I find this method of dressing myself to be preferable.

I am well familiar with “The Dude” and I salute you on your good taste in movies. I also like to watch “Fatal Attraction” and imagine that I’m the Glenn Close character while Bob Malm is played by Michael Douglas. (The rabbit represents either Episcopalinism or everyone at Grace Church who disrespected my immense power as Junior Warden, (I once made sure that all the flowers in the Narthex were displayed in alphabetical order)).

To George Huguely V:

I will address your various points thusly.

Bob Malm is a vindictive creature who was driven insane by his jealousy over my power as a Junior Warden as well as my incredibly trim waistline.

I didn’t WANT my mother to testify in court because my word is the only thing that should matter. Whatever various witnesses to my erratic behavior have to say should be declared irrelevant and inadmissible to court. DESPITE the fact that I made it known to both Bob Malm and my mother that I did not want her there, he still tried to DRAG her into court! I’m sure that he rues that day now.

As to your other questions, I TOLD her NOT to mention me in her obituary because I thought it was unseemly and in poor taste for her to be using my status as a Junior Warden to generate more “clicks” on her obituary page. “Rest on your own laurels”, I said. “Don’t try to bite my style or hitch a ride on my coattails. YOU’RE not the Junior Warden. I AM!” Well, after that she agreed that she was in the wrong and promised not to include me in her obituary in her initial feeble effort to gain some notoriety.

As to the constant drinking. I’ll admit that I was always puzzled by it. She ONLY drank when I was around, (and copiously at that). She called it her “Baby Eric Medicine”. I always just chalked it up to her nervous jitters about spending time in the presence of a Junior Warden.

……. And that is why salt water is bad for your kidneys.

#ELM
#DONTDRINKSALTWATER
#BABYERICMEDICINE

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Curious Dude, Still Curious ()
Date: July 30, 2021 01:28PM

Eric,

Thanks for the clarification about your prowess with getting dressed in such an unconventional, albeit mightily impressive, manner. I am certain you must also be able to do the same ariel acrobatics while donning routine items such as a T-shirt that displays "The Dude Abides". Please confirm this.

What would be truly impressive would be if you could use the same technique for your woolen scarf. I envision you with a single wrap around your neck to ward off the chilly winds of January and February, while carrying on your worthy crusade outside of Grace Church.

That would be far-fucking out, man !

Eric..Bonetti Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> To Curious Dude:
>
> I appreciate your sentiments however I must
> clarify that I never said that I put my pants on
> “one leg at a time”. I actually said that I
> put them on “like most great men do”. That is
> to say that I throw them high up into the air and
> then hurl my body after them in an attempt to try
> and get my legs through the pant-holes before we
> both hit the floor. Admittedly this method often
> takes more time, (and I have discovered through
> trial and error that a carpeted floor or gym mat
> is MUCH preferable to hard wood or concrete!), but
> by the time I finally get them on I have a much
> greater sense of accomplishment. I do not,
> however, recommend this process to you until you
> are at least a Junior Warden like myself. Men of
> accomplishment, like we Junior Wardens tend to be,
> require greater challenges in everyday life and so
> despite the bruises and occasional hairline
> fractures, I find this method of dressing myself
> to be preferable.
>
> I am well familiar with “The Dude” and I
> salute you on your good taste in movies. I also
> like to watch “Fatal Attraction” and imagine
> that I’m the Glenn Close character while Bob
> Malm is played by Michael Douglas. (The rabbit
> represents either Episcopalinism or everyone at
> Grace Church who disrespected my immense power as
> Junior Warden, (I once made sure that all the
> flowers in the Narthex were displayed in
> alphabetical order)).
>
>
>
> #ELM
> #DONTDRINKSALTWATER
> #BABYERICMEDICINE

Options: ReplyQuote
Re: Grace Episcopal Alexandria: Holding Shrine Mont is Just Stupid
Posted by: Eric..Bonetti ()
Date: July 30, 2021 07:17PM

I actually refuse to wear anything like a scarf or shawl because I need to leave the hairs on the back of my neck free to stand on end. It’s the only way I can tell if Bob Malm is stalking me. You may not be aware of this, but I was Junior Warden. I was solely trusted with the responsiblity for making sure no crows ate the bird seed put out for the morning doves. I would stand in the garden and flap my arms furiously in order to scare them away. (It actually ended up being fabulous training for ringing my ridiculous bell and shaking my floppy protest sign at people.) Anyway, I digress. I was Junior Warden when several of my well placed sources let slip into my ear that Bob Malm had claimed that my mother had called him on the phone! Well of course I began to scream and cry. I let out a wail of lamentation that fairly shook the rafters of the narthex. In my sorrow I even fell down and tore a hole in my favorite pair of cargo shorts from Banana Republic and one of my docksider shoes fell off.

Well, it was then that I knew Bob Malm was stalking me. I would hear strange noises in my attic at night and eerie voices whispering in my ear. Sometimes the people on television would talk directly to me and tell me that Bob Malm said that my mother, (or someone purporting to be her), had called him on the telephone. It was then that I knew Bob Malm was stalking me in an attempt to drive me insane. He was always incredibly jealous of the power I wielded as a Junior Warden and now he was trying to sabotage me.

I was watching the movie “The Parent Trap”, (the classic with Haley Mills, not the inferior Lindsey Lohan remake), which gave me the idea to completely cover the inside of my house in honey soaked twine draped from every surface and hay straw in order to catch Bob Malm sneaking around, (much like the girls in the movie do as a lighthearted camping romp only MY trap would be far more significant!). Well, after 15 gallons of honey and 9 full bales of straw, I ended up with a significant home repair bill and had to buy all new furniture. Just MORE PROOF that Bob Malm was trying to sabotage me. First the purported telephone call from my mother, and then he had forced me to cover my entire house in honey!!! It was only then that I understood the full depths of his duplicity.

Anyhoo, long story short, my neck hair often stands on end and it is during these moments that I know Bob Malm is nearby. Sometimes when my neck hair stands up I will actually make the 18 hour drive to Buzzards Bay, Massachusetts and creep around the outside of his house in the darkness, peering through his windows in an effort to catch him stalking me, but I haven’t had any luck so far and that’s why I will always choose green brined olives with pimentos over plain black ones in a martini.

#ELM
#HONEYCOVEREDSTRAWTASTESAWFUL
#SHAKENNOTSTIRRED

Options: ReplyQuote


Your Name: 
Subject: 
Attach a file
  • No file can be larger than 75 MB
  • All files together cannot be larger than 300 MB
  • 30 more file(s) can be attached to this message
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 **    **  ********   **        ********   **    ** 
 **   **   **     **  **        **     **  ***   ** 
 **  **    **     **  **        **     **  ****  ** 
 *****     ********   **        **     **  ** ** ** 
 **  **    **     **  **        **     **  **  **** 
 **   **   **     **  **        **     **  **   *** 
 **    **  ********   ********  ********   **    ** 
This forum powered by Phorum.