In preparation for this year’s Easter Vigil, Sugarland internal security forces have been scrutinizing surveillance footage from previous years, alert to any possibly of a terrorist incident. Their work resulted in an alarming conclusion: Domestic terrorists have infiltrated past East Vigil Services!

“We remain at DEFCON 2,” said Sugarland Marine Corps General Jeffery Chiow. “The silos are open and the bombers are on the runway, ready to roll. In addition, we have single-button emergency transmitters at the ready, just in case Bonetti and Smith launch a terror attack.”

Meanwhile, parents at Sugarland’s Grace Episcopal School have resorted to armored personnel carriers to transport their children to and from school. “We can’t be too careful,” said Patti Coolbreath, head of school. “Why just the other day we learned that there was a protester nearby. Can you imagine?”

Security officials point out that with the Great Wall of Malm now installed on Sugarland’s western border, drug dealers, sex traffickers, and terrorists alike all are effectively stopped at the border. “Don’t worry—that caravan will never get in,” said Sugarland Bishop Donald Hiller Malm.
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